[fic] ATL; JJ+Reid; drug addiction (CM)
ATL
Words: 1664
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Spoilers for all current episodes (through 6.02 "JJ").
Warnings/Triggers: drug addiction
Prompt: for hc_bingo, prompt "drug addiction"
Summary: Reid and JJ share two of the most difficult days of their lives, with a promise to link them. // thanks to saintawesome for the beta! ♥
JJ didn’t start crying when she saw that Reid was alive. She didn’t start crying when he hugged her tight and whispered “it’s all right, it’s not your fault.” But when she saw Morgan’s face, the shine in his eyes and the quiver in his lip - when Morgan cracked, so did she. She wiped at her face and squeezed past everyone, because if she was going to lose it, she needed some privacy.
Away from the group, she leaned up against the side of the SUV and tried to calm down. Hankel wouldn’t have taken Reid if they hadn’t split up, and as everyone watched him die in real time, she felt the heavy burden of responsibility. The relief of having him here and safe was not calming her agitated conscience. No matter what he said, if she’d had his back, none of this would have happened. She would have to come to terms with that, somehow.
When Reid finally trundled over, flanked by Hotch on one side and Gideon on the other, JJ quickly attempted to compose herself. She managed half a smile, and ruffled Reid’s hair when he was close enough. She was supposed to say something meaningful here, profound and apologetic, but all the words died in her throat. Everything about him broke her heart. She could have kept this from happening, if-
“Stop.” Reid curled his fingers, dirty and faintly trembling, over hers. “I told you, it’s not your fault. Don’t blame yourself.”
“I’m not,” JJ countered, though it was futile. It was almost impossible to con a profiler, or a genius, and God help you if he was both.
Reid gave her a significant look, but let the subject go. A cold breeze blew past them, and though it was hardly anything, he nearly toppled over into JJ’s arms. That was enough for her, and she immediately bundled Reid into the back of the car, shutting the door behind them.
Maybe the SUV felt safer, or maybe it was because no one else could see, but as soon as they were alone, Reid’s brave face began to crack. JJ pulled him close, as tight as either of them could bear, and he buried his face in the crook of her neck. Stress and dehydration made him feel practically skeletal, and he vibrated with adrenaline and fear and the sheer emotion of rescue.
“Spence,” JJ said, breaking the almost unbearable silence. “Spence, I’m sorry. And I know you said it’s all right, but it’s not. It’s not all right with me. Because if it’s not my fault, then who?”
“Mine.” Reid looked up, and saddled her with the full weight of his bruised, troubled face. “I decided to engage with Tobias without backup. I ran off alone. It was my mistake, and I paid for it. If anything, I deserved it.”
“No!” JJ found herself suddenly angry, then shocked at the force of it. Reid pulled back and opened his mouth to argue, but she kept going. “Spence, no. What you just went through - I won’t let you say that. Nobody deserves what happened to you.”
They stayed at that impasse for a long, quiet moment. Clearly without the strength to fight about it, Reid sighed and let his head flop forward again. “I know you can’t help how you feel,” he said, muffled by her vest. “But I don’t blame you, and I won’t let anybody else blame you, either.”
JJ took a deep breath. “Okay.” She knew she had to let it go for now. In time, she’d be able to forgive herself.
It was then, completely as an afterthought, that she noticed one of Reid’s sleeves rolled up to the elbow. She reached down to adjust it, and caught sight of-
The crook of Reid’s elbow was black and blue and spotted with fresh track marks. Had Tobias tried to help him - or had Charles tried to subdue him? He tried to pull his arm up to his chest to hide it, but it was no use. She’d remember that as long as she lived.
“Oh, Spence.” JJ couldn’t take it any longer. One tear, then another, and then days of pent-up dread and anger and love all came out at once. “Spence, Spence, I’m sorry,” she repeated, voice cracking. “I’m so sorry.”
If she held him too tightly, Reid didn’t say. He clung just as hard, finally indulging in the tears he’d hid from the rest of the team. It wasn’t that he was ashamed to show the emotion, it was just - the rest of the team was hurting for him. JJ was hurting with him, and it showed. They cried together until neither had anything left but sniffles and labored breathing.
“I’m going to be all right,” Reid said, with exactly zero conviction. It was stupid and touching, and clearly for JJ’s benefit. She wasn’t entirely okay with that, but what choice did she have? Besides, maybe if she believed it hard enough, he might, too.
When the exit interview was on Strauss’ desk, the deed done and the decision final, JJ took the long elevator ride to the lobby alone. Hotch had gone to bat for her, but it didn’t matter that it wasn’t fair, or that she didn’t want to go. The wheels would keep turning no matter how she felt. One thing was for sure: she’d damned if she’d let anybody see her cry. Later, when Will was out shopping and Henry was down for his nap, maybe she’d indulge herself in a little histrionics. Besides, she still had the rest of the week to tie up her loose ends, and she wasn’t dead. She’d visit so much, they’d get sick of her and ask her to leave.
She was out the door, already reaching for her keys and thinking about dinner when someone caught her wrist. It was Reid, sitting on the steps with his messenger bag on his knees.
“You haven’t been sitting here for three hours,” she said slowly. It wasn’t a question, but JJ still hoped he’d say no. His silence was answer enough. “Spence, really, it’s-“
“Do you remember what I said to you in Georgia? In the car?” Reid asked suddenly, and it took JJ completely by surprise. She hadn’t thought about it in such a long time - which made her feel stupid, because Reid had to think about it every day. Of course that would mean something to him now.
Reid set his bag aside so that he could stand and give JJ the full force of a pensive expression. “They tell you, in NA, about having a support system. When you start thinking about using again, the people you care about help you make the right choices, even when they’re not there.
“When Gideon…” Reid faltered briefly, and swallowed to regain his momentum. “When I drove back from the cabin, I wanted Dilaudid so badly I could taste it. I wanted to turn my brain off, block out his note and all of his excuses, everything he’d promised to me and then abandoned. So I sat in my car for a long time, having an argument with myself, weighing all my options. And then I remembered that I made you a promise in Georgia. I told you I’d be all right.”
JJ wanted to say yes, she remembered, but her throat had completely seized up and her eyes had started to water. Maybe the DoD wouldn’t have a parking lot with so much pollen in it, she thought, and use all of her self-control to keep it in.
Reid’s words hadn’t felt right at the time, not when it had just happened, but she supposed she’d always kept him to his promise in her heart. Every time he’d hit a speed bump - Gideon’s disappearance, Riley Jenkins, Adam Jackson, anthrax - she prayed it wouldn’t be the last straw. She hoped beyond hope that something or someone would get him through. She’d just assumed it was his mother, that he’d never leave her all alone if he could help it. How could she have known it was something Spence had said to her?
“You need a support system because you know you can’t let those people down. I knew that if I started using again, I’d lose everything and you’d blame yourself-- whether you deserved it or not.” The weight of Reid’s earnestness, his emotional walls down completely, brought her back to that SUV with a jolt. She remembered the relief and the despair, the fear for Spence and the anger at herself. Yet here they were, come full circle, and Reid was as vibrant and brilliant and well as she’d ever seen him.
Reid leaned down until their foreheads were touching. “I have lived every day of the last four years trying to keep that promise. I’m here today because of you, JJ. It doesn’t matter if you’re with us, or the DoD, or a pet grooming business in North Dakota. You will always be the reason I didn’t give up.”
That did it. All the tears JJ refused to shed in the bullpen, in Garcia’s office, in the elevator, were pouring hot over her cheeks. Maybe what he said wasn’t strictly true - Reid did all the hard work of staying sober, after all - but the sentiment was enough. It was more than enough.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, clinging to him just like she had in the SUV, only it wasn’t Reid that was about to break this time. This was her family, damn it, and she didn’t want to leave them. She needed them as much as they needed her. She wanted this job, she wanted these cases, and more than anything, she wanted these profilers.
Reid tucked his face against her neck. “We’re going to be all right.”
This time, JJ had faith that it would be true. Not now, and maybe not soon, but someday.
Someday would be enough.
Words: 1664
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Spoilers for all current episodes (through 6.02 "JJ").
Warnings/Triggers: drug addiction
Prompt: for hc_bingo, prompt "drug addiction"
Summary: Reid and JJ share two of the most difficult days of their lives, with a promise to link them. // thanks to saintawesome for the beta! ♥
JJ didn’t start crying when she saw that Reid was alive. She didn’t start crying when he hugged her tight and whispered “it’s all right, it’s not your fault.” But when she saw Morgan’s face, the shine in his eyes and the quiver in his lip - when Morgan cracked, so did she. She wiped at her face and squeezed past everyone, because if she was going to lose it, she needed some privacy.
Away from the group, she leaned up against the side of the SUV and tried to calm down. Hankel wouldn’t have taken Reid if they hadn’t split up, and as everyone watched him die in real time, she felt the heavy burden of responsibility. The relief of having him here and safe was not calming her agitated conscience. No matter what he said, if she’d had his back, none of this would have happened. She would have to come to terms with that, somehow.
When Reid finally trundled over, flanked by Hotch on one side and Gideon on the other, JJ quickly attempted to compose herself. She managed half a smile, and ruffled Reid’s hair when he was close enough. She was supposed to say something meaningful here, profound and apologetic, but all the words died in her throat. Everything about him broke her heart. She could have kept this from happening, if-
“Stop.” Reid curled his fingers, dirty and faintly trembling, over hers. “I told you, it’s not your fault. Don’t blame yourself.”
“I’m not,” JJ countered, though it was futile. It was almost impossible to con a profiler, or a genius, and God help you if he was both.
Reid gave her a significant look, but let the subject go. A cold breeze blew past them, and though it was hardly anything, he nearly toppled over into JJ’s arms. That was enough for her, and she immediately bundled Reid into the back of the car, shutting the door behind them.
Maybe the SUV felt safer, or maybe it was because no one else could see, but as soon as they were alone, Reid’s brave face began to crack. JJ pulled him close, as tight as either of them could bear, and he buried his face in the crook of her neck. Stress and dehydration made him feel practically skeletal, and he vibrated with adrenaline and fear and the sheer emotion of rescue.
“Spence,” JJ said, breaking the almost unbearable silence. “Spence, I’m sorry. And I know you said it’s all right, but it’s not. It’s not all right with me. Because if it’s not my fault, then who?”
“Mine.” Reid looked up, and saddled her with the full weight of his bruised, troubled face. “I decided to engage with Tobias without backup. I ran off alone. It was my mistake, and I paid for it. If anything, I deserved it.”
“No!” JJ found herself suddenly angry, then shocked at the force of it. Reid pulled back and opened his mouth to argue, but she kept going. “Spence, no. What you just went through - I won’t let you say that. Nobody deserves what happened to you.”
They stayed at that impasse for a long, quiet moment. Clearly without the strength to fight about it, Reid sighed and let his head flop forward again. “I know you can’t help how you feel,” he said, muffled by her vest. “But I don’t blame you, and I won’t let anybody else blame you, either.”
JJ took a deep breath. “Okay.” She knew she had to let it go for now. In time, she’d be able to forgive herself.
It was then, completely as an afterthought, that she noticed one of Reid’s sleeves rolled up to the elbow. She reached down to adjust it, and caught sight of-
The crook of Reid’s elbow was black and blue and spotted with fresh track marks. Had Tobias tried to help him - or had Charles tried to subdue him? He tried to pull his arm up to his chest to hide it, but it was no use. She’d remember that as long as she lived.
“Oh, Spence.” JJ couldn’t take it any longer. One tear, then another, and then days of pent-up dread and anger and love all came out at once. “Spence, Spence, I’m sorry,” she repeated, voice cracking. “I’m so sorry.”
If she held him too tightly, Reid didn’t say. He clung just as hard, finally indulging in the tears he’d hid from the rest of the team. It wasn’t that he was ashamed to show the emotion, it was just - the rest of the team was hurting for him. JJ was hurting with him, and it showed. They cried together until neither had anything left but sniffles and labored breathing.
“I’m going to be all right,” Reid said, with exactly zero conviction. It was stupid and touching, and clearly for JJ’s benefit. She wasn’t entirely okay with that, but what choice did she have? Besides, maybe if she believed it hard enough, he might, too.
When the exit interview was on Strauss’ desk, the deed done and the decision final, JJ took the long elevator ride to the lobby alone. Hotch had gone to bat for her, but it didn’t matter that it wasn’t fair, or that she didn’t want to go. The wheels would keep turning no matter how she felt. One thing was for sure: she’d damned if she’d let anybody see her cry. Later, when Will was out shopping and Henry was down for his nap, maybe she’d indulge herself in a little histrionics. Besides, she still had the rest of the week to tie up her loose ends, and she wasn’t dead. She’d visit so much, they’d get sick of her and ask her to leave.
She was out the door, already reaching for her keys and thinking about dinner when someone caught her wrist. It was Reid, sitting on the steps with his messenger bag on his knees.
“You haven’t been sitting here for three hours,” she said slowly. It wasn’t a question, but JJ still hoped he’d say no. His silence was answer enough. “Spence, really, it’s-“
“Do you remember what I said to you in Georgia? In the car?” Reid asked suddenly, and it took JJ completely by surprise. She hadn’t thought about it in such a long time - which made her feel stupid, because Reid had to think about it every day. Of course that would mean something to him now.
Reid set his bag aside so that he could stand and give JJ the full force of a pensive expression. “They tell you, in NA, about having a support system. When you start thinking about using again, the people you care about help you make the right choices, even when they’re not there.
“When Gideon…” Reid faltered briefly, and swallowed to regain his momentum. “When I drove back from the cabin, I wanted Dilaudid so badly I could taste it. I wanted to turn my brain off, block out his note and all of his excuses, everything he’d promised to me and then abandoned. So I sat in my car for a long time, having an argument with myself, weighing all my options. And then I remembered that I made you a promise in Georgia. I told you I’d be all right.”
JJ wanted to say yes, she remembered, but her throat had completely seized up and her eyes had started to water. Maybe the DoD wouldn’t have a parking lot with so much pollen in it, she thought, and use all of her self-control to keep it in.
Reid’s words hadn’t felt right at the time, not when it had just happened, but she supposed she’d always kept him to his promise in her heart. Every time he’d hit a speed bump - Gideon’s disappearance, Riley Jenkins, Adam Jackson, anthrax - she prayed it wouldn’t be the last straw. She hoped beyond hope that something or someone would get him through. She’d just assumed it was his mother, that he’d never leave her all alone if he could help it. How could she have known it was something Spence had said to her?
“You need a support system because you know you can’t let those people down. I knew that if I started using again, I’d lose everything and you’d blame yourself-- whether you deserved it or not.” The weight of Reid’s earnestness, his emotional walls down completely, brought her back to that SUV with a jolt. She remembered the relief and the despair, the fear for Spence and the anger at herself. Yet here they were, come full circle, and Reid was as vibrant and brilliant and well as she’d ever seen him.
Reid leaned down until their foreheads were touching. “I have lived every day of the last four years trying to keep that promise. I’m here today because of you, JJ. It doesn’t matter if you’re with us, or the DoD, or a pet grooming business in North Dakota. You will always be the reason I didn’t give up.”
That did it. All the tears JJ refused to shed in the bullpen, in Garcia’s office, in the elevator, were pouring hot over her cheeks. Maybe what he said wasn’t strictly true - Reid did all the hard work of staying sober, after all - but the sentiment was enough. It was more than enough.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, clinging to him just like she had in the SUV, only it wasn’t Reid that was about to break this time. This was her family, damn it, and she didn’t want to leave them. She needed them as much as they needed her. She wanted this job, she wanted these cases, and more than anything, she wanted these profilers.
Reid tucked his face against her neck. “We’re going to be all right.”
This time, JJ had faith that it would be true. Not now, and maybe not soon, but someday.
Someday would be enough.