[fic] DieXShinya - Dir en grey - Pomegranate - Ch2
Yay! I love this chapter. ^_^; Can't wait to write the rest. I'm thinking one, at max 2 more chapters.
Title: Pomegranate
Chapters: ch2, ch1- Here
Author: evespikey
Rating: PG-13
Warnings None
Genre: drama, angst, romance
Band: Dir en grey
Pairings: DieXShinya
Disclaimers: I don't own them, sadly to say.
Summary: Shinya makes a dramatic decision that effects the whole band, especially Die. In this chapter Shinya has a dream and confronts Die. Die opens the floodgate.
The sun was up, and the streets were crowded. Cars sped past busily, their drivers preoccupied with the roads on their way to work. Pedestrians hurried to and fro, disregarding others’ personal space to make room for their laptops and briefcases. Everyone was in a hurry, thinking that if only they got to work sooner, they could catch up with the markets, they could sell their shares, they could change things. You could see the hunger for change in the eyes of the salary men. They made their living on the backs of change, predicting market rise, knowing what was going to happen, and- the most attractive part for some of them- taking risks.
Die was not one of these people. Not in work, and not in attitude. He couldn’t have predicted what was going to happen. He didn’t have the salary men’s eager hope for change. Some things change around us, no matter what we do, no matter what action we could or could not have taken. Die had taken action last night, but only on himself. Doing things to yourself is a different kind of action. In some ways it can hardly be called an action at all. An action demands a reaction; it is a doing, demanding, and selfish word. But if the action that you take is in itself a reaction, can that be called an action at all?
Die had taken action and he was paying for it this morning. His head, slightly bruised and slightly lumpy from where he had hit it on the edge of the table, was contracting tightly in protest of last night’s treatment. His liver had nothing to thank him for either. The bathroom still had a faint smell of sick from an episode in the middle of the night. His foot had a bruise which he didn’t remember making, although you don’t always remember making bruises. The pain comes first, and the signs come later. The marks last longer. Die wished there had been signs. Surely the salary men in the city looked for signs in the market? They didn’t just take a wild guess. How do you become good at guessing? Die guessed that money, being material, was easier to predict. With people, on the other hand, you couldn’t even predict that they would be unpredictable. How could he have known Shinya would be engaged when he came back from his parents? Shinya had never shown any indication of wanting to marry. Or even any indication of being remotely interested in girls, for that matter. He used to dress up as a girl, in early band videos. But what that told Die about Shinya’s gender politics Die had no idea. He had no idea what Shinya was thinking. Love aside, desire aside, children, the future and happiness aside; it still didn’t make any sense. It wasn’t as if Shinya had no responsibilities. He was in a band. He was an integral part of the band! Die’s mental voice became frustrated as soon as this thought entered his head. How could Shinya get engaged like that without even talking to the band first? They might have to re-arrange a tour, how could they get a new drummer? He would be away for practice, and he would eventually drift away. Die knew it would happen. He wasn’t stupid. Shinya was going to leave them. Shinya was going to leave him.
**********************
Whilst Die was meditating on the salary men and their choice of action, Shinya was taking action of his own. He hadn’t understood what Die had meant in the studio yesterday. The band had met for a practice session, and Shinya had told them of his engagement when they asked how his weekend had been. He understood Kaoru’s worries about the band of course, but Kaoru had no need to worry. Getting married was something everybody did, it was just something that you did, something that was expected of you to do on your path in life, like seijin-shiki*. It didn’t mean your life would stop. The band was his career, it was his life. Men weren’t expected to give up their life when they got married. You could say it was even more important for them to have a good career when they were married, in order to support their family. Shinya hoped he would be able to spend more time with the band. Especially Die. Wait. Where did that thought come from? Die was his best friend. They spent more time together than any of the other members. Die understood him better than anyone. He had thought so, that is, until yesterday, when Die had asked him if he loved his fiancée. Shinya didn’t think that that was the point. Then Die had walked out of the studio and he had not seen or heard from him for the rest of the day. Shinya hated arguments. He usually talked in his soft, low voice to try and resolve the situation, and few could resist Shinya’s sensible reasoning. The problem was, Die and Shinya never argued. They didn’t need to. They agreed on everything, and knew each other well enough that they never disagreed- on any matter. On the things that they had differing opinions on- and these were few and far between- Die and Shinya simply accommodated each other’s beliefs. Shinya wanted to make room for Die’s views on marriage and love, but he felt that there was something Die didn’t understand. There was something standing between them, and it wasn’t Shinya’s engagement. Shinya felt as if his getting engaged had just brought it to the forefront, but it still remained a nameless, faceless thing. He felt that if he could just see Die again, just talk to him, he would be able to see and everything would become clear. He had felt like that last night, when he had had his dream. He had dreamt he had heard Die’s voice, saying something he did not expect to hear.
Anata wo nakushi...ai shiteru.
(I lost you....I love you)
**********************
Die started as the buzzer to his flat went. His head didn’t appreciate the harsh, continuous sound which, he thought, went on for far too long. He laid his hands flat on the kitchen table, pushed himself up to a standing position and went to the door; his long legs taking him across the open plan kitchen in a few strides.
“Who is it?” he spoke into the buzzer.
“It’s me.”
He heard Shinya’s voice travel through the vent crackly and stilted, but Die would have known that voice anywhere. His heart contracted. Could he just ignore it and pretend he had not said anything? He didn’t know if he wanted to run and hide or open the door. If he did open the door and let Shinya into his flat, what would happen? Die knew that he would inevitably act surly and defensive while Shinya talked at him in that reasonable voice of his. And all the time Die would be waiting for one word, one hint, one sign from Shinya that would let him release everything, yet he knew that that word would never come. So what to do?
“Er…” he said eloquently into the buzzer.
“Can I come up?” said Shinya, waiting patiently.
“Ok.” said Die, unable to think of anything else to reply with. While he counted the seconds that it took Shinya to climb the stairs, he ran to change his shirt to one a bit more presentable, threw his glasses from the night before in the sink, and opened the door, all the while pretending to act nonchalant. Shinya stood on the doorstep, raising an eyebrow. Die lowered his head and gestured Shinya into the kitchen, shutting the door behind him. Shinya crossed the room to where Die had been sitting five minutes previously, and folded himself into one of Die’s wooden kitchen chairs. Die followed him, taking the one across from Shinya. He sat on it at an angle in what must have been an uncomfortable position. Shinya crossed his legs. There was silence for a few minutes, and Die alternated between taking quick furtive glances at Shinya and studying the table wood. Die knew why Shinya had come.
“I don’t understand” said Shinya, breaking the silence.
“That makes two of us,” muttered Die. It looked like the surly attitude had come out on top for the time being. But then again, you’re bound to feel defensive if you’re in love with your engaged best friend.
“But I don’t understand why you reacted the way you did, Die,” Shinya’s voice became louder and more animated, “when I told you I was engaged…you know as well as I do that arranged marriages go on all the time and love doesn’t have anything to do with it. Your parents didn’t marry for love, and neither did mine.”
“So?” Die said, more aggressively than his usual tone.
“So, we need marriage so we can have children. And why were you so concerned with my feelings towards my fiancée anyway? You’ve never met her.”
“I wasn’t.” said Die stubbornly.
“You said that I should love her, but love between a husband and wife isn’t a part of marriage. She knows that and so do I. I thought you did.”
“Well, have a great time then! I’m sure you will have a very happy and fulfilling marriage.” Die said in a sarcastic voice, his voice getting more aggressive as Shinya probed closer to his feelings.
“It’s not about fulfillment, it’s about doing your duty.” said Shinya.
“No it isn’t! Spoken like a true Japanese, that was!” Die burst out. He had had it with keeping himself contained. If he didn’t say it now, he never would. He had really started now, and once he started, he couldn’t stop. The floodgates had opened and Shinya was going to find out, whatever the consequences. “Don’t you see, you’ve got it all wrong! Shinya, what about you?” Die reached out and grabbed Shinya’s hands firmly, “What about you? What makes you happy? When they call her Mrs Terachi, will you be happy to have her by your side?” Die’s voice was straining under the emotion of his words. “…Is she who you really want?” He leaned forward and looked into Shinya’s brown eyes, searching as hard as he could, willing there to be something behind them.
“It’s not about me, Die.” Shinya said in a small voice.
“Yes it is!” Die said in frustration. He continued, his voice cracking at his next sentence. “It’s all about you, Shinya. It is.” He stopped speaking, not able to continue. Shinya looked across at him, their hands clutching each other, Die’s emotion visible on his face. Shinya hadn’t realized, but his hands were gripping Dies as tightly as they were being gripped themselves. He couldn’t think, he could barely speak, all he saw was Die and all he could feel was Die. He felt overcome.
Die spoke softly: “Do you get it now, Shinya.”
Shinya felt like he understood, but it couldn’t possibly be true.... the reason they felt so comfortable together, the reason they understood each other better than anyone else they had ever met, the reason why they would rather choose to be with only each other all the time rather than with anyone else…
Die, not knowing what he was doing, not knowing if he was going mad and Shinya would never speak to him again, did the only thing he felt he could do, the only thing he felt he had left. Die kissed him.
Shinya felt shock when Die’s lips closed over his. It was a passionate kiss, given with force and intensity. Shinya could feel Die’s emotion spilling out of the kiss and onto their bodies. It was as if Die was trying to tell him something. Shinya’s thoughts had shut down a while ago, and his mouth responded to Die willingly. There was no thought in it, no careful consideration. It just happened, and it felt natural. Die’s hands in his, Die’s mouth on his, this was what they should have been doing all along! It was crazy, that they had spent so much time together and they had never done this before, it was wonderful; they should do this always.
Die broke off the kiss, breathing heavily. Shinya had kissed him back. Did that mean…? Die decided that this was no time for unanswered questions; he had already thrown what caution he did have to the wind, and he spoke.
“You told me once that you didn’t believe in love. I told you you had to see it to believe it.” Die paused, then took his heart into his mouth: “Do you believe me now?”
~TBC ^_^;
* seijin-shiki. Japanese coming-of-age ceremony, at 20 years old. Shinya talked about his ceremony in Haiiro no Ginka.
Title: Pomegranate
Chapters: ch2, ch1- Here
Author: evespikey
Rating: PG-13
Warnings None
Genre: drama, angst, romance
Band: Dir en grey
Pairings: DieXShinya
Disclaimers: I don't own them, sadly to say.
Summary: Shinya makes a dramatic decision that effects the whole band, especially Die. In this chapter Shinya has a dream and confronts Die. Die opens the floodgate.
The sun was up, and the streets were crowded. Cars sped past busily, their drivers preoccupied with the roads on their way to work. Pedestrians hurried to and fro, disregarding others’ personal space to make room for their laptops and briefcases. Everyone was in a hurry, thinking that if only they got to work sooner, they could catch up with the markets, they could sell their shares, they could change things. You could see the hunger for change in the eyes of the salary men. They made their living on the backs of change, predicting market rise, knowing what was going to happen, and- the most attractive part for some of them- taking risks.
Die was not one of these people. Not in work, and not in attitude. He couldn’t have predicted what was going to happen. He didn’t have the salary men’s eager hope for change. Some things change around us, no matter what we do, no matter what action we could or could not have taken. Die had taken action last night, but only on himself. Doing things to yourself is a different kind of action. In some ways it can hardly be called an action at all. An action demands a reaction; it is a doing, demanding, and selfish word. But if the action that you take is in itself a reaction, can that be called an action at all?
Die had taken action and he was paying for it this morning. His head, slightly bruised and slightly lumpy from where he had hit it on the edge of the table, was contracting tightly in protest of last night’s treatment. His liver had nothing to thank him for either. The bathroom still had a faint smell of sick from an episode in the middle of the night. His foot had a bruise which he didn’t remember making, although you don’t always remember making bruises. The pain comes first, and the signs come later. The marks last longer. Die wished there had been signs. Surely the salary men in the city looked for signs in the market? They didn’t just take a wild guess. How do you become good at guessing? Die guessed that money, being material, was easier to predict. With people, on the other hand, you couldn’t even predict that they would be unpredictable. How could he have known Shinya would be engaged when he came back from his parents? Shinya had never shown any indication of wanting to marry. Or even any indication of being remotely interested in girls, for that matter. He used to dress up as a girl, in early band videos. But what that told Die about Shinya’s gender politics Die had no idea. He had no idea what Shinya was thinking. Love aside, desire aside, children, the future and happiness aside; it still didn’t make any sense. It wasn’t as if Shinya had no responsibilities. He was in a band. He was an integral part of the band! Die’s mental voice became frustrated as soon as this thought entered his head. How could Shinya get engaged like that without even talking to the band first? They might have to re-arrange a tour, how could they get a new drummer? He would be away for practice, and he would eventually drift away. Die knew it would happen. He wasn’t stupid. Shinya was going to leave them. Shinya was going to leave him.
**********************
Whilst Die was meditating on the salary men and their choice of action, Shinya was taking action of his own. He hadn’t understood what Die had meant in the studio yesterday. The band had met for a practice session, and Shinya had told them of his engagement when they asked how his weekend had been. He understood Kaoru’s worries about the band of course, but Kaoru had no need to worry. Getting married was something everybody did, it was just something that you did, something that was expected of you to do on your path in life, like seijin-shiki*. It didn’t mean your life would stop. The band was his career, it was his life. Men weren’t expected to give up their life when they got married. You could say it was even more important for them to have a good career when they were married, in order to support their family. Shinya hoped he would be able to spend more time with the band. Especially Die. Wait. Where did that thought come from? Die was his best friend. They spent more time together than any of the other members. Die understood him better than anyone. He had thought so, that is, until yesterday, when Die had asked him if he loved his fiancée. Shinya didn’t think that that was the point. Then Die had walked out of the studio and he had not seen or heard from him for the rest of the day. Shinya hated arguments. He usually talked in his soft, low voice to try and resolve the situation, and few could resist Shinya’s sensible reasoning. The problem was, Die and Shinya never argued. They didn’t need to. They agreed on everything, and knew each other well enough that they never disagreed- on any matter. On the things that they had differing opinions on- and these were few and far between- Die and Shinya simply accommodated each other’s beliefs. Shinya wanted to make room for Die’s views on marriage and love, but he felt that there was something Die didn’t understand. There was something standing between them, and it wasn’t Shinya’s engagement. Shinya felt as if his getting engaged had just brought it to the forefront, but it still remained a nameless, faceless thing. He felt that if he could just see Die again, just talk to him, he would be able to see and everything would become clear. He had felt like that last night, when he had had his dream. He had dreamt he had heard Die’s voice, saying something he did not expect to hear.
Anata wo nakushi...ai shiteru.
(I lost you....I love you)
**********************
Die started as the buzzer to his flat went. His head didn’t appreciate the harsh, continuous sound which, he thought, went on for far too long. He laid his hands flat on the kitchen table, pushed himself up to a standing position and went to the door; his long legs taking him across the open plan kitchen in a few strides.
“Who is it?” he spoke into the buzzer.
“It’s me.”
He heard Shinya’s voice travel through the vent crackly and stilted, but Die would have known that voice anywhere. His heart contracted. Could he just ignore it and pretend he had not said anything? He didn’t know if he wanted to run and hide or open the door. If he did open the door and let Shinya into his flat, what would happen? Die knew that he would inevitably act surly and defensive while Shinya talked at him in that reasonable voice of his. And all the time Die would be waiting for one word, one hint, one sign from Shinya that would let him release everything, yet he knew that that word would never come. So what to do?
“Er…” he said eloquently into the buzzer.
“Can I come up?” said Shinya, waiting patiently.
“Ok.” said Die, unable to think of anything else to reply with. While he counted the seconds that it took Shinya to climb the stairs, he ran to change his shirt to one a bit more presentable, threw his glasses from the night before in the sink, and opened the door, all the while pretending to act nonchalant. Shinya stood on the doorstep, raising an eyebrow. Die lowered his head and gestured Shinya into the kitchen, shutting the door behind him. Shinya crossed the room to where Die had been sitting five minutes previously, and folded himself into one of Die’s wooden kitchen chairs. Die followed him, taking the one across from Shinya. He sat on it at an angle in what must have been an uncomfortable position. Shinya crossed his legs. There was silence for a few minutes, and Die alternated between taking quick furtive glances at Shinya and studying the table wood. Die knew why Shinya had come.
“I don’t understand” said Shinya, breaking the silence.
“That makes two of us,” muttered Die. It looked like the surly attitude had come out on top for the time being. But then again, you’re bound to feel defensive if you’re in love with your engaged best friend.
“But I don’t understand why you reacted the way you did, Die,” Shinya’s voice became louder and more animated, “when I told you I was engaged…you know as well as I do that arranged marriages go on all the time and love doesn’t have anything to do with it. Your parents didn’t marry for love, and neither did mine.”
“So?” Die said, more aggressively than his usual tone.
“So, we need marriage so we can have children. And why were you so concerned with my feelings towards my fiancée anyway? You’ve never met her.”
“I wasn’t.” said Die stubbornly.
“You said that I should love her, but love between a husband and wife isn’t a part of marriage. She knows that and so do I. I thought you did.”
“Well, have a great time then! I’m sure you will have a very happy and fulfilling marriage.” Die said in a sarcastic voice, his voice getting more aggressive as Shinya probed closer to his feelings.
“It’s not about fulfillment, it’s about doing your duty.” said Shinya.
“No it isn’t! Spoken like a true Japanese, that was!” Die burst out. He had had it with keeping himself contained. If he didn’t say it now, he never would. He had really started now, and once he started, he couldn’t stop. The floodgates had opened and Shinya was going to find out, whatever the consequences. “Don’t you see, you’ve got it all wrong! Shinya, what about you?” Die reached out and grabbed Shinya’s hands firmly, “What about you? What makes you happy? When they call her Mrs Terachi, will you be happy to have her by your side?” Die’s voice was straining under the emotion of his words. “…Is she who you really want?” He leaned forward and looked into Shinya’s brown eyes, searching as hard as he could, willing there to be something behind them.
“It’s not about me, Die.” Shinya said in a small voice.
“Yes it is!” Die said in frustration. He continued, his voice cracking at his next sentence. “It’s all about you, Shinya. It is.” He stopped speaking, not able to continue. Shinya looked across at him, their hands clutching each other, Die’s emotion visible on his face. Shinya hadn’t realized, but his hands were gripping Dies as tightly as they were being gripped themselves. He couldn’t think, he could barely speak, all he saw was Die and all he could feel was Die. He felt overcome.
Die spoke softly: “Do you get it now, Shinya.”
Shinya felt like he understood, but it couldn’t possibly be true.... the reason they felt so comfortable together, the reason they understood each other better than anyone else they had ever met, the reason why they would rather choose to be with only each other all the time rather than with anyone else…
Die, not knowing what he was doing, not knowing if he was going mad and Shinya would never speak to him again, did the only thing he felt he could do, the only thing he felt he had left. Die kissed him.
Shinya felt shock when Die’s lips closed over his. It was a passionate kiss, given with force and intensity. Shinya could feel Die’s emotion spilling out of the kiss and onto their bodies. It was as if Die was trying to tell him something. Shinya’s thoughts had shut down a while ago, and his mouth responded to Die willingly. There was no thought in it, no careful consideration. It just happened, and it felt natural. Die’s hands in his, Die’s mouth on his, this was what they should have been doing all along! It was crazy, that they had spent so much time together and they had never done this before, it was wonderful; they should do this always.
Die broke off the kiss, breathing heavily. Shinya had kissed him back. Did that mean…? Die decided that this was no time for unanswered questions; he had already thrown what caution he did have to the wind, and he spoke.
“You told me once that you didn’t believe in love. I told you you had to see it to believe it.” Die paused, then took his heart into his mouth: “Do you believe me now?”
~TBC ^_^;
* seijin-shiki. Japanese coming-of-age ceremony, at 20 years old. Shinya talked about his ceremony in Haiiro no Ginka.