Season's Beatings
So Christmas time is here.
And it is about time.
Finally, I can put "Plan Alpha Gamma Fuck You" into action.
You see, I have made a list. And I have checked it twice.
And the time has come.
Look at him.
What a creepy old pervert.
With a sock fetish.
And what the fuck is that in the bag?!?!? A little dog?? Fuck you, creepy!
You break into the house in the middle of the night!
You eat any food you find lying around!
You leave shit lying on the floor!
And you never, ever bring enough presents for little dogs! You fuckbake!
Your reign of terror will fucking end!!
To this purpose I have assembled a crack team of professionals to take the bastard down.
I present to you:
The Deadly Canine Assassination Squad
or if you prefer,
Peaches 11
Otto
Codename: Supercute
Specialty: Intel
Hattie
Codename: The Devil
Specialty: Knives
Bruno
Codename: Bullet Train
Specialty: Blunt Objects
Jupiter
Codename: The Ham
Specialty: Recon & Tunneling
Benjamin Bunny
Codename: Spice Weasel
Specialty: Explosives & Demolition
Fudge
Codename: Count Chocula
Specialty: Explosives & Demolition
Alexandra
Codename: Feeding Frenzy
Specialty: Stealth Maneuvers
Moz
Codename: Squeaky Wheel
Specialty: Search & Rescue
Jake
Codename: Sensei
Specialty: Jedi Mind Trick
Sydney
Codename: Mister Puppy
Specialty: Martial Arts
Peaches
Codename: Princess Littlefeet
Specialty: Evil & Small Arms
Peaches 11 is going all out this time.
Cowtrops on the roof. High tech chimney bomb.
Machine gun nest in the holly bush.
Tranq gun for the reindeer.
And wait till the big red bastard gets a knife under the knee cap and a fang in the eye!
I'LL TELL *YOU* WHOSE BEEN NAUGHTY OR NICE, FUCK-O!
Also, I have implemented a reward system: anyone who captures a fucking elf alive gets a bonus to their already substantial ham ration, and commemorative plaque.
"But Peaches!" you say, "Santa is a Christmas miracle! He is the joy of children everywhere! And besides, he could come to your house at any time in the night! You can't possibly stay up all night and wait for him! You're just a little dog!"
To that I say: FUCK YOU WITH A FESTIVE YULE LOG!
We have a satellite tracking system that you could not possibly understand, you mouth breathing shit heap.
And besides, chihuahuas do not sleep. They wait.
So have a happy fucking holiday while you can.
Keep drinking Egg Nog like you're an old whore in a Bukkake Movie.
And may you choke on a dick shaped fruitcake.
- Peaches
And it is about time.
Finally, I can put "Plan Alpha Gamma Fuck You" into action.
You see, I have made a list. And I have checked it twice.
And the time has come.
Look at him.
What a creepy old pervert.
With a sock fetish.
And what the fuck is that in the bag?!?!? A little dog?? Fuck you, creepy!
You break into the house in the middle of the night!
You eat any food you find lying around!
You leave shit lying on the floor!
And you never, ever bring enough presents for little dogs! You fuckbake!
Your reign of terror will fucking end!!
To this purpose I have assembled a crack team of professionals to take the bastard down.
I present to you:
The Deadly Canine Assassination Squad
or if you prefer,
Peaches 11
Otto
Codename: Supercute
Specialty: Intel
Hattie
Codename: The Devil
Specialty: Knives
Bruno
Codename: Bullet Train
Specialty: Blunt Objects
Jupiter
Codename: The Ham
Specialty: Recon & Tunneling
Benjamin Bunny
Codename: Spice Weasel
Specialty: Explosives & Demolition
Fudge
Codename: Count Chocula
Specialty: Explosives & Demolition
Alexandra
Codename: Feeding Frenzy
Specialty: Stealth Maneuvers
Moz
Codename: Squeaky Wheel
Specialty: Search & Rescue
Jake
Codename: Sensei
Specialty: Jedi Mind Trick
Sydney
Codename: Mister Puppy
Specialty: Martial Arts
Peaches
Codename: Princess Littlefeet
Specialty: Evil & Small Arms
Peaches 11 is going all out this time.
Cowtrops on the roof. High tech chimney bomb.
Machine gun nest in the holly bush.
Tranq gun for the reindeer.
And wait till the big red bastard gets a knife under the knee cap and a fang in the eye!
I'LL TELL *YOU* WHOSE BEEN NAUGHTY OR NICE, FUCK-O!
Also, I have implemented a reward system: anyone who captures a fucking elf alive gets a bonus to their already substantial ham ration, and commemorative plaque.
"But Peaches!" you say, "Santa is a Christmas miracle! He is the joy of children everywhere! And besides, he could come to your house at any time in the night! You can't possibly stay up all night and wait for him! You're just a little dog!"
To that I say: FUCK YOU WITH A FESTIVE YULE LOG!
We have a satellite tracking system that you could not possibly understand, you mouth breathing shit heap.
And besides, chihuahuas do not sleep. They wait.
So have a happy fucking holiday while you can.
Keep drinking Egg Nog like you're an old whore in a Bukkake Movie.
And may you choke on a dick shaped fruitcake.
- Peaches