he says the air tastes so much sweeter since he left me
I think this journal entry is just going to be incredibly long, and then again maybe what I need to say is held in very few words, and I wish I knew which because every time I try to explain things I never know what to say, because everything I feel Just doesn't come out easily understood, or something. I could use corney lines like "I can see forever in your eyes" and as much as that statement is true I just can't use it because it's not my own. Why does it feel like I've known you forever? Why is it that everynight I go to bed thinking about you? and maybe this is just "teenage girl who thinks shes head over heals just the like rest" sort of situation, because as much as I'd like to say i've felt like this before, I really can't because I've sort of tried to block the times I have out of my head. anyways. i just made this analogy in my head and you'll all laugh at me about it but it's like, I feel like one of those color by number pictures, I can see everything the way it should be, and almost know what it's going to be like, feel like even, but without the spaces being filled in I really don't know. Not until it/I am complete and I guess I'm starting to think i'd be complete with you. well not starting, I think I pretty much felt like that the first time I saw you. You know love at first sight or something. And maybe not love but... ugh I don't even know. I almost was over this, I was almost there... but it was just like, DUH KELI WHAT ARE YOU DOING? well to tell you the truth I really don't know. You know I really think a book biography about me would be really interesting. but anyways, I can't help but feel this incredibly big desire to want to punch your face in and then kiss you all over. Cause I'm weak like that, and I just give into you always because I can't help it. I've pondered over the idea of things being better without you, AND GOD I'M ONLY 18 WHY AM I WRITING ABOUT THIS, why do I feel this strong at only 18 years old and only after a few months of knowing you. I can't help but want to lay next to you and run my hands all over you, (no this is not perverted) but in a way so I know you're real... Could I live without you? Of course, I've learned I can live without someone that means the world to me, which I thank a certain someone for letting me realize this, and truely I do thank you, not in a sarcastic way but in a heartfelt way. And yes I could live without you, but would I want to? No. If I had it my way I'd be waking up to you every morning. I'm guessing this probably scares you, infact I know it does, and I'm sorry. And I know I'm not the first to want everything from you, and I know I'm not the first that you couldn't give everything too, exactly, why should I be different? Why should you change who you are for me? You shouldn't and I shouldn't expect you to. I mean ha, it would be nice and yes it hurts to think I'm not really ever going to get what I want, because I can't tell you what to do or how to feel about anything. If I could control that psh you know I would. I always wanted to just make everything ok and just make everything go the way I wanted. I know you must have your reasons for everything, reasons that I won't ever understand and probably won't attempt to understand anytime soon. If I could make things easier for you I would, If I could make relationships not so hard for you to deal with I would, because ... I don't know, just because I guess it's what I want, and what I thought you wanted, and no this isn't going to turn into a "it's your fault" post or even email so it sounds like. You know I'm writing this for you to read, someday. I'm sorry things ever got so bad... to the point where you didn't want me having feelings for you and you having feels for me because it just upset you. I'm sorry I expected too much and I'm sorry and dissapointed that I can't change things. I would love to see you extremely happy, I would love to see you extremely happy with me... but even if it's not with me i'd still love to see you happy. I know I complicated a lot of things and I know I brought a lot of drama into your life, and I'm sorry you felt so suffocated that you had to try to push it all away. I guess I'm just so afraid that when I get something good it's going to be taken away from me, and maybe it's just my paranoia that does it. I'd let go of you but i'd never be able to forget your eyes, or the way you laugh. the two most prominant things I remember about you and think about when you're on my mind. And if only I could write a perfect song to make you feel everything I feel, instead it ends up in an essay like post on my journal. And even at the end of this I won't have said everything because it'd take a million more posts to explain everything. And if only I could strong enough to just be your friend. It'd make this so much easier. I always wanted to be strong and I thought I was, until you came into my life, and I was molded into this teenage girl who only wanted you and kind of stayed that way. what is the point of this? this whole shpeil i'm going on? I really don't know after 40 minutes of writing all of this I still dont' know, and even forever from now I won't know. I just want you to be you. and I'm sorry.