Disabiltiy
I have been tired for a long time. Tired and waking up tired and wondering if I am ever going to make it past a seven am bedtime and a new release ridden bedtime. I want so badly to fall into something beautiful, a shift in the universe perhaps. If there was a black hole, it would be welcoming. I have come to a new rapture in my life, taking care of someone elses feeling comprable to my own and also on top of my own has proved to be a winding mistake on my part. How and when did I ever decide that falling in love with a version of myself was the right thing to do. Thinking on a whim, I am alone so very alone and yet I find that I have no time with myself.
How is it to fall asleep to a dream, but also to awake to one...
The stress kills. It severs ties, and bondos the only thing that we try hard to steer clear of. Which might only be the evil of humanity and the blackboard of sinking human relationships that we feel the need to create and then baby as if our life depends on it. I would be much better of if I was twenty seven days into a forty day sabbatical in the desert with nothing to occupy my time but late night t.v. in fuzzy black and white and expert level cross word puzzles. I can spell good, that is about the bulk of my talents lately. I can watch and wait as my fish swim the the surface to massacre worms that are already dead. I guess its safe to say that if I was rich or an excellent lover or a famous biologist I would still be able to find something that is fucked up about myself, so fucked up that I pray I don't go to sleep angry for fear that I might wake up angry.
The worst part about it is the booze. My mouths ability to open, swallow and consume heinous liquids that cloud my mind has proved deadly. Moment after moment as I delve deeper into a congenial depression that binds and swells, I become grateful that prohibition was a phase and that the worlds most evil drug is still available for my pleasure. Its not as if I need it, I just want it, I want to erase time, and in that sense move it forward as fast as I can with little to no memory of the ticking clock.
Most of the time things just feel hopeless and praying becomes a weight to which I cannot bear.
I must do something, I know I have potential beyond all this. Beyond the layment of days that I spend waiting and watching as other fall short of what they say. I can no longer allow myself to be that girl. I must conquer.
How is it to fall asleep to a dream, but also to awake to one...
The stress kills. It severs ties, and bondos the only thing that we try hard to steer clear of. Which might only be the evil of humanity and the blackboard of sinking human relationships that we feel the need to create and then baby as if our life depends on it. I would be much better of if I was twenty seven days into a forty day sabbatical in the desert with nothing to occupy my time but late night t.v. in fuzzy black and white and expert level cross word puzzles. I can spell good, that is about the bulk of my talents lately. I can watch and wait as my fish swim the the surface to massacre worms that are already dead. I guess its safe to say that if I was rich or an excellent lover or a famous biologist I would still be able to find something that is fucked up about myself, so fucked up that I pray I don't go to sleep angry for fear that I might wake up angry.
The worst part about it is the booze. My mouths ability to open, swallow and consume heinous liquids that cloud my mind has proved deadly. Moment after moment as I delve deeper into a congenial depression that binds and swells, I become grateful that prohibition was a phase and that the worlds most evil drug is still available for my pleasure. Its not as if I need it, I just want it, I want to erase time, and in that sense move it forward as fast as I can with little to no memory of the ticking clock.
Most of the time things just feel hopeless and praying becomes a weight to which I cannot bear.
I must do something, I know I have potential beyond all this. Beyond the layment of days that I spend waiting and watching as other fall short of what they say. I can no longer allow myself to be that girl. I must conquer.