(no subject)
I don't even know when the last time I wrote was. My stress levels have been through the roof, but at this point I feel like that's nothing new. I don't know if I expected that to change when I moved, but if I did then I was a fucking idiot. Of course it wouldn't change if my main source of stress came with me.
Every day I get up early and sit downstairs. I get my glass of whatever I feel like drinking, make something for breakfast and watch TV while also crocheting or playing animal crossing. It's my me time while everyone is still asleep. It's the only part of the day I really enjoy, which honestly is sad. The very moment my mom wakes up, I'm stressed. I hear her first sigh of the hundreds that will come throughout the day, and I'm exhausted. She finally comes downstairs, and all she does is complain. She never has a conversation. Everything that comes out of her mouth is some kind of complaint. She's always bitching about something, and if there's nothing then she'll find something whether it's something that happened a few days ago to even something that happened a year ago. Grandma is gone so she can't be a target, so she literally targets the cat. He can't do anything right without getting yelled at, yet she wonders why she's the only one he doesn't spend time with. Because you're always yelling at him and you hit him and threaten to throw him outside. Even he is exhausted.
At my age I shouldn't have to be complaining about this. I shouldn't have to live with my mother. My older sister is married and has a baby and my younger sister has a boyfriend she'll eventually move in with. I'm the only one who is forced to stay with her. I'm told I can find someone or do something with my life, but remember the last time I went out with a boy and she screamed at me for it and said I was ruining our plans? I'm not allowed to have a social life. I'm not allowed to find a guy (and certainly not a girl because then I'd be outed, which I don't want because both of my parents are homophobic). The only reason she won't let me go off on my own is because she needs me to help with rent and bills. And yes, I can't afford anything on my own either, but that's not the point. The point is that I've never even been given a chance to have any kind of life. I gave up my teens and twenties to take care of grandma, and the rest of my life will be given up to my mom.
There's been so many times when I've cried because I'm painfully aware of the fact my life doesn't belong to me and there's nothing I can do about it. Financially I can't afford anything and because of my mental health I'm unable to work and make more money. I don't drive so I can't get anywhere, and even if I was to get my license, I can't afford to buy a car nor will my dad help me find one like he does for my sister. It'd literally kill him to help the one daughter that doesn't bother him. I can't even try to finally go to college due to transportation but also because I'm always discouraged. Any time I say I want to do something, it's always met with a "you can't do that" and it's not in the way where it's I'm not allowed. It's in the way that I'm incapable of doing so because I'm too little. When I call anyone out for it, they all point fingers at each other and swear they never said it when it fact they all have. I wish I had an encouraging family instead of the toxic af shit family I do have.
There's so much I want to complain about but simply can't find the words. I can't stand complaining because it's all I hear, but there's just been so much stress that I can't take it. I have no life and what I do have doesn't belong to me. When I started writing here back in 2006, I didn't think my adult life would end up like this. I had hopes of being a photographer that traveled the world and hopes of becoming an author who had her own home where she could sit comfortably and write in a room that felt just right. I can't even write anymore because my life is so stifled and because I just have so much stress that I'm drained and my brain just doesn't want to work. It's too tired.
Even now I want to go to sleep, and that's probably what I'll do because being asleep is so much better than being awake and dealing with everyone.