The Hardest Thing

[evilfishy]

I needed a place to rant. I needed a place to vent. I didn't know where else to turn. It is so much more difficult discussing issues and feelings in person. I never wanted to be so afraid. I never wanted to be so weak. But I am finding that I just can't get through this. I thought it would be easy enough, but it's so hard, and I do not have the strength to continue these futile attempts. It is just making me more depressed, more lazy, more angry, more self-hateful...Need I go on? The only thing that is remotely keeping me going is the prospect of travel. Finally I can get away from this place. Finally I can start over in a location that I have grown more fond of. Finally I feel like I can be me. But this freedom, this fantasy can only be found beyond the hardest thing I've known, of course. Isn't that how life goes, after all? I just don't want to feel this down, though. There was a time when I was happy and confident and optimistic. I've lost that. If I can find another approach, another way...If I can restore what has disappeared, yet fulfill what needs to be fulfilled in order to leave this place then perhaps I can reach that bliss. But how do you recover what is lost if obstacles surround you and hold you down, if they enforce you to do something you do not want to do? Obstacles are just things for you to jump over, right? Then you try it.

Your longing, discontent servent,

Dim