how to poop at work
okay i got this email from my friend and OMG i laughed so damn hard i had tears streaming down my face... you must read:
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
in our
cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we
try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those
who hate
pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at
work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is
not in
your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came
from.
Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been
expelled.
Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check
for
other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again. Be
careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if
they
catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a
poop in
a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If you
release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.
If you
are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear
it. No
one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all
involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This
is
usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen,
do not
panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to
spare
everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
This
reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
This can
help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk up
the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks
in and
busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not
exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often
see an
Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine under
their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet
Pooper
before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes
off
without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
Out Of
The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect
visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This
will
reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
force the
door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
can
occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall
until the
Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye
contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in
a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential Turd
Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you
are
occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If
you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can
poop in
peace.
WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This
is also
an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a
diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an
Astaire.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend
extended
lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle
Ted makes
it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait
to poop
when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other
bathroom
attendees.
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
in our
cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we
try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those
who hate
pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at
work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is
not in
your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came
from.
Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been
expelled.
Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check
for
other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again. Be
careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if
they
catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a
poop in
a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If you
release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.
If you
are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear
it. No
one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all
involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This
is
usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen,
do not
panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to
spare
everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
This
reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
This can
help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk up
the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks
in and
busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not
exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often
see an
Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine under
their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet
Pooper
before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes
off
without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
Out Of
The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect
visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This
will
reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
force the
door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that
can
occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall
until the
Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye
contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in
a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential Turd
Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you
are
occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If
you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can
poop in
peace.
WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This
is also
an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a
diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an
Astaire.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend
extended
lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle
Ted makes
it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait
to poop
when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other
bathroom
attendees.