what hurts the most isn't losing your lover, it losing your lover who was also your BEST FRIEND.
wow. well that was BEYOND what i wanted to do this morning. got back not long ago from dropping off tony's shit. it's kinda funny though.. he could have just had me drop his shit off on the porch like he did w/mine. but he.. what? wanted me to see her car in his garage? wanted me to get pissed off? wanted me to try something? act desperate? too bad. i WAS pissed, but only because he still wont give me an explanation as to why he felt the need to tell me he loved me, that things where getting better, then less than a week later he acts as if i'm just some annoying desperate little bitch. ha. as if. or.. maybe the reason he wanted me to give it to him is so he could see me. whatever. now i'm just in a kinda foul mood. he really turns my stomache. and no i'm not talking in the cutesy butterfly kinda way that he used to, i'm talking the i want to be sick because he more or less just discusts me now.
i think it was funny how he looked through the box before he took it inside.. maybe he was scared that there were things in there that he didnt want her to see? doesn't really matter anyhow. well anyways, i put his "an explanation! don't forget that i'll always love you" cd in there as well [it had songs like heaven by dj sammy aka our song, truly madly deeply by savage garden, and OF COURSE.. nothing else matters by matallica aka what was going to be OUR FUCKING WEDDING SONG!!] so anyways.. i put that cd in the box as well and he finds it, looks at it, looks at me then is all "you don't want this?" wow. you've got to be kidding me right? so i was all "no. what do i need it for? lot of good it did me." so then he looked at it for a few more seconds then finally tossed it in the garbage.
all in all, i think i know why i can't get a real explanation from him about any of this. why every thing was always so back and forth. i think [but maybe i'm just over estimating him?] that it's because there is no explanation why. he knows he loves me, he knows this isn't what he wants. he knows that once again he's making a huge mistake. and sooner or latter he will allow himself to admit that to himself. i think that this new "love" is just him using a girl that will let him live w/her for cheap so that he can stay up there in the area for work. he wants a convienent hole to fuck, someone who wont ask questions. someone who is there whenever he wants them to be to give him all the attention that he demands. someone he isn't as attached to, so he wont have to worry about losing them or being hurt. i think that he enjoys hurting himself by hurting the people that he truly does love. i think that he doesn't feel like he deserves to be loved, or to have someone that loved him and treated him as great as i did. i think this is all a repeat of when we dated in high school. one day he will get sick of her and throw her away like he did to me, and all the others.
all i can say is if that's how he wants to be, then thank the goddess that poisoned snake is out of my life.
i think it was funny how he looked through the box before he took it inside.. maybe he was scared that there were things in there that he didnt want her to see? doesn't really matter anyhow. well anyways, i put his "an explanation! don't forget that i'll always love you" cd in there as well [it had songs like heaven by dj sammy aka our song, truly madly deeply by savage garden, and OF COURSE.. nothing else matters by matallica aka what was going to be OUR FUCKING WEDDING SONG!!] so anyways.. i put that cd in the box as well and he finds it, looks at it, looks at me then is all "you don't want this?" wow. you've got to be kidding me right? so i was all "no. what do i need it for? lot of good it did me." so then he looked at it for a few more seconds then finally tossed it in the garbage.
all in all, i think i know why i can't get a real explanation from him about any of this. why every thing was always so back and forth. i think [but maybe i'm just over estimating him?] that it's because there is no explanation why. he knows he loves me, he knows this isn't what he wants. he knows that once again he's making a huge mistake. and sooner or latter he will allow himself to admit that to himself. i think that this new "love" is just him using a girl that will let him live w/her for cheap so that he can stay up there in the area for work. he wants a convienent hole to fuck, someone who wont ask questions. someone who is there whenever he wants them to be to give him all the attention that he demands. someone he isn't as attached to, so he wont have to worry about losing them or being hurt. i think that he enjoys hurting himself by hurting the people that he truly does love. i think that he doesn't feel like he deserves to be loved, or to have someone that loved him and treated him as great as i did. i think this is all a repeat of when we dated in high school. one day he will get sick of her and throw her away like he did to me, and all the others.
all i can say is if that's how he wants to be, then thank the goddess that poisoned snake is out of my life.