pondering the unpardonables
5:10 AM 12/18/06 · Next to nobody I know has any real sense of patience...which is why I'm often the odd man out. I have excessive patience. Not quite infinite patience but pretty damned close if I do say so myself. A lot of the people I know are aware of this to some degree or other and have used it to their advantage; waiting in lines and such for movies or something. The only problem with being so patient is that after awhile people expect you to be so in regards to everything and are often much taken off guard when that does not prove to be the case.
While I know I've annoyed the crap out of
Brand over the years...he has no concept what a strain he's been on me. Back in June, when I cut ties with him completely and stopped thinking of him as a friend, I'm sure I shocked him but he had finally reached my breaking point. It's possible I might've kicked him outta my life anyway, even if he hadn't threatened me, if he'd done something else that significantly aggravated me as he was wont to do from time to time...
...but even I wasn't prepared for that one thing. That was excessive. My response was equally so, deleting him from personal databases and the like until there was naught of him expcept in photo directories I have. Still, while I've not chosen to associate with him since I find I have been keeping tabs on him to a degree. He's in a few of my communities and when things are really slow I check the friendslists of those comms and wind up reading whatever it is he's posted.
The recent troubles with
Raven have had a similar effect with the exception that she cut ties with me...kinda sorta. She listed her primary reason, which I didn't entirely buy at the time but I've been thinking on it, and then banned me on Dark Tuesday. The day after she removed me from her friendslist. I was going to give her a call this past weekend but on the advice of counsel (
Mary/Kat) I held off doing that; she's of the mind I should allow this distance as
Raven knows how to get ahold of me and is clearly stressed with me currently. I can't argue that and my furry little friend may've saved me undue stress with this avoidance.
I've got this thing on my links list called 'Friendings' which tracks my friendslist that I usually hit each time I'm online. Thanks to that I know
Raven added me back again, although I'm still banned. So, she's reading me to some degree or other...though back in the day I was of the mind she only read posts that had her tag on them. I've been hearing on the grapevine that she's supposedly been saying she would still like to mend things, break bread, make with de peace but she's not up to it as yet. I'm hoping at some point, not too far into the future, she'll get around to that.
That reason she supplied has been going around in my head quite a bit. While the when of it has been juggled a bit, she may've taken the last part of the convention to actually be June instead of May as it still was, it's possible she's not entirely off about it. The base claim is that at a meeting/gathering of BayCon I said something to her, in regards to her using her PDA when de folks in charge were trying to shut everybody up, that was of a condescending manner. Basically, she thought I was talking down to her. My initial problem with this was the date which made no sense to me but once past that...I don't like the implication that I'd treat anybody like that. Let alone somebody I really liked. I'd like to think she mistook me and it was somebody else. Hell, I got yelled at for using my PDA (was recording the meeting for later viewing and the cute stuffs that happen) and I was quite steamed at the two folks that were behind the initial outburst;
Anna &
niveK. Me being me, I was royally pissed at them for about a day and a half...
...I don't do lengthy anger well.
The point is, when the meeting got underway the heads of the event got down to threatening and deranging and generally being unkind to the rest of us. This isn't a bad thing, it's a normal thing, and anyone that's not been to many of these things might not know that. As a rule I don't get in on that so while I can see myself maybe telling
Raven that she needed to stop whatever it was she was doing with her PDA and pay attention would've been done in a very basic manner...
...I'm not 100% sure. More like 95%.
Nobody's perfect.
Anyway that's that.
The trick about being very patient is that you have to occupy your mind with things in order to not go stir crazy while waiting for something. Sure you could use an mp3 player or some kinda portable game system but batteries don't last forever and it's periodically good to hear what's going on around you. So...I think about stuff. Silly stuffs, odd stuffs, downright weird stuffs...
...and stuffs that are going on in my life. Actually, those 3 descrptions for other stuffs actually do describe my life fairly accurately at points.
Don't worry. I'm past the depressive funk I was in last week. It may come back but I think I'm past the worst of it.
When
Raven removed me from her friendslist I didn't remove her. So far as LJ goes I re·classified her, made a new filter for folks that've banned me and popped her in there. She's in interesting company: geecat is in there and I added
Brand again just recently. Not too sure why she banned me, as she was never on my friendslist before a day ago, but I added camille to it as well.
Chatted with
Rachel yesterday, first time I've actually heard anything of her voice that wasn't voicemail in (feels like) months, and among the number of things we chatted about...told her that
Raven probably won't be in the room next year at BayCon. Could change but, given current circumstances, I can't see it as yet...
While I know I've annoyed the crap out of
Brand over the years...he has no concept what a strain he's been on me. Back in June, when I cut ties with him completely and stopped thinking of him as a friend, I'm sure I shocked him but he had finally reached my breaking point. It's possible I might've kicked him outta my life anyway, even if he hadn't threatened me, if he'd done something else that significantly aggravated me as he was wont to do from time to time...
...but even I wasn't prepared for that one thing. That was excessive. My response was equally so, deleting him from personal databases and the like until there was naught of him expcept in photo directories I have. Still, while I've not chosen to associate with him since I find I have been keeping tabs on him to a degree. He's in a few of my communities and when things are really slow I check the friendslists of those comms and wind up reading whatever it is he's posted.
The recent troubles with
Raven have had a similar effect with the exception that she cut ties with me...kinda sorta. She listed her primary reason, which I didn't entirely buy at the time but I've been thinking on it, and then banned me on Dark Tuesday. The day after she removed me from her friendslist. I was going to give her a call this past weekend but on the advice of counsel (
Mary/Kat) I held off doing that; she's of the mind I should allow this distance as
Raven knows how to get ahold of me and is clearly stressed with me currently. I can't argue that and my furry little friend may've saved me undue stress with this avoidance.
I've got this thing on my links list called 'Friendings' which tracks my friendslist that I usually hit each time I'm online. Thanks to that I know
Raven added me back again, although I'm still banned. So, she's reading me to some degree or other...though back in the day I was of the mind she only read posts that had her tag on them. I've been hearing on the grapevine that she's supposedly been saying she would still like to mend things, break bread, make with de peace but she's not up to it as yet. I'm hoping at some point, not too far into the future, she'll get around to that.
That reason she supplied has been going around in my head quite a bit. While the when of it has been juggled a bit, she may've taken the last part of the convention to actually be June instead of May as it still was, it's possible she's not entirely off about it. The base claim is that at a meeting/gathering of BayCon I said something to her, in regards to her using her PDA when de folks in charge were trying to shut everybody up, that was of a condescending manner. Basically, she thought I was talking down to her. My initial problem with this was the date which made no sense to me but once past that...I don't like the implication that I'd treat anybody like that. Let alone somebody I really liked. I'd like to think she mistook me and it was somebody else. Hell, I got yelled at for using my PDA (was recording the meeting for later viewing and the cute stuffs that happen) and I was quite steamed at the two folks that were behind the initial outburst;
Anna &
niveK. Me being me, I was royally pissed at them for about a day and a half...
...I don't do lengthy anger well.
The point is, when the meeting got underway the heads of the event got down to threatening and deranging and generally being unkind to the rest of us. This isn't a bad thing, it's a normal thing, and anyone that's not been to many of these things might not know that. As a rule I don't get in on that so while I can see myself maybe telling
Raven that she needed to stop whatever it was she was doing with her PDA and pay attention would've been done in a very basic manner...
...I'm not 100% sure. More like 95%.
Nobody's perfect.
Anyway that's that.
The trick about being very patient is that you have to occupy your mind with things in order to not go stir crazy while waiting for something. Sure you could use an mp3 player or some kinda portable game system but batteries don't last forever and it's periodically good to hear what's going on around you. So...I think about stuff. Silly stuffs, odd stuffs, downright weird stuffs...
...and stuffs that are going on in my life. Actually, those 3 descrptions for other stuffs actually do describe my life fairly accurately at points.
Don't worry. I'm past the depressive funk I was in last week. It may come back but I think I'm past the worst of it.
When
Raven removed me from her friendslist I didn't remove her. So far as LJ goes I re·classified her, made a new filter for folks that've banned me and popped her in there. She's in interesting company: geecat is in there and I added
Brand again just recently. Not too sure why she banned me, as she was never on my friendslist before a day ago, but I added camille to it as well.
Chatted with
Rachel yesterday, first time I've actually heard anything of her voice that wasn't voicemail in (feels like) months, and among the number of things we chatted about...told her that
Raven probably won't be in the room next year at BayCon. Could change but, given current circumstances, I can't see it as yet...