6 Weeks to go
In about six weeks I'm going to be a mom. That is the scariest and most exciting thing to think about. Ever since I was a little girl all I wanted out of life was to find the man God made for me and to start our family. For my whole life I have felt older than my real age, I tended to get along really well with people older than me and a lot of times I found people my own age to be extremely immature except for the friends that I cherished dearly. I felt like life couldn't speed up enough so that maybe my age would catch up to how I felt inside, and now for the first time in my life I feel younger than what I am. I feel like I am still a child and here I will be welcoming my own child into the world. I will be responsible for keeping another life alive other than my own. I only want the best for him, but I have no clue as to what to do when you isn't feeling right, when to start feeding him baby food and not just breast milk, when to start him on solid food, when should he start to crawl and to walk, and what if I can't tell his cries apart. What if I am never able to tell if he is trying to tell me he is hungry or tired or needs to be changed or if he's gassy. What if I turn out to be a horrible mother who just doesn't have that natural instinct we're all told that we have. What if I lose it and my depression comes back and then Brian ends up having to take care of both of us because I won't get out of bed?! I'm so scared of all the things that could go wrong, the things that I could screw up, I'm still scared to even hold other peoples babies!! I'm the one who kept pushing for us to start a family and I was so excited when Brian said he was ready for us to try, but a big part of me wishes he would of kept to his promise of us needing to wait three years or until I went back to college and finish getting my degree, or even that it would have taken us longer than a freaking week to get pregnant, the average is supposed to be 8 months to get pregnancy when you're trying, not a week if it even took that long. My heart was ready for a baby but mentally I wasn't. Now I have six more weeks left to get myself prepared, to read everything I can on the things that I don't know, to find a pediatrician and to finish his room. I pray that God helps to guide me and to help make me a wonderful mother to Colin and how ever many more children we might decide to have.