A Little Daytime Television.......
What can I say? Ouch? Does not seem to cover what I feel at the moment. This post is an epitaph of sorts. My LJ was resurrected for the sole purpose of informing a certain person of my actions in there absence, but in that regard it is no longer needed. So after a brief comeback tour this insidious form of media well be returned to the past where I do believe it belongs. Amen.
At roughly two this afternoon I rejoined the ranks of the single. I can't say I was surprised and I'm kind of glad it came on this day but I'm shocked at the pain I'm feeling at the moment. It was a fortunate turn of events that gives me one hell of a wall of fatigue to work behind, deadening a great deal of emotion. In the dying months of past relationships I can say such a small amount of time has never caused me such a feeling. Where before the damage felt like it was all over, all consuming, this has the feel of a very sharp and very deep wound that will bleed and bleed like a nicked artery. I wonder what hurts more the loss of something I have rarely experienced (a relationship that was more equal than most) or the fact that I deluded myself into thinking I could somehow keep it a possibility. I wanted an everyday fairy tale but they never last long do they? Self delusion was always a "skill" I despised most in my character. After feeling happy about accomplishing so much in so little time I wonder if I should just settle for the future that was once a head of me and not see so much of the world. Why would I wish to go 15,000 miles to see a girl that I have very little doubt by then will have gone back to her ex boyfriend? If the girl was not who she was, I would have met her further request for friendship with enough bitterness to make most cringe at the taste. The fact that I’m well aware that I will most likely keep in contact with her, at great expense to myself, indicates exactly how much esteem I hold her for her.
I find it amusing that Lorelei was startled at how calmly I took it. If you ask yourself “who am I to argue with love?” what do you say? Should I have fought? Will I ever get it back? The answer is no. Why complicate her life? Maybe I will give her the one thing that I was never given me and that is to give her a chance to work it out without another influence exerting on her. You know, the dragged out break up with someone still chasing after the other. Christ I should apply for sainthood no?
I have very little doubt that Lorelei will every read this and I'm currently sitting her debating whether I wish to send it to her in an email or not. There is a very big part of me that wants her to feel something in response to my pain because that would indicate that she still cares. Everybody has probably seen something similar a thousand times over in other break ups. But there is another big part that says “keep it all to yourself” for selfish and charitable reasons and so I just decided, I shall.
There is very little coherent thought here, sentences are too long, thought doesn’t flow and I’d say right now, that’s more than a little acceptable. My one desire at the moment is to put in some head phones and drown out reality with music of passion and pain. I’m finding it hard to combat a large contingent of old emotions, most of which is the desire to indulge in a form of self destruction. Spend lots of money, don’t sleep, skip class and fuck something all in the hopes of distracting myself from my hated heart. Funny but my pride and to some extent, ambition seem to stop me from most of those but I’ve always been a mercurial fellow.
I wonder what the “respectful” time frame would be, before I can fool around with another. Maybe I should ask Lorelei? HA. HA. HA. I hate this shit. I’ve been here too many times.
Can you believe I called Jimmy Williams as the person to unload all of this to? Tonight, Bended Elbow, be there. No, actually I wanted an optimistic and somewhat “divine/unique” point of view for what I feel.
I hate that in this girl’s service I am a completely different type of creature. I adopt a set of social and moral codes that make me an upstanding guy. Apparently….. I know that I have that within me but I wonder if I’ve had enough time for me to figure out how to do it myself. I have always been at my best when I have felt I belong to something. A sense of security. I don’t want to be a monster again. I don’t want to get an accounting job in Australia at the end of this year. I want to take the opportunity to see more of the world. If I do still take this opportunity to go to the states will it be the right thing? I really don’t want to do this any more for her in anyway. Will I be able to be her friend, not interfere and not degenerate into what she has back home.
So I’ll just put all the rosy memories away in that little place called the past, under e for ex girlfriend. Say goodbye too:
- Being an hour late for catching the wrong bus.
- Belly nose dives.
- Slippery sand.
- The river bank at Crown.
- Extreme drunkiness at NEXT and the subsequent events at home.
- Late summer night drives to Torquay and talks about god.
- The CYC and Don Vincenzo’s.
- Confusing and embarrassing Aussie lingo.
- Random dress up dates.
- Being spun around by your feet.
- Driving on the wrong side of the road and round abouts.
- DRAINING THE DAMN BATTERY!!!!!
- Getting your ass kicked every time and so much more…….
*sigh* I’ve felt tired and I’ve felt bruised. I don’t hold faith in miracle reconciliations or changes in decisions. I just believe in myself. It’s all I have left. Will I let myself down again or will I achieve a now slightly tarnished dream?
Crisis of Faith. Loss Of Will. Man Down. So far down……………..
Hell, life is what you make it. Individuals are the masters of their own faith……..
Amen.
Adam
1,121 words. Semper Fi Motherfuckers.
AGAINST ME! LYRICS
"Borne On The FM Waves Of The Heart"
(feat. Tegan Quin)
No, it's not what we meant to say.
We don’t really love each other.
What happens when the summer’s over?
How long before distance becomes a chore?
I'm approaching with great, great trepidation.
I hope you’ll understand.
Before you speak think about what you're trying to say.
Who else is there to blame for miscommunication?
You're getting caught up in the excitement.
You making promises you can’t keep.
You need to leave all your options open.
Too much momentum.
This room feels like it's going to explode.
Too many angles.
Too many factors to cover.
Waiting for signal.
You're searching for network.
You have to fight to stay in control of the situation.
Anxiety, Anxiety you give me no mercy.
Grind my teeth smooth and flat in my sleep.
We took some pills to calm us down.
Then we needed help to come back up.
Just trying to stay in control of the situation.
Too much momentum.
This room feels like it's going to explode.
Too many angles.
Too many factors to cover.
Waiting for signal.
You're searching for network.
You have to fight to stay in control of the situation.
They fall apart so easily.
Too much momentum.
This room feels like it's going to explode.
Too many angles.
Too many factors to cover.
Waiting for signal.
You're searching for network.
You have to fight to stay in control.
You have to fight to stay in control.
No, you don’t have to fight to stay in control of the situation.