A Halloween reminder.
Alright, I know alot of you are planning to head out tonight, in full costume, and are going to God-knows-where in the dead of night. I know I can't stop you even if I had a mind to do so, but I would be neglecting my duties if I did not provide you will a quick guide to what you may run into tonight. No, I don't mean drunks in crappy costumes. Tonight, above all other you may run the risk of actually running into a creature of supernatural origin. Not because today is any different from any other Tuesday, but because of the opportunity today presents. When else could a nightmarish creature show its face to the general public and not be chased back into the shadows by an angry mob? Today, and maybe Passover, but that's it. So I will provide you will the top list of monsters you may run into out there tonight in some dark alley.
Now, it's important to remember that above all else you should try to avoid combat with these creatures. Why involve yourself with the age old battle between good and evil if you don't have to? Especially since most of us are ill-equiped to deal with such abominations. Leave slaying the beast to the slayers, hunters, or whatever they are calling themselves these days. If at all possible, avoid contact and make a quick (but not paniked) get-away. That being said, here is a quick guide to staying alive tonight:
Vampires
Tonight is the mostly likely time in your life that you will ever see a supernatural creature, and the most likely of those creatures are one of these neck-biters. Normally, vampires keep a low-profile and can pass for human, albiet it a pale and emaciated one. But when over 43% of the general public is dressed up like some kind of ghoul or another Vampires can not only pass for human more easily, they usually get compliments on thier cool "costume." Now, the breadth and bevy of powers and abilities vampires posess are too numerous to go into detail here. So I'll stick to what works and what doesn't work against these blood suckers.
What Works:
First and foremost the bane of the vampire in the old fashioned wooden stake through the heart. It will paralyze a vampire as long as the stake remains plunged into the thing's chest, giving you ample time to decapitate or immolate the creature, the only two ways to permanately kill a vampire. However, this method presents 2 major problems. Firstly, finding a wooden stake is going to take some searching. Unless the host of the party you are at tonight builds fences for a living, you're going to be hard pressed to find a stake lying around. In a pinch, a chair leg or a baseball bat (both properly sharpened or splintered) can be used as an improvised stake. Which brings me to problem number 2, actually hitting the thing in the heart. A vampire isnt going to sit idly by while you try to stake him. An actuall fight with one of these creatures is a dangerous endeavor that event seasoned slayers struggle with.
Vampires do however have some other weakness that you can exploit. Vampire cannot cross running water. No I don't mean a running faucet or a garden hose, but any kind of stream, river, or creek with present an uncrossable barrier between you and it. However, vampires can be carried across. So if the vampire has any minions at his or her disposal (and they usually do), it will only provide a temporary distraction.
Also, Vampires cannot enter private homes without permission. Now I know what you are thinking "Bullshit! I saw in Buffy season one Angel walked right into...". One important thing to remember is that this is real life and not some dramatized fiction meant to ensnare audiences. Can you imagine how boring vampire movies would be if they kept 100% true to the facts? Van Helsing could have just run home and locked the door. End of movie. Not very exciting is it? Now, what is important to remember is once you get inside a private place (preferably your own home) you must make sure that you do not leave a door open at anytime. Do not assume the vampire has left and you can go back to the party at Jackie's place. In fact, if you see any kind of supernatural creature it's best just to call it a night.
Of course the best defense against a vampire, as well as the safest, is to keep the vampire at bay will a crucifix. Why a crucifix? Well, since I do not wish to start a theological debate just take my word that this time honored symbol will prevent a vampire from approaching you. That's not to say it will stop trying to harm you or flee. This isn't a full-proff method of protection. Use it as a way to give you an escape route or a chance to pick up that stake you dropped a few seconds ago. It's also worth mentioning that anything of Holy origin will damage or repel a vampire. Saint's ashes, sacred Eucharist, red roses, anything that filled with positive energy will ward off a vampire.
Now, the wierdest method of all for dealing with a vampire is the little know handful of rice trick. As the name implies you need a hanful of rice, or salt, sand, anything numerous and small. Once you have that toss it on the ground in front of the vampire and command it to count the objects. For some reason or another (no one yet knows why) The vampire will be commpelled to stop what it's doing and count all the grains of rice or whatever untill it is done. Sometimes this will even occupy the vampire long enough that he or she will be still counting the rice as the sun rises and destroys the vampire once and for all.
What Doesn't Work:
The biggest misconception concering vampires is the belief that silver is an effective weapon against them. This is a case of mistaken identity. Silver is the bane of lycanthropes, not vampires. If you try to stab a vampire will a silvered knife, he will laugh at you as he drains your life blood out of your neck.
Secondly, garlic has no effect on vampires. I don't even know how this ridiculous myth started. Don't waste time wafting this fragrent stuff at the undead, grab a cross and get the hell out of there.
The most important thing to remember when facing a vampire is that conventional violence will not work. Shoot 'em all you want, they will just get back up and rip out your throat after you've spent all your precious ammo.
Zombies
A cousin to the vampire and currently the most popular monster thanks to more and more movies featuring them, Zombies are a dangerous threat that can easily get out of hand very quickly. Now, for best source on how to deal with these shamblers I suggest you read Max Brooks's Zombie Survival Guide. Now I know finding that book may take longer than an afternoon to find and certainly longer to read so I'll attempt to give you the most important things to keep in mind when facing flesh eaters.
Much like vampires, conventional harm will not stop a zombie. The only way to put one down is to destroy thier brain. This means you'll need a weapon cappable of either smahing in thier skull, decapitate them, or puncture thier head. For detailed summary of what weapons to use I suggest thumbing through the fist few chapters of Max Brook's guide.
However, fighting zombies is a great way to get bit and become one. More so that any other monster you should attempt to flee any kind of zombie attack. Once you are certain of a zombie pressence, drop your costume, tie up any long hair, and find a bike. Extra or loose clothes as well as long hair provide zombies with excellent handles by which to grab and pull you to a tooth filled demise. The bike will prove a quick, and quiet means of escape, as well as the manueverablility to weave in and out of traffic, alleys, or a horde of zombies themselves.
Once, you are away form the zombie threat retreat to your home's second story or any other above ground hiding plac and attempt to contact the police. It's also important to keep by a radio to know whether the problem has resolved itself or is out of hand and escaping the city is next on your to-do list.
Lycanthropes
Simply known as werewolves to the general public, lycanthropes (or lycans), can be more than just a man that can turn into a wolf. Any combonation of mammal-human is possible, such as were-bear, were-jackal, or were-tiger. Other combonations exist but are execeptionally rare.
The most important thing to remember when dealing with lycans is a physicall fights ten times out of ten will result in you being clawed and biten to death. Lycans enjoy super human strength, speed and toughness. It sounds morbid, but let other fool-hardy individuals find themselves in the unforgiving jaws of a werewolf while you make your way out the door.
Two things are effective against lycans: Silver and belladona. Otherwise known as wolf's bane, belladonna is blue flowered-like plant that grows in temperate woods. Belladona is a strong poison, so do not attempt to handle it with bare hands. Once you do have a strand of it, attach it to a long stabbing weapong, preferable a spear or fire-poker, and stab it into the were-beast. It's poison will temporarily subdue the beast's powers and revert him or her back into a human. At that point restrain the individual and wait untill help arrives. Now, silver will deal mortal blows to a lycan, but unless you're the Lone Ranger finding a decent supply of silver weapons will be a difficult task. The single most readily available source is silverware. Old-fashion forks and knives were infact made of silver, hence the name. Any house that has been around long enough is sure to have some "good silver" in an attict or drawer. Find it and use it to fend off the lycan while you escape.
The good news about lycans is that they can only appear during a full-moon. Tonight's forecast is cloudy, so you shouldn't have to worry about lycans tonight. Unless a tempestari plans on changing current weather conditions.
Reanimated Men
One would think this name implies the undead, but in fact it is the exact oppostie. Reanimated men (though they aren't all necessarily male) are a collection of body parts and ograns brought back to life, typically by some wild-eyed scientist. Now, the most important thing to keep in mind with reanimated men is that they are in fact only human. Despite what the surgical scars and raggedy clothing suggests, they are not super strong or super tough. A nice blast from a 12 gauge will bring one of these down no problem.
However, not all reanimated men need to be executed like a rabid dog. Sometimes the brains they are given are intact and capable of cognitive tought and may prove to be gentle giants. However, if the brains they are given are in fact abnormal in anyway, they can be prone to wild mood swings and dangerous rampages. Even though, as stated earlier, reanimated men arent superhuman, they are usually in fact really big guys. The body parts used to create them were artifically enlarged to make the procedure used to create them easier. Meaning they have increased muscle mass and size. Think of two Offensive Linemen taped together. That's the kind of raw strength many of these creatures wield.
The best weapon to use against these creatures is fire. Something deep within the monster has a natural fear of this element and fill flee at it at first sight. Those of you who smoke will find dealing with these creatures much easier than nonsmokers. Just flash them your zippo and watch them run.
One important note about these things, do not under any circumstances attempt to use electricity against them. Huge voltages of electricity were used to create these monsters and only serve to fuel these creature's bodies, making them stronger and filling them with a deadly electric charge. Try to keep them away form any downed powerlines or transformer boxes.
The good news about these beasts is that thier coordination is greatly hindered from thier reanimation. Thier joints are stiff and ridged, making walking difficult and running almost impossible. Use this to your advantage and leg it as soon as you discover your date at the massquerade ball has too convincing of a Frankenstien costume.
Fish Men
Fish men are the next evolutionary step for canrvenerous fish, such as pirhana. They have the basic humanoid features of your typically human, plus the fins, gills, and powerful jaws of a seven foot barracuda. These creatures are extremely tough. Thier jurassic like armor plating makes shooting them an exercise in futility. Unfortunatly they has been dislodged from thier natural environment thanks to the slash and burn agroculture of the Amazon region. Many of these walking sharks are finding homes in our nearby lakes and ponds. If you are planning on skinny dipping in unfamilar waters keep these things in mind:
-Do swim in water that is deeper than your chest. Any deeper than that and you run the risk if being pulled under by one of these monsters.
-Do not disturb any inclosed or otherwise secluded bodies of water. Often times Fish men make thier homes in hard to reach areas to avoid contact with other predators, but if you wander into thier den then they will come down on you with all the fury of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
-Avoid urinating while swiming. I know the urge to do so is strong, but pissing in the water is the best way give off your scent and attract one of these deep sea beasts.
-If you do think thier might be a Fish Man in the pond you are swimming in, quickly but calmly make your way out of the water and back to dry land. While these creatures are amphibic, they can't spend all day on land. So get back on land and get as far away from the lake as possible.
One important note: These beasts seem to be attracted to handsome females. For some reason or another, they attempt to capture human females and take them back to thier den. If you are a comely young woman, be sure to take extra care before jumping into unfamilar waters or you may find yourself the target of an wanted monster's affections.
Giant Monsters
Sometimes, thanks to the advent of nuclear radiation and other hazardous waste or culture creates, normal sized bugs or animals grew to hundreds of times thier normal size and terrorize entire cities. While these breed of monsters are highly unlikely, a few simple steps can be taken to help ensure your safety should one such monster arrise tonight.
Firstly, always keep a radio on or a TV tuned a major netwrok such as ABC, CBS, or NBC. Should a giant monster (or kaiju for you Japanesse purests) begin a campaign of destruction these mediums will have plenty of press coverage on the event. This is your preliminary warning. Take down as much infomation reguarding the monster as possible. Size, speed, general location, and destination are vitals pieces of intelligence you need in order to elude a trampling.
One you discover where this thing is head, grab a bike, yes a bicycle, and get as far away from the monster in the opposite direction of which is heading. All too often people will attempt to out run a monster whose stride alone is able to cover several city blocks. If the monster is heading towards your area, take a perpendicular path. Never attempt to out speed a giant monster.
The bicycle is critical in your escape. Much like with zombie attacks, droves of people will all attempt to flee the city at once with thier vehicles leading to traffic jams and congestion. A bike, or more preferable a dirt bike or motorcycle, will allow you to thread the needle of traffic and get out of dodge while those unfortunate souls in thier cars get smashed by an oversized bettle.
Secondly, on your way out of town be sure to grab a handful of provisions because chances are your home, grocery store, and/or your whole damned neighborhood will be nothing but rumble once the monster is subdued. So its imporant to have something to live off of while you wait for Government aid to arrive. Since it is Halloween, be sure to grab something that is actually food and not sugary junk. Nab a few caramel apples or donuts. While they are sugary, they do provide basic nutrition that will last you a handful of days if properly rationed, plus the sugar will provide you will a short burst of energy in case you should need to pedal away from the second attack of a gigantic dinosuar.
Now, it is important to keep in mind that should a giant monster set its sights on you, you have little chance of eluding it. Its simple physics. Unless it is especially slow, like a blob of carneverous slime, it's size alone will make up any distance covered even by a speeding muscle car, but if you get an early heads up there is no reason why you cant successful evacuate from the juggernaut's warpath.
Some important side notes: These monsters are typically radioactive, meaning that re-entering the city after the monster is gone is a great way of getting radiation poisoning. Take your time going back home, and make sure the local authorities have run a Giger counter throught he area. It wont do you any good to survive the monster's wrath if you succumb to radiation later on. Lastly, sometimes these monsters posses powerful bio-weapons such as breath weapons or similar attacks. Should the monster attacking your city have one of these weapons thier destructive capabilites are doubled, making all the more important to discover the monster early and get out of thier way.
Skeletons
If vampires are the cousin of zombies, then skeletons are thier step-brother. Skeletons are the bones of the dead brought back to life by black magic. They are faster and more cunning than thier rotting counterparts, but should you run into a pack of walking bones follow these nuggets of wisdom and you might just escape with your life.
Firstly, Skeletons can be broken by bludgeoning wepaons. Baseball bats are number one on the list of bone-breakers. Usually some meat-head at the party cant think of anything better and wear thier old jersey and carry a bat around as a sad excuse for a costume. Commondere one of these beautifully crafted clubs and go for the skull. Keep in mind, this is very important, often times skeletons will reassemble themselves after being knocked apart. The only way to keep them down to kill the warlock or sorceror that created them in the first place. He or she usually won't be nearby, so use the time the skeletons take repairing themselves to get out of harm's way. Also keep in mind guns, and slashing or stabbing weapons are almost useless against skeletons. They also are immune to fire, cold, and many other things creatures with flesh would otherwise be vulnerable to.
The most important thing to remember when dealing with skeletons is that they are smart. They can use weapons, armor, and impliment plans. If a horde of walking bones get a hold of some weapons or, God forbid, guns, make no attempt to aproach them. Escape, find a safe hiding place and wait for a trained Hunter to deal with them.
The good news is the spell that is used to create skeletons has a fixed duration. Your best bet is to wait them out and eventually they will collapse back into the pile of bones they came from.
Aliens
Visitors from beyond the stars often crash the party here on Earth around this time of year. Aliens' greatest strength is thier superior intelligence and technology. Thier death rays can quickly reduce a battalion of well-trained soldiers into a pile of ashes. Our weapons are useless against them. Thier enegry shields and vibranium armor turn even the most powerful artilery shell or missle into a harmless annoyence. So how in the world are we to defend ourselves against these deep space terrors? It's actually quite simple.
Now, your typical alien are killed by either germs, or water. Since from whatever planet they are from doesn't have the same microbes and diseases we have, thier immune systems are ripe for sickness. Usually these aliens anticipate this and wear protective glass helmets or other such devices. That being the case, it's only a matter of cracking the glass and exposing them to our atmosphere. That being said, keep in mind this is a double-edged sword. They too will be carrying alien microbes and diseases from thier home planet, so try not to get too close to an exposed alien.
If they are in fact vulnerable to water, go grab a super soaker or a water pistol and defend yourself. Keep in mind the defense part of that sentence. Just because you posses the things' Achilless's Heel doesn't mean thier probes or death rays are any less effective on you. Try to contact the police or Government once you discover thier weakness. The sooner the higher-ups know what to do, the sooner they can mop up the problem and you can get back to parking with your sweety.
*It has been just brought to my attention that sometimes high-pitched sounds are also the bane form our other worldly invaders. Find some dog whistles or falsetto heavy vocalists records and take it too 'em.
Ghosts
Ghosts are tricky. They can't be killed through violence, nor can they be repelled by Holy relics. The best offense against ghosts is a strong defense. Ghosts are tied to either a specific place, or a specific purpose, such as killing whoever watches a cursed video tape. In order to avoid being the target of an ectoplasmic attack, follow these simple rules:
-Do not under any circumstances go into any abondoned buildings, old cemeteries, or places were people have been murdered or commited suicide. These places are the breeding grounds for supernatural occurances and entering them will draw the attention of a vengeful spirit.
-Do not call out any cursed names 3 times, especially into a mirror. Trying any of these after hour dares is a sure way to anger an otherwise dormant ghost.
-Do not mock, or make fun of anyone that died on the anniversary of thier death. You might as well be asking for death by doing so.
-Do not handle or otherwise expose yourself to any cursed objects. If a video game supposedly kills you after you play it, then why run the risk of awakening the ghosts in the programing? Put it down and leave it be untill it is proven otherwise.
If you should by accident anger a ghost, try your best to make amends or right whatever wrong that has turned them into a poltrigeise. Examples include burrying thier forgotten corpse, avengeing thier death, bringing thier killer to justice, or letting them see a loved one for the last time. Sadly, if a ghost is intent on killing you, there is very little you can do to stop them, unless you happen to have a photon ray just laying around.
Demons
Aside from the seer destructive ability of giant monsters and aliens, Demons are by far the most dangerous of supernatural creatures running around in the shadows. Not only can Demons kill you, but they can also endanger your very soul, which is far worse that a simple homicide. Much like vampires, Demon have an asernal of other-worldly powers at thier disposal, the depth of which I cannot even scratch the surface of. I will have give you some general guidelines when delaing with Demons.
Firstly, Demon very rarely show thier true form. They often disguise themselves as an average Joe and hide among us. They also can posses weak-willed individuals and use them like a cheap suit to do thier dirty work. Here are some hints that someone may be possesed by a demon or is in fact a demon themself.
-Does the person posses super human strength and dexterity? Can they lift well above a person of thier size normally could? Can they walk backwards on thier hands and feet down the stairs? If you say yes to any of these, chance are that you dealing with a demon and not the word's greatest athlete.
-Does the person have knowledge of places and things he or she has been seen before? Can the person speak additional languages that he or she did not previously know? Are any of these languages ancient ones that haven't been uttered in hundreds of years? Does the person twitch uncontrollably and speak in tongues? If so, you are either dealing a demon or a person with a mental condition of some kind. Either way, its best to steer clear of them for the time being.
-Does the person refer to themselves as plural or in the third-person? Examples include: "We are Legion," "Sarah does not like you." "We will burn this place to the ground!," etc.
If a person you know suffers from any of these ailments there are several steps you need to take for both your safety and thiers. Firstly, restrain the individual immediatly. This will be hard since the person may posses superhuman strength. Try to use the strength in numbers ruetine and overwhelm the person with at least 4 other people helping you. Secondly attempt to contact a Catholic Priest as soon as possible. Again, I don't wish to start a theological debate, but trust me, Catholics have extensive knowledge on exorcising demons. Lastly, if you cannot subdue the person and he or she is starting the shed the blood of the innocent, try this trick: encircle yourself in a circle of salt. Yes, I know this is an old pagan tactic, but you can't argue with results. Go grab that box of Morton's Salt from the kitchen and lay down a layer of protection. It will keep the demon away from you, but wont stop them from killing your friends, so try to avert your eyes.
Finally there is one specific demon that demands additional warning: The Succubus. For those for you not in the know, a succubuss (or incubuss) is a demon that takes the appearance of a beautiful man or woman and attempts to seduce mortals in exchange for thier souls. By no means, I repeat by no means sleep with any sucipious people tonight, no matter how attractive they may seem, especially if they are "out of your league." Eight times out of ten the person is a demon trying to steal your soul by way of sex, the other times its usually just somebody who has had too much to drink. Either way, don't fall for it. If you have to sleep with someone tonight, be sure its somebody you know and trust, especially if its a guy who like but you think is too nice to be a boyfriend.
The Slasher
The last monster on my list is by far the most unrelenting. The Slasher is a type of monster that refers to a specific individual monster. Many of them have innocent sounding names, such as Jason or Freddie, but by no means are they lovable or even friendly for that matter. Each Slasher is kind of a case-by-case basis. Each one will vary on thier specific strengths and weakness, but thier are a few general guidelines that will up your chances of survival.
-Do not split up. If you think you are maybe being stalked by a Slasher, by no means send one member of your group off to investigate or go for help. You may as well slit thier throats yourself. Stay together, stay alive.
-Do not go anywhere where previous Slasher attacks have occured. They always come back for the sequel and the last thing you want is top biling in it. Stick to places you know deranged axe-wielding maniacs aren't.
-If you suspect you are the target of a slaher, do not stop your escape to take a shower, have sex, or remove your clothing for any means. Slashers can somehow pick up on nudity and will come straight for you if your pants are off.
-Do not hide in dark, secluded places if you can help it. Stick to public places. Slashers are less prone to appearing in front of a crowd.
-If you are hosting a party, be sure to lock up your garage or tool shed and keep any potentially deadly tools or weapons safely secured. The last thing you want to supply a madman with a plethora of possible killing tools laying around. Even something as simple as a noise maker can be a deadly weapon in the wrong hands.
-Lastly, if you are still technically a teenager your chances of encountering a slasher are doubled, so if at all possible stick close to home and do not go out if you don't have too. Why risk falling into the hands of a merciless killer just to show how independant you are to your parents? It's not worth it.
So if you follow these basic rules, there is no reason why you can't have a fun and safe All Hallow's Eve. And if are staring down the sights of some creature of the night, give 'em hell for me.
Take out there on Devil's Night.
Now, it's important to remember that above all else you should try to avoid combat with these creatures. Why involve yourself with the age old battle between good and evil if you don't have to? Especially since most of us are ill-equiped to deal with such abominations. Leave slaying the beast to the slayers, hunters, or whatever they are calling themselves these days. If at all possible, avoid contact and make a quick (but not paniked) get-away. That being said, here is a quick guide to staying alive tonight:
Vampires
Tonight is the mostly likely time in your life that you will ever see a supernatural creature, and the most likely of those creatures are one of these neck-biters. Normally, vampires keep a low-profile and can pass for human, albiet it a pale and emaciated one. But when over 43% of the general public is dressed up like some kind of ghoul or another Vampires can not only pass for human more easily, they usually get compliments on thier cool "costume." Now, the breadth and bevy of powers and abilities vampires posess are too numerous to go into detail here. So I'll stick to what works and what doesn't work against these blood suckers.
What Works:
First and foremost the bane of the vampire in the old fashioned wooden stake through the heart. It will paralyze a vampire as long as the stake remains plunged into the thing's chest, giving you ample time to decapitate or immolate the creature, the only two ways to permanately kill a vampire. However, this method presents 2 major problems. Firstly, finding a wooden stake is going to take some searching. Unless the host of the party you are at tonight builds fences for a living, you're going to be hard pressed to find a stake lying around. In a pinch, a chair leg or a baseball bat (both properly sharpened or splintered) can be used as an improvised stake. Which brings me to problem number 2, actually hitting the thing in the heart. A vampire isnt going to sit idly by while you try to stake him. An actuall fight with one of these creatures is a dangerous endeavor that event seasoned slayers struggle with.
Vampires do however have some other weakness that you can exploit. Vampire cannot cross running water. No I don't mean a running faucet or a garden hose, but any kind of stream, river, or creek with present an uncrossable barrier between you and it. However, vampires can be carried across. So if the vampire has any minions at his or her disposal (and they usually do), it will only provide a temporary distraction.
Also, Vampires cannot enter private homes without permission. Now I know what you are thinking "Bullshit! I saw in Buffy season one Angel walked right into...". One important thing to remember is that this is real life and not some dramatized fiction meant to ensnare audiences. Can you imagine how boring vampire movies would be if they kept 100% true to the facts? Van Helsing could have just run home and locked the door. End of movie. Not very exciting is it? Now, what is important to remember is once you get inside a private place (preferably your own home) you must make sure that you do not leave a door open at anytime. Do not assume the vampire has left and you can go back to the party at Jackie's place. In fact, if you see any kind of supernatural creature it's best just to call it a night.
Of course the best defense against a vampire, as well as the safest, is to keep the vampire at bay will a crucifix. Why a crucifix? Well, since I do not wish to start a theological debate just take my word that this time honored symbol will prevent a vampire from approaching you. That's not to say it will stop trying to harm you or flee. This isn't a full-proff method of protection. Use it as a way to give you an escape route or a chance to pick up that stake you dropped a few seconds ago. It's also worth mentioning that anything of Holy origin will damage or repel a vampire. Saint's ashes, sacred Eucharist, red roses, anything that filled with positive energy will ward off a vampire.
Now, the wierdest method of all for dealing with a vampire is the little know handful of rice trick. As the name implies you need a hanful of rice, or salt, sand, anything numerous and small. Once you have that toss it on the ground in front of the vampire and command it to count the objects. For some reason or another (no one yet knows why) The vampire will be commpelled to stop what it's doing and count all the grains of rice or whatever untill it is done. Sometimes this will even occupy the vampire long enough that he or she will be still counting the rice as the sun rises and destroys the vampire once and for all.
What Doesn't Work:
The biggest misconception concering vampires is the belief that silver is an effective weapon against them. This is a case of mistaken identity. Silver is the bane of lycanthropes, not vampires. If you try to stab a vampire will a silvered knife, he will laugh at you as he drains your life blood out of your neck.
Secondly, garlic has no effect on vampires. I don't even know how this ridiculous myth started. Don't waste time wafting this fragrent stuff at the undead, grab a cross and get the hell out of there.
The most important thing to remember when facing a vampire is that conventional violence will not work. Shoot 'em all you want, they will just get back up and rip out your throat after you've spent all your precious ammo.
Zombies
A cousin to the vampire and currently the most popular monster thanks to more and more movies featuring them, Zombies are a dangerous threat that can easily get out of hand very quickly. Now, for best source on how to deal with these shamblers I suggest you read Max Brooks's Zombie Survival Guide. Now I know finding that book may take longer than an afternoon to find and certainly longer to read so I'll attempt to give you the most important things to keep in mind when facing flesh eaters.
Much like vampires, conventional harm will not stop a zombie. The only way to put one down is to destroy thier brain. This means you'll need a weapon cappable of either smahing in thier skull, decapitate them, or puncture thier head. For detailed summary of what weapons to use I suggest thumbing through the fist few chapters of Max Brook's guide.
However, fighting zombies is a great way to get bit and become one. More so that any other monster you should attempt to flee any kind of zombie attack. Once you are certain of a zombie pressence, drop your costume, tie up any long hair, and find a bike. Extra or loose clothes as well as long hair provide zombies with excellent handles by which to grab and pull you to a tooth filled demise. The bike will prove a quick, and quiet means of escape, as well as the manueverablility to weave in and out of traffic, alleys, or a horde of zombies themselves.
Once, you are away form the zombie threat retreat to your home's second story or any other above ground hiding plac and attempt to contact the police. It's also important to keep by a radio to know whether the problem has resolved itself or is out of hand and escaping the city is next on your to-do list.
Lycanthropes
Simply known as werewolves to the general public, lycanthropes (or lycans), can be more than just a man that can turn into a wolf. Any combonation of mammal-human is possible, such as were-bear, were-jackal, or were-tiger. Other combonations exist but are execeptionally rare.
The most important thing to remember when dealing with lycans is a physicall fights ten times out of ten will result in you being clawed and biten to death. Lycans enjoy super human strength, speed and toughness. It sounds morbid, but let other fool-hardy individuals find themselves in the unforgiving jaws of a werewolf while you make your way out the door.
Two things are effective against lycans: Silver and belladona. Otherwise known as wolf's bane, belladonna is blue flowered-like plant that grows in temperate woods. Belladona is a strong poison, so do not attempt to handle it with bare hands. Once you do have a strand of it, attach it to a long stabbing weapong, preferable a spear or fire-poker, and stab it into the were-beast. It's poison will temporarily subdue the beast's powers and revert him or her back into a human. At that point restrain the individual and wait untill help arrives. Now, silver will deal mortal blows to a lycan, but unless you're the Lone Ranger finding a decent supply of silver weapons will be a difficult task. The single most readily available source is silverware. Old-fashion forks and knives were infact made of silver, hence the name. Any house that has been around long enough is sure to have some "good silver" in an attict or drawer. Find it and use it to fend off the lycan while you escape.
The good news about lycans is that they can only appear during a full-moon. Tonight's forecast is cloudy, so you shouldn't have to worry about lycans tonight. Unless a tempestari plans on changing current weather conditions.
Reanimated Men
One would think this name implies the undead, but in fact it is the exact oppostie. Reanimated men (though they aren't all necessarily male) are a collection of body parts and ograns brought back to life, typically by some wild-eyed scientist. Now, the most important thing to keep in mind with reanimated men is that they are in fact only human. Despite what the surgical scars and raggedy clothing suggests, they are not super strong or super tough. A nice blast from a 12 gauge will bring one of these down no problem.
However, not all reanimated men need to be executed like a rabid dog. Sometimes the brains they are given are intact and capable of cognitive tought and may prove to be gentle giants. However, if the brains they are given are in fact abnormal in anyway, they can be prone to wild mood swings and dangerous rampages. Even though, as stated earlier, reanimated men arent superhuman, they are usually in fact really big guys. The body parts used to create them were artifically enlarged to make the procedure used to create them easier. Meaning they have increased muscle mass and size. Think of two Offensive Linemen taped together. That's the kind of raw strength many of these creatures wield.
The best weapon to use against these creatures is fire. Something deep within the monster has a natural fear of this element and fill flee at it at first sight. Those of you who smoke will find dealing with these creatures much easier than nonsmokers. Just flash them your zippo and watch them run.
One important note about these things, do not under any circumstances attempt to use electricity against them. Huge voltages of electricity were used to create these monsters and only serve to fuel these creature's bodies, making them stronger and filling them with a deadly electric charge. Try to keep them away form any downed powerlines or transformer boxes.
The good news about these beasts is that thier coordination is greatly hindered from thier reanimation. Thier joints are stiff and ridged, making walking difficult and running almost impossible. Use this to your advantage and leg it as soon as you discover your date at the massquerade ball has too convincing of a Frankenstien costume.
Fish Men
Fish men are the next evolutionary step for canrvenerous fish, such as pirhana. They have the basic humanoid features of your typically human, plus the fins, gills, and powerful jaws of a seven foot barracuda. These creatures are extremely tough. Thier jurassic like armor plating makes shooting them an exercise in futility. Unfortunatly they has been dislodged from thier natural environment thanks to the slash and burn agroculture of the Amazon region. Many of these walking sharks are finding homes in our nearby lakes and ponds. If you are planning on skinny dipping in unfamilar waters keep these things in mind:
-Do swim in water that is deeper than your chest. Any deeper than that and you run the risk if being pulled under by one of these monsters.
-Do not disturb any inclosed or otherwise secluded bodies of water. Often times Fish men make thier homes in hard to reach areas to avoid contact with other predators, but if you wander into thier den then they will come down on you with all the fury of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
-Avoid urinating while swiming. I know the urge to do so is strong, but pissing in the water is the best way give off your scent and attract one of these deep sea beasts.
-If you do think thier might be a Fish Man in the pond you are swimming in, quickly but calmly make your way out of the water and back to dry land. While these creatures are amphibic, they can't spend all day on land. So get back on land and get as far away from the lake as possible.
One important note: These beasts seem to be attracted to handsome females. For some reason or another, they attempt to capture human females and take them back to thier den. If you are a comely young woman, be sure to take extra care before jumping into unfamilar waters or you may find yourself the target of an wanted monster's affections.
Giant Monsters
Sometimes, thanks to the advent of nuclear radiation and other hazardous waste or culture creates, normal sized bugs or animals grew to hundreds of times thier normal size and terrorize entire cities. While these breed of monsters are highly unlikely, a few simple steps can be taken to help ensure your safety should one such monster arrise tonight.
Firstly, always keep a radio on or a TV tuned a major netwrok such as ABC, CBS, or NBC. Should a giant monster (or kaiju for you Japanesse purests) begin a campaign of destruction these mediums will have plenty of press coverage on the event. This is your preliminary warning. Take down as much infomation reguarding the monster as possible. Size, speed, general location, and destination are vitals pieces of intelligence you need in order to elude a trampling.
One you discover where this thing is head, grab a bike, yes a bicycle, and get as far away from the monster in the opposite direction of which is heading. All too often people will attempt to out run a monster whose stride alone is able to cover several city blocks. If the monster is heading towards your area, take a perpendicular path. Never attempt to out speed a giant monster.
The bicycle is critical in your escape. Much like with zombie attacks, droves of people will all attempt to flee the city at once with thier vehicles leading to traffic jams and congestion. A bike, or more preferable a dirt bike or motorcycle, will allow you to thread the needle of traffic and get out of dodge while those unfortunate souls in thier cars get smashed by an oversized bettle.
Secondly, on your way out of town be sure to grab a handful of provisions because chances are your home, grocery store, and/or your whole damned neighborhood will be nothing but rumble once the monster is subdued. So its imporant to have something to live off of while you wait for Government aid to arrive. Since it is Halloween, be sure to grab something that is actually food and not sugary junk. Nab a few caramel apples or donuts. While they are sugary, they do provide basic nutrition that will last you a handful of days if properly rationed, plus the sugar will provide you will a short burst of energy in case you should need to pedal away from the second attack of a gigantic dinosuar.
Now, it is important to keep in mind that should a giant monster set its sights on you, you have little chance of eluding it. Its simple physics. Unless it is especially slow, like a blob of carneverous slime, it's size alone will make up any distance covered even by a speeding muscle car, but if you get an early heads up there is no reason why you cant successful evacuate from the juggernaut's warpath.
Some important side notes: These monsters are typically radioactive, meaning that re-entering the city after the monster is gone is a great way of getting radiation poisoning. Take your time going back home, and make sure the local authorities have run a Giger counter throught he area. It wont do you any good to survive the monster's wrath if you succumb to radiation later on. Lastly, sometimes these monsters posses powerful bio-weapons such as breath weapons or similar attacks. Should the monster attacking your city have one of these weapons thier destructive capabilites are doubled, making all the more important to discover the monster early and get out of thier way.
Skeletons
If vampires are the cousin of zombies, then skeletons are thier step-brother. Skeletons are the bones of the dead brought back to life by black magic. They are faster and more cunning than thier rotting counterparts, but should you run into a pack of walking bones follow these nuggets of wisdom and you might just escape with your life.
Firstly, Skeletons can be broken by bludgeoning wepaons. Baseball bats are number one on the list of bone-breakers. Usually some meat-head at the party cant think of anything better and wear thier old jersey and carry a bat around as a sad excuse for a costume. Commondere one of these beautifully crafted clubs and go for the skull. Keep in mind, this is very important, often times skeletons will reassemble themselves after being knocked apart. The only way to keep them down to kill the warlock or sorceror that created them in the first place. He or she usually won't be nearby, so use the time the skeletons take repairing themselves to get out of harm's way. Also keep in mind guns, and slashing or stabbing weapons are almost useless against skeletons. They also are immune to fire, cold, and many other things creatures with flesh would otherwise be vulnerable to.
The most important thing to remember when dealing with skeletons is that they are smart. They can use weapons, armor, and impliment plans. If a horde of walking bones get a hold of some weapons or, God forbid, guns, make no attempt to aproach them. Escape, find a safe hiding place and wait for a trained Hunter to deal with them.
The good news is the spell that is used to create skeletons has a fixed duration. Your best bet is to wait them out and eventually they will collapse back into the pile of bones they came from.
Aliens
Visitors from beyond the stars often crash the party here on Earth around this time of year. Aliens' greatest strength is thier superior intelligence and technology. Thier death rays can quickly reduce a battalion of well-trained soldiers into a pile of ashes. Our weapons are useless against them. Thier enegry shields and vibranium armor turn even the most powerful artilery shell or missle into a harmless annoyence. So how in the world are we to defend ourselves against these deep space terrors? It's actually quite simple.
Now, your typical alien are killed by either germs, or water. Since from whatever planet they are from doesn't have the same microbes and diseases we have, thier immune systems are ripe for sickness. Usually these aliens anticipate this and wear protective glass helmets or other such devices. That being the case, it's only a matter of cracking the glass and exposing them to our atmosphere. That being said, keep in mind this is a double-edged sword. They too will be carrying alien microbes and diseases from thier home planet, so try not to get too close to an exposed alien.
If they are in fact vulnerable to water, go grab a super soaker or a water pistol and defend yourself. Keep in mind the defense part of that sentence. Just because you posses the things' Achilless's Heel doesn't mean thier probes or death rays are any less effective on you. Try to contact the police or Government once you discover thier weakness. The sooner the higher-ups know what to do, the sooner they can mop up the problem and you can get back to parking with your sweety.
*It has been just brought to my attention that sometimes high-pitched sounds are also the bane form our other worldly invaders. Find some dog whistles or falsetto heavy vocalists records and take it too 'em.
Ghosts
Ghosts are tricky. They can't be killed through violence, nor can they be repelled by Holy relics. The best offense against ghosts is a strong defense. Ghosts are tied to either a specific place, or a specific purpose, such as killing whoever watches a cursed video tape. In order to avoid being the target of an ectoplasmic attack, follow these simple rules:
-Do not under any circumstances go into any abondoned buildings, old cemeteries, or places were people have been murdered or commited suicide. These places are the breeding grounds for supernatural occurances and entering them will draw the attention of a vengeful spirit.
-Do not call out any cursed names 3 times, especially into a mirror. Trying any of these after hour dares is a sure way to anger an otherwise dormant ghost.
-Do not mock, or make fun of anyone that died on the anniversary of thier death. You might as well be asking for death by doing so.
-Do not handle or otherwise expose yourself to any cursed objects. If a video game supposedly kills you after you play it, then why run the risk of awakening the ghosts in the programing? Put it down and leave it be untill it is proven otherwise.
If you should by accident anger a ghost, try your best to make amends or right whatever wrong that has turned them into a poltrigeise. Examples include burrying thier forgotten corpse, avengeing thier death, bringing thier killer to justice, or letting them see a loved one for the last time. Sadly, if a ghost is intent on killing you, there is very little you can do to stop them, unless you happen to have a photon ray just laying around.
Demons
Aside from the seer destructive ability of giant monsters and aliens, Demons are by far the most dangerous of supernatural creatures running around in the shadows. Not only can Demons kill you, but they can also endanger your very soul, which is far worse that a simple homicide. Much like vampires, Demon have an asernal of other-worldly powers at thier disposal, the depth of which I cannot even scratch the surface of. I will have give you some general guidelines when delaing with Demons.
Firstly, Demon very rarely show thier true form. They often disguise themselves as an average Joe and hide among us. They also can posses weak-willed individuals and use them like a cheap suit to do thier dirty work. Here are some hints that someone may be possesed by a demon or is in fact a demon themself.
-Does the person posses super human strength and dexterity? Can they lift well above a person of thier size normally could? Can they walk backwards on thier hands and feet down the stairs? If you say yes to any of these, chance are that you dealing with a demon and not the word's greatest athlete.
-Does the person have knowledge of places and things he or she has been seen before? Can the person speak additional languages that he or she did not previously know? Are any of these languages ancient ones that haven't been uttered in hundreds of years? Does the person twitch uncontrollably and speak in tongues? If so, you are either dealing a demon or a person with a mental condition of some kind. Either way, its best to steer clear of them for the time being.
-Does the person refer to themselves as plural or in the third-person? Examples include: "We are Legion," "Sarah does not like you." "We will burn this place to the ground!," etc.
If a person you know suffers from any of these ailments there are several steps you need to take for both your safety and thiers. Firstly, restrain the individual immediatly. This will be hard since the person may posses superhuman strength. Try to use the strength in numbers ruetine and overwhelm the person with at least 4 other people helping you. Secondly attempt to contact a Catholic Priest as soon as possible. Again, I don't wish to start a theological debate, but trust me, Catholics have extensive knowledge on exorcising demons. Lastly, if you cannot subdue the person and he or she is starting the shed the blood of the innocent, try this trick: encircle yourself in a circle of salt. Yes, I know this is an old pagan tactic, but you can't argue with results. Go grab that box of Morton's Salt from the kitchen and lay down a layer of protection. It will keep the demon away from you, but wont stop them from killing your friends, so try to avert your eyes.
Finally there is one specific demon that demands additional warning: The Succubus. For those for you not in the know, a succubuss (or incubuss) is a demon that takes the appearance of a beautiful man or woman and attempts to seduce mortals in exchange for thier souls. By no means, I repeat by no means sleep with any sucipious people tonight, no matter how attractive they may seem, especially if they are "out of your league." Eight times out of ten the person is a demon trying to steal your soul by way of sex, the other times its usually just somebody who has had too much to drink. Either way, don't fall for it. If you have to sleep with someone tonight, be sure its somebody you know and trust, especially if its a guy who like but you think is too nice to be a boyfriend.
The Slasher
The last monster on my list is by far the most unrelenting. The Slasher is a type of monster that refers to a specific individual monster. Many of them have innocent sounding names, such as Jason or Freddie, but by no means are they lovable or even friendly for that matter. Each Slasher is kind of a case-by-case basis. Each one will vary on thier specific strengths and weakness, but thier are a few general guidelines that will up your chances of survival.
-Do not split up. If you think you are maybe being stalked by a Slasher, by no means send one member of your group off to investigate or go for help. You may as well slit thier throats yourself. Stay together, stay alive.
-Do not go anywhere where previous Slasher attacks have occured. They always come back for the sequel and the last thing you want is top biling in it. Stick to places you know deranged axe-wielding maniacs aren't.
-If you suspect you are the target of a slaher, do not stop your escape to take a shower, have sex, or remove your clothing for any means. Slashers can somehow pick up on nudity and will come straight for you if your pants are off.
-Do not hide in dark, secluded places if you can help it. Stick to public places. Slashers are less prone to appearing in front of a crowd.
-If you are hosting a party, be sure to lock up your garage or tool shed and keep any potentially deadly tools or weapons safely secured. The last thing you want to supply a madman with a plethora of possible killing tools laying around. Even something as simple as a noise maker can be a deadly weapon in the wrong hands.
-Lastly, if you are still technically a teenager your chances of encountering a slasher are doubled, so if at all possible stick close to home and do not go out if you don't have too. Why risk falling into the hands of a merciless killer just to show how independant you are to your parents? It's not worth it.
So if you follow these basic rules, there is no reason why you can't have a fun and safe All Hallow's Eve. And if are staring down the sights of some creature of the night, give 'em hell for me.
Take out there on Devil's Night.