Application

[ibtrippen]

Name: Patrick, pseudonym ibtrippen
Age: 23

How you heard about us: Searched LiveJournal
How long have you been writing?: 6 and 1/2 years
Favorite poets/authors: Robert Pinsky and Oliver Sacks
A description of your writing style: I like stories the explore themes or ideas, but I also write poetry or stories whose only point is to test out a new texhnique

Comments

[ladytairngire]

No transition - indeed. ;)

throw rocks
at him to make him move.
Hit him? I can.

This opening passage is disjointed, largely because the above section is written in a different tense. Perhaps if you chose another way to - heh - transition your reader from the narration to the direct quote, the effect might be less jarring. Perhaps a stanza break? Quotation marks? Or, my personal favorite, italics?

It also strikes me as a difficult passage because the line "Hit him? I can." interrupts the cadence (such as it is) and seems like an odd thing to throw in there. Thrown in. What does it add?

And, finally, the bit about the mascot begs the question - is his school mascot different because it is old or because it represents a different school? You want to be sure you are imparting everything necessary concerning this since it is pivotal to the theme of your piece.

I don't find much fault with the rest of the poem, except that "they look for scraps" is an odd response to "do you see those birds", and, otherwise, you haven't quite driven home your message. For example: why do grey pigeons with blue wings and white chests cover more ground than their less common brethren and how, exactly, has the ugly duckling/pigeon covered more ground than his peers?