Doubts 6.8
Title: Doubts
Fandom: RPS
Story: Highway: Asynchronous Communication 6.8
Characters: Alan Davies and Robert Sean Leonard
Authors: michelleann68 + evila_elf = evila_ann
Prompt: coclaim 28 Unbound
Word Count: 1158
Rating: PG
Summary: Alan desperately wants to know where Robert stands.
Authors’ Notes:
Where it all began:
Big table of prompts is here:
Order of the story is here:
Previous story:
Telling the Family
April 30th 2007
Life is crazy sometimes. I have learned to roll with it a little. I had to or get crushed. But so much of my life is out of my control, or so it seems. I move from job to job, feeling like I have no say in what is asked of me, spewing out words that someone else wrote. I feel no attachment to them and I don’t know what I want to do anymore. I need to give myself time to figure out what I need, to walk away for a bit and experience life again. But I am scared. Last night I spoke with Robert and he was no help. He is happy and is freed by acting out emotions that aren’t his and saying other people’s words. I am choked by it. He wants me to do what I need to do to be happy, but I feel things are all moving too fast to give me the freedom to do that. I need to hop off this treadmill I have been on and find my creative passion again.
Spoke to Angie yesterday and told her that, unless something came along that was absolutely the mutt’s nuts, I am committing myself to taking some time off to find my lost muse and rediscover my writing. So once Robert returns to LA after his visit, I might head to Italy or Spain to get my head right; I am just not happy professionally right now.
I doubt that Robert will care if I take some time off. As much as I enjoy that freedom, I sometimes wonder how committed he is. I guess I won’t know until House is over, if we last that long. It’s not that I doubt him or what we are creating. I worry that, when it comes to reel in or cut bait, that he will cut bait and just leave.
I am still not convinced that he can commit to anyone, much less a bloke. Together we have this beautiful space that we reside. Outside forces will be determined to force us apart, but have not yet been an issue. Julia and I were bombarded by the outside, although not necessarily the reason we split up. It had certainly degraded the relationship to the point that we could not salvage anything. I don’t blame the media for the breakdown of that relationship, but the pressure applied crushed any chance we had to try to make it work.
It has been nearly a year and I really want something more from Robert. Sometimes I catch a distant look in his eye and I wonder if he has doubts about us. I am trying to be patient with this extraordinary slow pace, let him build some trust, but I need something that lets me know he wants to see this through to something more than shags and snogs.
I guess that last trip should be enough to set my mind at ease…what sort of guy would drop everything and fly out to play nursemaid? But I got the feeling that he felt like he should be here taking care of me, not necessarily that he wanted to be. Was he this way with Gabby? I just can’t tell. This summer will hopefully answer the questions that distance prevents. I love him and want to build a life with him, but right now my doubts hold me back. He does not have the best track record. Sure, one person in 11 years, but he never jumped blindly into the big relationship pool, he just used her as an excuse to not to figure out what he wanted. He told me that, over time, he took his eyes off the relationship and put it in cruise control, finding reason upon reason not to marry Gabby. I don’t want to be in that same position. Not that I want a ring, but we both need to make sacrifices to make this work. I wonder what excuse he has for me.
If he asked me to move to LA today, I would find a way to make it work. But I know this is just a dream, a fantasy, something that will never happen. So we sit at a stalemate, neither of us willing to take the next step. It is not all dire, the ways and reasons that I love him, want him in my life, stretch far and wide. He is kind, gentle, and caring. He is open-minded and has a quick wit. His eyes are full of wisdom. We can sit for hours in silence and find comfort with unspoken words in those moments. When he is here with me there are times when I see something inside him that warms me to the core. I want to make it, but it is the Robertness that keeps me here, wanting more. I guess I had crossed a threshold at some point that has me seeking and desiring a committed relationship. And then I fall for a person who seems to be inherently a commitment phobic and I want to understand why he has so much fear, but I just have to get past his defenses. He keeps me out but I keep trying.
I need him to meet me halfway. It is not that I doubt he cares, but there is this part of him that I see from time to time; a sensitive spot he protects, somehow worried that anyone will leave him at any moment, and that is the part I worry will keep him at arm’s length. I wish there were a way to convince him that I am trustworthy and I will not leave at a moment’s notice. That is where he is broken and needs to fix himself, which is one of the things that too many years in therapy has taught me. I need him to not just believe in us, but be willing to fight for us and take a chance on us.
It is hard enough to find love, but to be able to find it with all the bullshit that society imposes on who is right or wrong for us to love, it should be praised as a miracle that we’ve found it. The problem is that we both bring baggage with us. I have all mine accounted for, and I know what parts of me need healing. Robert tries to hide his so that I might not notice, but I do.
In four weeks he will be here and things will be crazy for a little while at least. He needs to figure this out and we both need take a stand. It will be one year since Vegas, when my world was flipped around, and we have had enough time to decide once and for all.
I know where I stand. I just want to know where I stand in his life.
6.9 Making Arrangements
Fandom: RPS
Story: Highway: Asynchronous Communication 6.8
Characters: Alan Davies and Robert Sean Leonard
Authors: michelleann68 + evila_elf = evila_ann
Prompt: coclaim 28 Unbound
Word Count: 1158
Rating: PG
Summary: Alan desperately wants to know where Robert stands.
Authors’ Notes:
Where it all began:
Big table of prompts is here:
Order of the story is here:
Previous story:
Telling the Family
April 30th 2007
Life is crazy sometimes. I have learned to roll with it a little. I had to or get crushed. But so much of my life is out of my control, or so it seems. I move from job to job, feeling like I have no say in what is asked of me, spewing out words that someone else wrote. I feel no attachment to them and I don’t know what I want to do anymore. I need to give myself time to figure out what I need, to walk away for a bit and experience life again. But I am scared. Last night I spoke with Robert and he was no help. He is happy and is freed by acting out emotions that aren’t his and saying other people’s words. I am choked by it. He wants me to do what I need to do to be happy, but I feel things are all moving too fast to give me the freedom to do that. I need to hop off this treadmill I have been on and find my creative passion again.
Spoke to Angie yesterday and told her that, unless something came along that was absolutely the mutt’s nuts, I am committing myself to taking some time off to find my lost muse and rediscover my writing. So once Robert returns to LA after his visit, I might head to Italy or Spain to get my head right; I am just not happy professionally right now.
I doubt that Robert will care if I take some time off. As much as I enjoy that freedom, I sometimes wonder how committed he is. I guess I won’t know until House is over, if we last that long. It’s not that I doubt him or what we are creating. I worry that, when it comes to reel in or cut bait, that he will cut bait and just leave.
I am still not convinced that he can commit to anyone, much less a bloke. Together we have this beautiful space that we reside. Outside forces will be determined to force us apart, but have not yet been an issue. Julia and I were bombarded by the outside, although not necessarily the reason we split up. It had certainly degraded the relationship to the point that we could not salvage anything. I don’t blame the media for the breakdown of that relationship, but the pressure applied crushed any chance we had to try to make it work.
It has been nearly a year and I really want something more from Robert. Sometimes I catch a distant look in his eye and I wonder if he has doubts about us. I am trying to be patient with this extraordinary slow pace, let him build some trust, but I need something that lets me know he wants to see this through to something more than shags and snogs.
I guess that last trip should be enough to set my mind at ease…what sort of guy would drop everything and fly out to play nursemaid? But I got the feeling that he felt like he should be here taking care of me, not necessarily that he wanted to be. Was he this way with Gabby? I just can’t tell. This summer will hopefully answer the questions that distance prevents. I love him and want to build a life with him, but right now my doubts hold me back. He does not have the best track record. Sure, one person in 11 years, but he never jumped blindly into the big relationship pool, he just used her as an excuse to not to figure out what he wanted. He told me that, over time, he took his eyes off the relationship and put it in cruise control, finding reason upon reason not to marry Gabby. I don’t want to be in that same position. Not that I want a ring, but we both need to make sacrifices to make this work. I wonder what excuse he has for me.
If he asked me to move to LA today, I would find a way to make it work. But I know this is just a dream, a fantasy, something that will never happen. So we sit at a stalemate, neither of us willing to take the next step. It is not all dire, the ways and reasons that I love him, want him in my life, stretch far and wide. He is kind, gentle, and caring. He is open-minded and has a quick wit. His eyes are full of wisdom. We can sit for hours in silence and find comfort with unspoken words in those moments. When he is here with me there are times when I see something inside him that warms me to the core. I want to make it, but it is the Robertness that keeps me here, wanting more. I guess I had crossed a threshold at some point that has me seeking and desiring a committed relationship. And then I fall for a person who seems to be inherently a commitment phobic and I want to understand why he has so much fear, but I just have to get past his defenses. He keeps me out but I keep trying.
I need him to meet me halfway. It is not that I doubt he cares, but there is this part of him that I see from time to time; a sensitive spot he protects, somehow worried that anyone will leave him at any moment, and that is the part I worry will keep him at arm’s length. I wish there were a way to convince him that I am trustworthy and I will not leave at a moment’s notice. That is where he is broken and needs to fix himself, which is one of the things that too many years in therapy has taught me. I need him to not just believe in us, but be willing to fight for us and take a chance on us.
It is hard enough to find love, but to be able to find it with all the bullshit that society imposes on who is right or wrong for us to love, it should be praised as a miracle that we’ve found it. The problem is that we both bring baggage with us. I have all mine accounted for, and I know what parts of me need healing. Robert tries to hide his so that I might not notice, but I do.
In four weeks he will be here and things will be crazy for a little while at least. He needs to figure this out and we both need take a stand. It will be one year since Vegas, when my world was flipped around, and we have had enough time to decide once and for all.
I know where I stand. I just want to know where I stand in his life.
6.9 Making Arrangements