The Dark Horde is dead...Wait! There's More!
Lice in the Current Middle Ages,
Or: How To Have Archaic And Eat It Too!
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-Baron Dur the Nasty
-Ioseph of Locksley
Unauthorized satire on the introductory article originally written by
Siobhan Medhbh O'Roarke ( smor@um.cc.umich.edu )
Edited with the author's permission by Arval Benicoeur
(joshua@paul.rutgers.edu)
Lampooned by Baron Dur the Nasty
Lampoon elaborated upon by Ioseph of Locksley
SCA is the Society for Creative Anarchism, (Ink.) which is *not* related to the Sacred Cows Association for Middle-aged Pedagogs (SCAMP). Many groups meet weekly, and at these meetings we plot, conive, gossip, revel, and make plans for the overthrow of Self-Appointed Purists (SAPs). But first, let's spread a little propaganda about the SCA in general, as it is such good fertilizer.
Where Did The SCA Come From?
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The disavowed purpose of the SCA is the study and recreation of anything not found in the European Middle Ages. "The SCA is period." is the battle cry consecrating the Western European High Middle Ages as the One True Way. Everywhere else it was just the "Dark Ages". Or (...shudder....) "Non-European."
As you can probably separate the SCA from a finger-painting class, you would violate the learning process. To learn anything, avoid the self appointed experts, and look for someone doing something (i.e. costuming, fighting, sitting around, etc).
You will frequently hear a SCA person describe the SCA as recreating the Middle Ages "as they ought to have been, if they had net access, microwave ovens, nuclear power, birth-control devices, and chocolate bars."
Sometimes you will hear people describe their lives in the SCA by saying that they walk to Events, in garb, camping by the roadside and pillaging local farmhouses for food. These are Authenticity Buffs.
There are several schools of thought as to the origins of the SCA:
- The SCA was found under a cabbage leaf.
- The SCA was invented by a group of Science Fiction and Fantasy fans, just like you! They organized it just like their favorite fan clubs, with lots of useless officers and incorporated the best parts of Bobby's Rules of Disorder and Mayhem as the government. To this day we curse the founders for their lack of foresight in this matter.
- The SCA is a plot of the CIA, the Church of Scientology, and the Girl Scouts of America, in conjuction with the Illuminati.
- The SCA "just growed."
- A feudal society takes its form when times are bad. The SCA grew up as a home for hippies after the Flower Children burnt out.
How is the SCA Organized?
or: How Do You Get Elected King Of This Outfit?
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The SCA is a feudal society, just like the Hatfields and the McCoys. Everybody (but the Duck Horde) kowtows and scrapes before an even dozen Kinks, Queens, and more Hineys than you can shake a schtick at. These, fortunately, are short lived. (see plotting and coniving sessions mentioned above.)
The King is elected thru the process of a bunch of people hitting each other with pieces of porch furniture. (see "Fighting In The SCA.") This seems to be as good a basis for self-government as any.
Fighting in the SCA,
or Why Are Those People Hitting Each Other?
(I thought they were friends!)
_______________________________________________________________Fighting in the SCA evolved from two guys with garbage can lids and plastic baseball bats. Now they fight in plastic (pickle-bucket) armor. The fighter keeps faith with his honor by accepting blows that would be killing or wounding, unless he has special (rhino) leather armor (more
about this a little later).
Fighting brings us to * the Chivalry *. The Chivalry is a group of elite fighters -- those who have gotten very very good at fighting, or now possess the magically enhanced (rhino) armor. They are called Kniggits, and they will obey the Kink in everything except when it doesn't suit
them.
The word "Chivalry" comes from the Old French custom of schticking a knife (another Old French word) or "Shiv" in the back of your comrades. This is popularized in the Norman ripoff and renaming of tale of Syr Lancelot du "Mac da Shiv" shortly after Willie of Dubious Ancestry rode into London.
Politics In The SCA,
or Why Are Those People Hitting Each Other?
(I thought they were friends!)
_______________________________________________________________On the next level up of a Pyramid club the benefits are greater. (See: Fighting In The SCA)
Why Do you all have such funny names?
or
"Mommy, Why Is Arval's Face As Green As His Tabard?"
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Every person in the SCA picks a name to use in the Society. It could be something simple (George of Wardcliff) or something elaborate (Dughall Aislean mac Lathurna). However, Arval will deny your existence if it pleases him, making you a non-persona in funny clothes, just like him.
Funny names, creative names, or the "Bad-Name-Of-The-Week" will be thrown into Outer Darkness by the Heralds. Non-European names get looked at more carefully, and thus are more likely to be drawn and quartered (subjecting the user to much humiliation) in public print.
If you are a wimpy sort of person with a bad complexion, it is customary to take a resounding macho sort of name, and wear bunny fur.
Rank in the SCA, or How Come She is Wearing a Crown?
(or: The Only Thing Rank Around Here Is Your Garb!)
____________________________________________________There are two sorts of peers in the SCA; Royal Pains and Peers. Royal Pains are folk who have worn the crown of a Kingdom or Principality at least once, and won't ever let you forget it!
Other sorts of Peers are folk who, through extreme tolerance to pain, knives in the back, sleeping with a Royal Pain (or the Ka-Ka Khan), dint of talent, hard work, and long effort, are recognized for their contributions and skills. Now they may rest upon their Laur-els, or beat upon their bleeding Flamingo chests and they won't ever let you forget it (See Royal Pain)!
We have never figured out what they are peering at....or on.
Laurels wear a representation of the Queen of Krypton, Laur-El, while Bleeding Flamingos wear rubber chickens. Kniggits have a Belt of whatever drink they can reach.
Feasting, Dancing and Merrymaking
or
The REAL Reason To Wear Garb!
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Ladies didn't wear underwear in the Middle Ages. This is useful. Knives are an essential part of your garb, to help the ladies undress faster, unless they use zippers.
Duck Horde ladies wear knives a lot. They are likely to undress -you-.
What Kind of Person Joins the SCA?
(There's No Place Like Home...)
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SCA folk are like you and me -- just folks. However, a high density of "Techies" are present at any given moment. They can be identified by their habits of spouting words like "Emmis Dos, Macinsquash, Enuchs" and that ilk at odd times throughout the day.
Other Ways To Acquire Another Hobby
And Spend Your Money...
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We welcome you. You needn't join the SCA (Ink) to attend and participate (Just Say No!) The SCA is -not- a cult, though worship of the BoD is mandatory on all members (except the Duck Horde.) Corpora is considered Holy Writ (ask any Seneshal) except when BoD on High (Holy! Holy! Holy!) changeth it.
The Duck Horde
or: "Who Da Hell's Dese Jerkos?"
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The Duck Horde really doesn't exist. It is a fictional construct of a tiny minority of demented persons.