What I want

[evilgerbil]

I like to keep track of this stuff.

Personal goals:

• To love myself and friends without fear
  
• To forgive those in my past who have hurt me and stop carrying around this stifling emotional burden
  
• To be less avoidant and less moody
  
• To be better at communication
  
• To be better in picking friends, associates and lovers
  
• To feel connected and loved even while alone
  
• A community of inspiring people
  
• Many creative outlets
  
• A rewarding career
  
• The confidence to realize the projects I have in my head
  
• The confidence to ask for help when I need it
  
• The ability to cry in front of others and let them see me be less than perfect
  
• To be present and engaged in the moment
  
• A healthy romantic partnership based on sharing, respect, communication, connection and equality. Not any time soon, but some day.
  

I realize that a lot of things I used to want to do were because I thought they sounded cool, or I had something to prove, or I wanted to be able to say I did them. Going to Peru was like that. I loved it, but the reason I went was honestly because I wanted to be able to look back on my life and say I had done it. These are things I really want to do, things that will make me happy or that I have a burning desire for.

Other things:

• Sell a painting
  
• See the northern lights
  
• Watch the Iditarod
  
• Live in a monastery, preferably Buddhist, for at least a week
  
• Practice throat singing in the hills of Tuva
  
• Sit on lots of rooftops all over the world
  

I look into the future a lot, down different avenues to see where my life might be. The vision I like the most is in Northern California, far enough out of San Francisco to avoid the noise and city congestion I hate, close to Petaluma so I can work on the temple on the weekends. I've got a weathered looking station wagon and in calm weather I can strap my kayak to the top and take it out to sea. It's beautiful, foggy and everygreen, and I've got a spare room that I use as an art studio. I don't know where I am, what I'm doing with my life, or who I'm with, but those are some things that I really really want.