Hmm, it actually isn't me who has been gung-ho about working Really Hard on the relationship. Or rather, it was more like a year ago but that was rejected and then, I suppose, when it seemed greatly more probable that I would leave suddenly Chris is like "do you want to do counseling? we can do counseling! Whatever!" so I said we could try some relationship building books. Which I have steered towards the "sometimes things don't work out" section instead of the "SAVE THIS RELATIONSHIP AT ANY COST" variety. I was just noting a particular item with them that I don't like with them.
The issue is not the availability of boyfriend materials. Because that gets thrown in my face a lot - I don't really want to be with someone else, or anybody, I just wasn't happy with things. I speak in the past tense because things have improved a little, like Chris is finally working as much or more than I am and has been mostly sticking to a budget, actually doing some chores, etc. So it is coming closer to being "okay, here are some improvements... is this enough?"
Not necessarily with you, but with most relationships -- look at Crowy, etc. I mean, if there aren't children involved and you aren't related to them, I just don't get the... point of saving any stressful relationship. (You don't GET the option to ditch obnoxious special needs children, and of course, I don't think it's morally okay to walk out on elderly/mentally ill relatives. Romantic relationships are the one area where one actually HAS emotional choice!)
Boy/girlfriends just aren't that special, even if you OMG WANT ONE and hate to be alone... buh.
I guess a better comparison would be if the car is a lemon AND you live near really bitchin' public transit. :P
I guess a better comparison would be if the car is a lemon AND you live near really bitchin' public transit.
BWAHAHAHA! That basically describes the ultimate choice of "stay with Dave or ditch him for Mal?" that I went through two years ago. I mean, it's simplistic, but I think from now on I want to use that metaphor. ;)
Seriously, though, I get why people spend time and energy on trying to save a relationship, even if it's crappy. You put seven years (or however many) of your life into a relationship with someone, you remember what it felt like to be in love, and there's this sort of sense of, "But if I could somehow bring back what it was like at the beginning, before we both started being stupid, then I'd be an idiot to end this." The problem is you can't actually go back, so either you work with your partner to build a new relationship on the foundations of the old one, or you admit that it's not worth sticking around based on the past and you leave.
I know it was hard on Dave, but I'm sort of glad that I had my epiphany and then only about two weeks of "Can This Relationship Be Saved?" before I realized that I was damned unhappy, had the opportunity to be happier, and barring the discovery of a time machine there was no way things could be "fixed" (and probably not even then, honestly).
Right now, as I said, it is more like there are some improvements. Are they just tokens? All right, here we are doing the "working on the relationship" gig, is it any better? And it is difficult here, at least I think, because things are okay in general. We get along, we're relatively happy, it isn't like I'm spending every minute being like "oh my god I hate this person."
It is kind of like deciding if the car is a lemon or if the repairs are providing decent returns. There are only so many repairs one does before declaring lemon, but reaching that point takes awhile.
But yeah, it is something that has been weighing heavily on me, the whole concept of "relationships require tons of work and you must LEARN how to be happy with them!" it's like - I didn't have to learn to be happy for the first two years, why do I have to learn now? Are people who do the whole "we're really working on the relationship, it requires a ton of work!" really happier than the people who say 'screw it' and date others? For all the whining about our generation and serial monogamy, is it so bad? A chunk of the 'wait this was really fun and now there is a lot of stress' for me was recognizable changes in our lives, school and settling in versus "whee we're driving around and doing whatever! yay!"
The issue is not the availability of boyfriend materials. Because that gets thrown in my face a lot - I don't really want to be with someone else, or anybody, I just wasn't happy with things. I speak in the past tense because things have improved a little, like Chris is finally working as much or more than I am and has been mostly sticking to a budget, actually doing some chores, etc.
So it is coming closer to being "okay, here are some improvements... is this enough?"
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Boy/girlfriends just aren't that special, even if you OMG WANT ONE and hate to be alone... buh.
I guess a better comparison would be if the car is a lemon AND you live near really bitchin' public transit. :P
Reply
BWAHAHAHA! That basically describes the ultimate choice of "stay with Dave or ditch him for Mal?" that I went through two years ago. I mean, it's simplistic, but I think from now on I want to use that metaphor. ;)
Seriously, though, I get why people spend time and energy on trying to save a relationship, even if it's crappy. You put seven years (or however many) of your life into a relationship with someone, you remember what it felt like to be in love, and there's this sort of sense of, "But if I could somehow bring back what it was like at the beginning, before we both started being stupid, then I'd be an idiot to end this." The problem is you can't actually go back, so either you work with your partner to build a new relationship on the foundations of the old one, or you admit that it's not worth sticking around based on the past and you leave.
I know it was hard on Dave, but I'm sort of glad that I had my epiphany and then only about two weeks of "Can This Relationship Be Saved?" before I realized that I was damned unhappy, had the opportunity to be happier, and barring the discovery of a time machine there was no way things could be "fixed" (and probably not even then, honestly).
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It is kind of like deciding if the car is a lemon or if the repairs are providing decent returns. There are only so many repairs one does before declaring lemon, but reaching that point takes awhile.
But yeah, it is something that has been weighing heavily on me, the whole concept of "relationships require tons of work and you must LEARN how to be happy with them!" it's like - I didn't have to learn to be happy for the first two years, why do I have to learn now? Are people who do the whole "we're really working on the relationship, it requires a ton of work!" really happier than the people who say 'screw it' and date others? For all the whining about our generation and serial monogamy, is it so bad? A chunk of the 'wait this was really fun and now there is a lot of stress' for me was recognizable changes in our lives, school and settling in versus "whee we're driving around and doing whatever! yay!"
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