When I Look To The Sky
I miss her so much more right now.
Watching the support Aaron's friends had, all the people to surround themselves with, it just brought me back to two and a half years ago.
I think after graduation and my 18th birthday, it'll be better.
I think it's just all of the changes going on in my life, I feel like I need her now and want her to be a part of this. I feel like I'm missing my mother, the one who is supposed to give me advice and sit up with me and tell me stories of her life at college and help me pick out a bedspread and matching decorations for my dorm. She would have been perfect for that, no doubt.
I apologize for blowing you off while I was sitting alone.
I needed to calm down, to pray, to talk to her, to just cry and be alone.
I had to tell her I loved her, even if we never said it to one another. I needed to.
I'm sorry, Ginny.
I love you and thank you for trying to help me. I really just wanted to be alone and away from what was going on.
I started thinking about the song, the one by Train/"When I Look To The Sky":
When I look to the sky
Something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
When I feel like I'm lost
Something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way
When you are here
I just wanted to feel the air and look at the sky, find a star, and pretend it was a hole in heaven and she could see me.
I think she can. And I think she knows that I love her. I think Nancee was right at the funeral when she said Sue would hate to see us cry, but we were going to anyway. Sometimes it just eases the pain.
I feel like for the first time in a year I can release the leftover pain that I tried so hard to forget. I didn't want anyone to know that it still hurt. I wanted to exist as I had before she died. I didn't want help or support.
But that's the most important thing. It's okay to want to be alone, but you'd be surprised what someone holding your hand could do for you.
The first time someone hugged me at school after she died I broke down. I've wanted to have that kind of a cry for months now. And now I have had it and it probably won't be the last, but that's okay.
Bear with me, if you will.
It was a really nice thing, though, the candles and the singing tonight.
I hope it helped some people as, in a different sort of way, it helped me.
It's okay to cry.
Love always,
Jillian
Watching the support Aaron's friends had, all the people to surround themselves with, it just brought me back to two and a half years ago.
I think after graduation and my 18th birthday, it'll be better.
I think it's just all of the changes going on in my life, I feel like I need her now and want her to be a part of this. I feel like I'm missing my mother, the one who is supposed to give me advice and sit up with me and tell me stories of her life at college and help me pick out a bedspread and matching decorations for my dorm. She would have been perfect for that, no doubt.
I apologize for blowing you off while I was sitting alone.
I needed to calm down, to pray, to talk to her, to just cry and be alone.
I had to tell her I loved her, even if we never said it to one another. I needed to.
I'm sorry, Ginny.
I love you and thank you for trying to help me. I really just wanted to be alone and away from what was going on.
I started thinking about the song, the one by Train/"When I Look To The Sky":
When I look to the sky
Something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
When I feel like I'm lost
Something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way
When you are here
I just wanted to feel the air and look at the sky, find a star, and pretend it was a hole in heaven and she could see me.
I think she can. And I think she knows that I love her. I think Nancee was right at the funeral when she said Sue would hate to see us cry, but we were going to anyway. Sometimes it just eases the pain.
I feel like for the first time in a year I can release the leftover pain that I tried so hard to forget. I didn't want anyone to know that it still hurt. I wanted to exist as I had before she died. I didn't want help or support.
But that's the most important thing. It's okay to want to be alone, but you'd be surprised what someone holding your hand could do for you.
The first time someone hugged me at school after she died I broke down. I've wanted to have that kind of a cry for months now. And now I have had it and it probably won't be the last, but that's okay.
Bear with me, if you will.
It was a really nice thing, though, the candles and the singing tonight.
I hope it helped some people as, in a different sort of way, it helped me.
It's okay to cry.
Love always,
Jillian