I suck at relationships
I think maybe Jeff is upset with me for going back to school, mainly for not really discussing it with him first. The longer I think about it, the worse I feel for having made that decision on my own. But isn't it my decision? I didn't think it was such a big deal, nor did I think moving to Long Beach might be such a big deal, but it is, and he is not happy about any of it. I know he is happy FOR me, because I know all of this is the right thing to do and I feel so hopeful about my future, but it's like your friend wins a car inn a sweepstakes and yours just broke and she already has one and you say "I'm so happy for you!" and of course you are, but you wish it had been you. I've been taking antidepressants for three weeks and the difference is incredible, and I know he's happy for me, but he also admitted he is a little jealous. I feel like he thinks I'm going to break up with him when I move, and he's been distancing himself accordingly. I ask him what he thinks is going to happen and he says "I don't know" instead of "It will suck that we will be living farther apart, but we'll make it work." He wanted me to move in with him but I feel like my options are move in with him, move by myself to Long Beach, quit school and don't move so everything stays the same, or break up.
I do realize now that I have been really selfish in my choices. Just been thinking about what I need to do (go to school, balance work + school, move closer to school) and have been hoping he'll just be there to cheer me on, ready to hang out with me when I get some with classes and finish my freelance work and take a shower and get a spare second. Realistically, I'm not used to having to take someone into consideration and since he's at the wanting to live together point, I think he sees our lives are more intertwined than I am ready for. I'm not sure. All I know is that since I started on the antidepressants (which might be another post), I can clearly see how he is not doing well, and all of my new changes are not helping. I want to go get my hair cut but I'm half afraid he'll freak that I am making yet another change without consulting him. This shit is really tough. I'm having such a great time at school, despite being tireed beyond all belief from the commute. I take the 154 to the Red Line Station, the Red Line to 7th St and get on the Blue Line, take the Blue Line to Transit Mall and get on whichever of the 90s buses tends to be next. Then I go to class for 3-4 hours and do it in reverse, except I'll take the Orange Line or 154 or 169 depending on the time. I have to carry 4 bus schedules with me at all times! Regardless, I'm overjoyed with this school experience, but coming home is not as fun. I hope we can work this out.
I do realize now that I have been really selfish in my choices. Just been thinking about what I need to do (go to school, balance work + school, move closer to school) and have been hoping he'll just be there to cheer me on, ready to hang out with me when I get some with classes and finish my freelance work and take a shower and get a spare second. Realistically, I'm not used to having to take someone into consideration and since he's at the wanting to live together point, I think he sees our lives are more intertwined than I am ready for. I'm not sure. All I know is that since I started on the antidepressants (which might be another post), I can clearly see how he is not doing well, and all of my new changes are not helping. I want to go get my hair cut but I'm half afraid he'll freak that I am making yet another change without consulting him. This shit is really tough. I'm having such a great time at school, despite being tireed beyond all belief from the commute. I take the 154 to the Red Line Station, the Red Line to 7th St and get on the Blue Line, take the Blue Line to Transit Mall and get on whichever of the 90s buses tends to be next. Then I go to class for 3-4 hours and do it in reverse, except I'll take the Orange Line or 154 or 169 depending on the time. I have to carry 4 bus schedules with me at all times! Regardless, I'm overjoyed with this school experience, but coming home is not as fun. I hope we can work this out.