I Am Not A Merry Man
Since I left
Starbase 668, I have been attempting through meditation and concentration to ascertain exactly what happened between myself and
Ryan Vincent. Actually, I have some idea what happened - although the memories are still not completely clear due to the amount of alcohol imbided - what I really mean is … how did that happen? I remember just enough to know that my participation in these sexual acts was both active and enthusiastic, so I certainly cannot find any refuge in theories that I was somehow "taken advantage of" by Mister Vincent. Still, it should not have even been possible - pon farr is an urge to reproduce, not simply the "urge to merge" that humans claim to suffer from. And a man cannot reproduce with another man…
Actually, that is not, strictly speaking, true, since
Storvik and I did produce our daughter
T'Sorvik together. We were not both male at the time of the conception, however, nor were we in control of our facilities. The extendenafil drug created by
Mib Khan and employed against us by
Not So Nice Khan created a madness that was similar to, but not exactly like, standard Vulcan pon farr. The latter can be resisted, at least for a time, with mental discipline; while the former is irresistable and does not distinguish between reproduction and simple sexual coupling. Storvik once confided in me that the first time he and his wife T'Vit had congress, they were both under the influence of extendenafil and, thanks to Storvik being infected with Khan's TGMR, they were both in female form.
It is true that Vulcans can choose to have (or, more often than not, NOT to have) any variety of sexual activity (and there are those, like Ambassador Spock's brother Sybok, who indulge in their emotions and all of the associated chaos which accompanies emotions); however pon farr is not a conscious choice, it is hormonally driven. Perhaps, given what my hormones have been through (both multiple sex changes and a pregnancy), it is not be too surprising that the system has gotten … confused.
It is not because of any societal revulsion or discrimination against homosexuality that I am so concerned over my own actions - in fact, such practices appear to be more widespread in the
Imperial Fleet than they are in the Federation Star Fleet (notwithstanding the fact that the Federation claims a greater devotion to nebulous concepts such as "tolerance" and "diversity"). The issue at hand here is not that "there is anything wrong with that" per se; the problem is that I lost control and behaved in an unpredictable manner, a manner which I am still as of yet unable to explain. (I have a theory, but that is not the same thing as an explanation. I am undecided as to whether or not I should seek the counsel of Doctor Khan, in establishing whether or not his "treatments" are to blame.)
On my homeworld, and later as an officer in the
Imperial Fleet, I was trained and conditioned to never reveal any flaws, weaknesses, or vulnerabilities at any time; and to above all other things maintain total control of myself. My reactions and responses should at all times be logical and under my control. I should be able to depend upon myself in all things. But now, I have a serious concern - that this might be just the "tip of the iceberg", and that there may be other things "wrong" with me that I will be unable to predict or prevent. That I might do the wrong thing at the wrong time at some point in the future with catastrophic results. That my body and mind are no longer the well-oiled machine that they are supposed to be. I can no longer trust myself to behave in the way that I am "supposed" to behave.