Foretold Fortunes Highway: The Interwebs - Story 2.3 Oct. 15th 2006
Title: Foretold Fortunes
Fandom: RPS
Characters: Alan Davies and Robert Sean Leonard
Authors: Michelleann68 + evila_elf = evila_ann
Prompt: 81: Tarot coclaim100
Word Count: 860
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Alan thinks about what next and encounters a strange woman at the market.
Author's Notes: This is one of the artifacts as the boys try to see what to do next.
Previous part
Big table of prompts is here
Order of the story is here
Journal entry - Alan Davies - Oct. 15th 2006
I neglect you so often, but I still need you. You are always here to collect ideas and hold them hostage for me; it would be tragic to lose them. The world runs at 100 miles an hour lately and I have no idea at times if I remember how to breathe. Too many things, too many emotions. Spilling them onto paper is not generally my thing. But at this point, the paper is all I can trust.
Everything with Robert is so contrary to what I have been about. I have never been so serious about someone that I think of changing bits of myself, but the one night, and then the e-mails after, have drawn me into a web that I don’t want to escape. He gets me, he gets what I am about more then anyone else ever has. I am not a rung in a career ladder and I am not a pet to be drug along, I am an equal and that certainly feels good. I question how I could fall for an American, a classically trained actor who knows not the first thing about football and has not a care to ever understand it, but it’s no matter to me, I don’t care, I just crave his voice, his reassurance and his attention.
I have really started to question my sanity. I wait for his e-mails and I want to get him into an IM conversation, or even a phone call. He has been playing the shy ingénue and I feel like the dapper suitor. I think that I love him and I want to feel this way, but it scares me. How far will I go to keep us together, oh hell… we are not even a proper couple. A blow job, some groping, and half a dozen e-mails do not make a relationship, and here I am practically picking out silver. I like to listen to him, exchange e-mails and ideas. He is easy to talk to and he seems to have a real interest in what and who I am. I know that I will never know what this is until we share the same space again, till we can kiss with this new knowledge of each other. Then I guess I will know if this is all set dressing or the real thing.
I am stuck on this today because of something that happened to reassure me and freak me out at the same time. Today I went to the market to get my vegs and I was walking along minding my own business, thinking about the last e-mail Robert sent when this woman grabbed my hand. Not that I get grabbed like that often, but sometimes an overzealous fan will take a grab at me. So I did not try to shake the grip loose immediately. I looked up and the intensity in her eyes stopped me cold.
She laughed at my reaction and gripped my hand harder and I could not get free if I had wanted to. With a cool and detached voice she said, “Stop doubting, you know what it is that you want and it is what you need. Your doubt will destroy what is true love, just have faith.” Then she let go and turned away, blending into the market crowds. I couldn’t move. Her words bounced around in my head and I had no idea how to deal with what she had told me.
I left without finishing my shopping and went to the park. I had to think, my head was spinning. There is no way it’s that easy- no way that love can just fall into your lap when you aren’t looking for it. How could she know about Robert? How could she know that I was struggling with this? Yet she did and those were the words that I needed to hear. After some thought, I found that they were surprisingly reassuring.
I need to trust and have faith, two things that have always been difficult for me to do. I have had both abused. I have been cut to the quick by those I have loved the most and I want to believe that Robert is different. I am having trouble letting go of past transgressions. Part of me keeps the pain as a badge of what can go wrong and that keeps part of me distant. If I love Robert, will I be able to love him and not carry the fear? I guess that is the question I need to answer. Do I really love him or is all of this just a lark, and a distraction? Am I being foolish?
This makes me fucking morose. I need to make some decisions and I know that until I see him and can look him in the eyes, I will have no idea if this is real or not. The holidays are coming up, but I don’t think he is ready to accept any of this. I think he is just going through the motions. I need to find a way to force him to make some choices. I guess I have my decision made, now I need to follow through.
Next part
Fandom: RPS
Characters: Alan Davies and Robert Sean Leonard
Authors: Michelleann68 + evila_elf = evila_ann
Prompt: 81: Tarot coclaim100
Word Count: 860
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Alan thinks about what next and encounters a strange woman at the market.
Author's Notes: This is one of the artifacts as the boys try to see what to do next.
Previous part
Big table of prompts is here
Order of the story is here
Journal entry - Alan Davies - Oct. 15th 2006
I neglect you so often, but I still need you. You are always here to collect ideas and hold them hostage for me; it would be tragic to lose them. The world runs at 100 miles an hour lately and I have no idea at times if I remember how to breathe. Too many things, too many emotions. Spilling them onto paper is not generally my thing. But at this point, the paper is all I can trust.
Everything with Robert is so contrary to what I have been about. I have never been so serious about someone that I think of changing bits of myself, but the one night, and then the e-mails after, have drawn me into a web that I don’t want to escape. He gets me, he gets what I am about more then anyone else ever has. I am not a rung in a career ladder and I am not a pet to be drug along, I am an equal and that certainly feels good. I question how I could fall for an American, a classically trained actor who knows not the first thing about football and has not a care to ever understand it, but it’s no matter to me, I don’t care, I just crave his voice, his reassurance and his attention.
I have really started to question my sanity. I wait for his e-mails and I want to get him into an IM conversation, or even a phone call. He has been playing the shy ingénue and I feel like the dapper suitor. I think that I love him and I want to feel this way, but it scares me. How far will I go to keep us together, oh hell… we are not even a proper couple. A blow job, some groping, and half a dozen e-mails do not make a relationship, and here I am practically picking out silver. I like to listen to him, exchange e-mails and ideas. He is easy to talk to and he seems to have a real interest in what and who I am. I know that I will never know what this is until we share the same space again, till we can kiss with this new knowledge of each other. Then I guess I will know if this is all set dressing or the real thing.
I am stuck on this today because of something that happened to reassure me and freak me out at the same time. Today I went to the market to get my vegs and I was walking along minding my own business, thinking about the last e-mail Robert sent when this woman grabbed my hand. Not that I get grabbed like that often, but sometimes an overzealous fan will take a grab at me. So I did not try to shake the grip loose immediately. I looked up and the intensity in her eyes stopped me cold.
She laughed at my reaction and gripped my hand harder and I could not get free if I had wanted to. With a cool and detached voice she said, “Stop doubting, you know what it is that you want and it is what you need. Your doubt will destroy what is true love, just have faith.” Then she let go and turned away, blending into the market crowds. I couldn’t move. Her words bounced around in my head and I had no idea how to deal with what she had told me.
I left without finishing my shopping and went to the park. I had to think, my head was spinning. There is no way it’s that easy- no way that love can just fall into your lap when you aren’t looking for it. How could she know about Robert? How could she know that I was struggling with this? Yet she did and those were the words that I needed to hear. After some thought, I found that they were surprisingly reassuring.
I need to trust and have faith, two things that have always been difficult for me to do. I have had both abused. I have been cut to the quick by those I have loved the most and I want to believe that Robert is different. I am having trouble letting go of past transgressions. Part of me keeps the pain as a badge of what can go wrong and that keeps part of me distant. If I love Robert, will I be able to love him and not carry the fear? I guess that is the question I need to answer. Do I really love him or is all of this just a lark, and a distraction? Am I being foolish?
This makes me fucking morose. I need to make some decisions and I know that until I see him and can look him in the eyes, I will have no idea if this is real or not. The holidays are coming up, but I don’t think he is ready to accept any of this. I think he is just going through the motions. I need to find a way to force him to make some choices. I guess I have my decision made, now I need to follow through.
Next part