Aghast, I May Have Found A New Hobby
"GOD EAT GOD"-- Marilyn Manson
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Dear god, do you want to tear knuckles down
And hold yourself
Dear god, can you climb off that tree
Made to the shape of a "t"
Dear god, the paper says
You were the king in the black limousine
Dear john and all the king's men
Couldn't put your head together again
Before the bullets, before the flies
Before authorities take out my eyes
The only smiling are you dolls that i've made
But you are plastic, and so are your brains
Dear god, your sky is as blue
As a gunshot wound
Dear god, if you were alive
You know we'd kill you
Before the bullets, before the flies
Before authorities takes out my eyes
The only smiling are you dolls that i've made
But you are plastic, and so are your brains
Hello again, monsieur journal. same shit, different day, i'm afraid. as usual, the ongoing battle between me and merri continues. i sent her an email yeasterday explaining that i just want to be treated like a person, and today she responded with an email that said if i want to be treated like a person then i need to start acting like one. so i sent her another one back, and it went like this:
look, merri. i'm sorry. i'm not going to argue anymore on who's right and who's wrong. that kind of debate is completely wasted on both of us, and i don't particularly care anymore about our flaws, really. i'm just tired of the foreboding, tired of the fighting, the wisecracks (except the playful sarcasm, i like that:)), and i'm tired of getting hurt. i enjoy your company, and i want you around. i care a lot for you, i'm just sick of being afraid of you. yea, i can't look you straight in the face because i'm afraid to. you make me feel less than human sometimes and it hurts, why would i look you in the eye if that's all i can hope to be in them? and it's not all the time that i feel like that, but often times i do, like when you come around and you avoid me like the plague, and then later you come back and start talking to me like it never happened. what am i supposed to think? then you get pissed off at me. whatever it is about me that pisses you off so much, i'm sorry. if i could, i'd fix it. but it's always this endless cycle, because our reactions are too similar, so no matter what we always end up back to square one. can we please just stop the goddamned violence?! do you understand what i'm saying, here? it's not that i'm unhappy to see you, i'm just terrified of what's going to happen next to fuck it all up again.
i'm sure it will have little or no effect. i expect she'll react in her usual wit, mostly likely retorting with something like "you're an asshole" followed by the ever-predictable slap in the face. whatever. anyways, me and jaime went back to look for the mill last night. this time we found it. it was all fenced in from the road with "no tresspassing" signs all over it, so we parked the car a litte ways away from the fence, and walked through the woods and down the train tracks that went behind it. it wasn't blocked off in the back. before we left i did some research on it yesterday. i made some rather interesting discoveries about the place. it has like a million different names: chapman's mill, beverly mill, broad run mill, thoroughfare mill, haymarket mill, and the old mill. i've always known about the "ghost" that can be seen from the front fourth floor window if you're looking from the outside, but before yesterday i hadn't heard the story behind it. apparently one night back when the mill was still running, the farmer who owned the place at the time accused his daughter of killing her mother with food poison, so he hung her on the fourth floor from a meat hook. there was a bunch of other stuff too. i found old reciepts from back when they bought, sold and traded slaves. i even found some pictures of the mill when it caught fire back in october, 1998. supposedly, and i haven't read about this but i've heard that if you go there at night on any day during the last week of october you can hear the screams of the people who died in the fire. these people were having a seance and knocked a candle over, buncha stupid kids who wanted to see some ghosts, no different than what we were doing (except without candles and chanting, of course). anyways, jaime is a skeptic (i am too, but there's something about this place that makes me think twice). so she was all like "i'm not scared, i don't believe in this shit." then we got there. and there was snow all over the ground too, so i mean you could see deer tracks all over the place, until you get to the mill. the deer tracks stop about 50 yards away from the place, like they just don't go any closer to it. i pointed that out to jaime. she still wasn't convinced, so then we went to the slave house. now i've heard the story... apparently these slaves had a revolt and killed the master, but the heir to the mill knew they were responsible, and executed them in the slave house, hung them from the beams till they were dead and then buried them under the floor. the house has no basement- we checked, but as soon as we walked in we could feel how hollow the floor was. and when i showed her the nooses hanging from the high beams, then she admitted she was a little creeped out. then it was on to the mill from there. we saw the body of the girl swinging in the fourth floor window from outside, and jaime was all like "well that was probably just the light from the passing cars on the interstate. but there were no cars on the road, and just as she said that, it happened again. so then we went inside. now, if i'm not mistaken, if it's 30 degrees outside, when you surround yourself on 4 sides with walls it would normally be warmer, right? well it wasn't, in fact it was about 30 degrees colder inside than it was outside. now, you've got to imagine what this thing looks like, all the outer walls were made of stone, but inside everything was made of wood, so when it burned down it left nothing but the remaining stone walls. and the place still smells like burnt wood, even after 5 years. i pointed up to the window from where we saw the "apparition" and noted that there was nothing swinging anywhere on that level that would have made us see what we saw from outside. then jaime took a piece of the stone wall out and kept it for a souvenier. as soon as she picked it up the air in the mill got colder by about another 20 degrees. after that we had had enough, so we left. i asked her if she was convinced, but of course she wasn't, though she admitted that it was definately a creepy place with a lot of negative energy. so on the way back we decided we're going to research all the hauntings that have been reported in northern virginia and the richmond areas, and we're going to bring cameras and make a weekend ritual out of "spook hunting." it was fun. she want's to see the "bunny man's bridge" in vienna next, and she wants me to spend the night with her in the "haunted" rooms of the olde towne inn in downtown manassas. that ought to be interesting, because i've been in those rooms before. only i was too drunk to remember anything about them. there's supposed to be a lot of them in fredricksburg, and even a few in front royal, in the cemetery where my dad's buried. i read that there's a headless corpse in a long trenchcoat that can be seen at night trying to leave the cemetery, and also a dead civil war soldier crying at his own grave in the "soldier's circle." interesting stuff. anyways, i went home after we left the mill and hung out with moose. he got pissed because jaime came in to use the bathroom. i don't think he's too happy about me hanging out with her though because last night when she left i asked him if he was going to stay mad all night and he said that it was my "little buddy's" fault. of course, that's starting to make me think twice about the story she told me the other day about him thinking there was something going on between me and her. either that or she's telling him stories about us. i'm confused. why can't we all just be friends? gr. anyways, it's almost time for me to clean up my office, so i gotta go. by the way, i just checked my hot or not score. 80 people have voted for me and i average out at a 9.2! yay for me. lol. anyways... see you later, people.
------------------------------
Dear god, do you want to tear knuckles down
And hold yourself
Dear god, can you climb off that tree
Made to the shape of a "t"
Dear god, the paper says
You were the king in the black limousine
Dear john and all the king's men
Couldn't put your head together again
Before the bullets, before the flies
Before authorities take out my eyes
The only smiling are you dolls that i've made
But you are plastic, and so are your brains
Dear god, your sky is as blue
As a gunshot wound
Dear god, if you were alive
You know we'd kill you
Before the bullets, before the flies
Before authorities takes out my eyes
The only smiling are you dolls that i've made
But you are plastic, and so are your brains
Hello again, monsieur journal. same shit, different day, i'm afraid. as usual, the ongoing battle between me and merri continues. i sent her an email yeasterday explaining that i just want to be treated like a person, and today she responded with an email that said if i want to be treated like a person then i need to start acting like one. so i sent her another one back, and it went like this:
look, merri. i'm sorry. i'm not going to argue anymore on who's right and who's wrong. that kind of debate is completely wasted on both of us, and i don't particularly care anymore about our flaws, really. i'm just tired of the foreboding, tired of the fighting, the wisecracks (except the playful sarcasm, i like that:)), and i'm tired of getting hurt. i enjoy your company, and i want you around. i care a lot for you, i'm just sick of being afraid of you. yea, i can't look you straight in the face because i'm afraid to. you make me feel less than human sometimes and it hurts, why would i look you in the eye if that's all i can hope to be in them? and it's not all the time that i feel like that, but often times i do, like when you come around and you avoid me like the plague, and then later you come back and start talking to me like it never happened. what am i supposed to think? then you get pissed off at me. whatever it is about me that pisses you off so much, i'm sorry. if i could, i'd fix it. but it's always this endless cycle, because our reactions are too similar, so no matter what we always end up back to square one. can we please just stop the goddamned violence?! do you understand what i'm saying, here? it's not that i'm unhappy to see you, i'm just terrified of what's going to happen next to fuck it all up again.
i'm sure it will have little or no effect. i expect she'll react in her usual wit, mostly likely retorting with something like "you're an asshole" followed by the ever-predictable slap in the face. whatever. anyways, me and jaime went back to look for the mill last night. this time we found it. it was all fenced in from the road with "no tresspassing" signs all over it, so we parked the car a litte ways away from the fence, and walked through the woods and down the train tracks that went behind it. it wasn't blocked off in the back. before we left i did some research on it yesterday. i made some rather interesting discoveries about the place. it has like a million different names: chapman's mill, beverly mill, broad run mill, thoroughfare mill, haymarket mill, and the old mill. i've always known about the "ghost" that can be seen from the front fourth floor window if you're looking from the outside, but before yesterday i hadn't heard the story behind it. apparently one night back when the mill was still running, the farmer who owned the place at the time accused his daughter of killing her mother with food poison, so he hung her on the fourth floor from a meat hook. there was a bunch of other stuff too. i found old reciepts from back when they bought, sold and traded slaves. i even found some pictures of the mill when it caught fire back in october, 1998. supposedly, and i haven't read about this but i've heard that if you go there at night on any day during the last week of october you can hear the screams of the people who died in the fire. these people were having a seance and knocked a candle over, buncha stupid kids who wanted to see some ghosts, no different than what we were doing (except without candles and chanting, of course). anyways, jaime is a skeptic (i am too, but there's something about this place that makes me think twice). so she was all like "i'm not scared, i don't believe in this shit." then we got there. and there was snow all over the ground too, so i mean you could see deer tracks all over the place, until you get to the mill. the deer tracks stop about 50 yards away from the place, like they just don't go any closer to it. i pointed that out to jaime. she still wasn't convinced, so then we went to the slave house. now i've heard the story... apparently these slaves had a revolt and killed the master, but the heir to the mill knew they were responsible, and executed them in the slave house, hung them from the beams till they were dead and then buried them under the floor. the house has no basement- we checked, but as soon as we walked in we could feel how hollow the floor was. and when i showed her the nooses hanging from the high beams, then she admitted she was a little creeped out. then it was on to the mill from there. we saw the body of the girl swinging in the fourth floor window from outside, and jaime was all like "well that was probably just the light from the passing cars on the interstate. but there were no cars on the road, and just as she said that, it happened again. so then we went inside. now, if i'm not mistaken, if it's 30 degrees outside, when you surround yourself on 4 sides with walls it would normally be warmer, right? well it wasn't, in fact it was about 30 degrees colder inside than it was outside. now, you've got to imagine what this thing looks like, all the outer walls were made of stone, but inside everything was made of wood, so when it burned down it left nothing but the remaining stone walls. and the place still smells like burnt wood, even after 5 years. i pointed up to the window from where we saw the "apparition" and noted that there was nothing swinging anywhere on that level that would have made us see what we saw from outside. then jaime took a piece of the stone wall out and kept it for a souvenier. as soon as she picked it up the air in the mill got colder by about another 20 degrees. after that we had had enough, so we left. i asked her if she was convinced, but of course she wasn't, though she admitted that it was definately a creepy place with a lot of negative energy. so on the way back we decided we're going to research all the hauntings that have been reported in northern virginia and the richmond areas, and we're going to bring cameras and make a weekend ritual out of "spook hunting." it was fun. she want's to see the "bunny man's bridge" in vienna next, and she wants me to spend the night with her in the "haunted" rooms of the olde towne inn in downtown manassas. that ought to be interesting, because i've been in those rooms before. only i was too drunk to remember anything about them. there's supposed to be a lot of them in fredricksburg, and even a few in front royal, in the cemetery where my dad's buried. i read that there's a headless corpse in a long trenchcoat that can be seen at night trying to leave the cemetery, and also a dead civil war soldier crying at his own grave in the "soldier's circle." interesting stuff. anyways, i went home after we left the mill and hung out with moose. he got pissed because jaime came in to use the bathroom. i don't think he's too happy about me hanging out with her though because last night when she left i asked him if he was going to stay mad all night and he said that it was my "little buddy's" fault. of course, that's starting to make me think twice about the story she told me the other day about him thinking there was something going on between me and her. either that or she's telling him stories about us. i'm confused. why can't we all just be friends? gr. anyways, it's almost time for me to clean up my office, so i gotta go. by the way, i just checked my hot or not score. 80 people have voted for me and i average out at a 9.2! yay for me. lol. anyways... see you later, people.