*mutters*
dear evil livejournal,
i do admit that i am very prone to jealousy.. paranoid at best.. and arguments seem natural to me
my boyfriend and i fought for the whole duration of 4 hours.. because i was jealous.. lemme see it started out when he mentioned that the girl that passed us by at the mall ..with gorgeous straight hair ( and with LOTS of make-up on *grumbles*) was an acquaintance of his and had a crush on him (it is implied that she still has the hots for him) so ok this one was like playful jealousy which only received a raised eyebrow in acknowledgement ..but then 10 minutes later while walking we passed by this girl (my assesment of her assets might be a biased .. she was tan.. chubby.. long straight hair (wtf? is this a fetish or something?) then when i happened to glance at him he was *mesmerized* and smiling.. then back at the girl who was also smiling ..and when she has passed us.. his head was still turned towards her and she towards him.. both still smiling .. this incident lead to the declaration of WAR.. and all things went downhill from there...
i cannot help being jealous... i am mildy aware (or not) that what i feel is irrational and foolish ... trust is a must in any relationship ... but damn it to hell.. does he have to stare and gawk at everything with a beaver betweent the legs? coupled with the fact that he likes to mention (every 20 mins or so) that other girls find him attractive and vice versa.. so he cannot help himself (cuz its not his fault that they flirt with him) and to add further insult!! damn it to hell the girls he stares at are generally not that pretty!!!!!!!!! yesh feel the paranoia.. the rage... the green eyed monster rears its ugly head again .. pfft.
maybe im just insecure, possesive ( the fact that i always leave hickeys on him, as a mark saying MINE to anyone who may see testifies to that fact) ive read lots of articles during the past hour saying that i need to control my reactions to the jealousy not the feeling itself.. because being jealous is natural.. its how you react and behave thats not.. yesh yesh i know... when i get angry at him all i do is shut the hell up.. i dont talk..i think its what most people refer to as the silent treatment.. while mentally trying to measure up stuff and preparing my mind for the worst case scenarios .. basically shutting off emotions til i feel numb :) he says i like to escape from my problems rather than talk about it.. so it frustrates him which leads to him prodding me to talk
(example below)
him: if we dont settle this then we better end it.
me: *silent*
him: tell me whats wrong.. in alternating tones..(soothing-threatening)
me: "...." or "nothing is wrong"
him: TELL ME!!
me: you know whats wrong
him: ARG!! then lets talk about it
me: lets just go home .. ok
him: *glare*
I know its my fault.. but maybe he has contributed to my behavior as well.. i think he needs to constantly reassure himself of his attractiveness (the fact that he likes to talk about how people take notice of him has lead to such a conclusion) i specially hate it when he encourages the attention given to him by openly smiling and appreciating/looking at the one giving him attention.. and yesh im right there beside him *mutters more*
this all boils down to my self doubt... the am i not enough for him? am i that easily replaced? does the shithead still love me? questions echo in my head... over and over.. like LSS.
men are visual creatures .. i know.. its natural to appreciate things of beauty... he does reassure me that im the only one he loves.. even though he constantly looks/smiles at others (he admits to it) but i want to bang my head against a wall everytime it happens..
to him i am jealous of every female
to me hes looking at every female
and the result... BIG FIGHT
i have constantly seen men with their girlfriends at their side.. openly stare at other women as if they didnt their beloved 2 inches away... and it makes me sad.. i dont know why.. it just does
i am aware that i lack some assets.. but i am not what you would rate as poor in physical beauty.. playful or submissive to anything in normal circumstances..... only jealousy makes me clam up and brood... but it must be me thats at fault... i must change...
but i dont know how...
i do admit that i am very prone to jealousy.. paranoid at best.. and arguments seem natural to me
my boyfriend and i fought for the whole duration of 4 hours.. because i was jealous.. lemme see it started out when he mentioned that the girl that passed us by at the mall ..with gorgeous straight hair ( and with LOTS of make-up on *grumbles*) was an acquaintance of his and had a crush on him (it is implied that she still has the hots for him) so ok this one was like playful jealousy which only received a raised eyebrow in acknowledgement ..but then 10 minutes later while walking we passed by this girl (my assesment of her assets might be a biased .. she was tan.. chubby.. long straight hair (wtf? is this a fetish or something?) then when i happened to glance at him he was *mesmerized* and smiling.. then back at the girl who was also smiling ..and when she has passed us.. his head was still turned towards her and she towards him.. both still smiling .. this incident lead to the declaration of WAR.. and all things went downhill from there...
i cannot help being jealous... i am mildy aware (or not) that what i feel is irrational and foolish ... trust is a must in any relationship ... but damn it to hell.. does he have to stare and gawk at everything with a beaver betweent the legs? coupled with the fact that he likes to mention (every 20 mins or so) that other girls find him attractive and vice versa.. so he cannot help himself (cuz its not his fault that they flirt with him) and to add further insult!! damn it to hell the girls he stares at are generally not that pretty!!!!!!!!! yesh feel the paranoia.. the rage... the green eyed monster rears its ugly head again .. pfft.
maybe im just insecure, possesive ( the fact that i always leave hickeys on him, as a mark saying MINE to anyone who may see testifies to that fact) ive read lots of articles during the past hour saying that i need to control my reactions to the jealousy not the feeling itself.. because being jealous is natural.. its how you react and behave thats not.. yesh yesh i know... when i get angry at him all i do is shut the hell up.. i dont talk..i think its what most people refer to as the silent treatment.. while mentally trying to measure up stuff and preparing my mind for the worst case scenarios .. basically shutting off emotions til i feel numb :) he says i like to escape from my problems rather than talk about it.. so it frustrates him which leads to him prodding me to talk
(example below)
him: if we dont settle this then we better end it.
me: *silent*
him: tell me whats wrong.. in alternating tones..(soothing-threatening)
me: "...." or "nothing is wrong"
him: TELL ME!!
me: you know whats wrong
him: ARG!! then lets talk about it
me: lets just go home .. ok
him: *glare*
I know its my fault.. but maybe he has contributed to my behavior as well.. i think he needs to constantly reassure himself of his attractiveness (the fact that he likes to talk about how people take notice of him has lead to such a conclusion) i specially hate it when he encourages the attention given to him by openly smiling and appreciating/looking at the one giving him attention.. and yesh im right there beside him *mutters more*
this all boils down to my self doubt... the am i not enough for him? am i that easily replaced? does the shithead still love me? questions echo in my head... over and over.. like LSS.
men are visual creatures .. i know.. its natural to appreciate things of beauty... he does reassure me that im the only one he loves.. even though he constantly looks/smiles at others (he admits to it) but i want to bang my head against a wall everytime it happens..
to him i am jealous of every female
to me hes looking at every female
and the result... BIG FIGHT
i have constantly seen men with their girlfriends at their side.. openly stare at other women as if they didnt their beloved 2 inches away... and it makes me sad.. i dont know why.. it just does
i am aware that i lack some assets.. but i am not what you would rate as poor in physical beauty.. playful or submissive to anything in normal circumstances..... only jealousy makes me clam up and brood... but it must be me thats at fault... i must change...
but i dont know how...