Too Many Questions
*sigh* it's not easy being green. things have most certainly begun to look up, but nothing comes without a price. saturday morning me and liam left for tennessee to go pick up jenn. there werent too many problems once we got there, and we made it back in one piece i guess. i threw 20 ounces of piss out the window at 70 miles per hour along the way and that was pretty interesting (i couldnt hold it for 20 more miles to the next rest stop). anyways we got home. but for a few days we had nowhere to go, becky and charlie betrayed me and turned jenn out so i left them. i moved back to manassas with my mother temporarily because it was the only place i could go where i had a place for jenn to stay as well. it is very hard though to live here, commuting every morning to woodbridge to go to work and college, on top of that jenn got a job working at a pizza joint and all her shifts are at the worst times. we have so little time to spend together anymore. we only see eachother in passing, in the morning on my way to work, and for a few minutes at night when she gets home from work, just before it's time for her to go to her room and for me to go to mine (she sleeps upstairs in my old room and i have to sleep on the couch in the livingroom, mom's rules). yesterday we went to go and get our marriage liscence and found out that we have to get it before 5pm, and it was 6:30 when we got there. i dont even get out of work until 5. but the evenning was most certainly very surprising when she presented me with a gift wrapped in white wrapping paper and a blue bow, that read "to: my future husband, from: your soulmate." it was a bottle of inis, my favorite cologne in the world, imported from ireland, and you can only get it at the irish collection in old town occoquan. anyways i was very surprised and it was just all kinds of cool because noone ever did anything quite that nice for me before (or quite that expensive, i might add). jenn got a car of her own, a blue piece of chevy cavalier. but again it came with a price. she was made to allow her uncle to fuck her in order to get the car. it's a really long story, but i have had one hell of a time dealing with that. i got angry with her for it, not because it happened but because she refuses to do anything about it. under the circumstances, i called a crisis center to talk about it and explained it in full detail. they set my mind at ease and analyzed the situation for me, reassured me that jenn is a rape victim and had not cheated on me. at the same time they told me that i am also a rape victim because of it, which is supposed to explain why it affects me so badly. only difference is all i can do about it is feel like shit and on the other hand she can actually do something about it but wont. she and i got in a huge fight last night over it. i tried to explain to her that it was a dumb thing to let her uncle go unpunished for what happened. i tried to get a response from her that was anything more than "i dont know what to do" and i got "i'll think about it." okay so these psychologists say that i have no right to say she cheated on me, no right to feel that way. but at the same time how am i supposed to feel knowing she wont do anythng about it? and it's causing problems with us, because we tried to have sex one night and i just couldnt do it. it was only days after the rape and she was still loose. apart from that i could feel all 270 pounds of his body laying there just days before, like the presence of a ghost, and i lost my mind over it and refused to have sex with her. i just wish she'd get some balls and do something about it, but i dont think she will. and there are other things she is keeping from me that i want to know about. i tried to dig into it a little last night during the fight but didnt get very far. found out she lied to me about the drugs. she had said she stopped doing them and it turns out she still does. i want to know more about these wolves she hung out with, who's john and who's steve, and how did she meet them (they most likely were looking for sex just like they all do), and why the hell is she defending bryan call, especially after the way he tried to ruin her relationship with me? or did he succeed and i just dont know it yet? she wont tell me anything about him except that she keeps saying that i dont understand, like she's doing anything to help me understand. and as many times as i try to reassure her that whatever it is about them and her, i'm willing to work through whatever she has done with any of them as long as she's willing to be honest, she wont say a word. just promises me that nothing went on between her and them. but am i really expected to believe that when she refuses to even talk about it? what is she hiding from me? the deal when we got together was that there would be no allowing of interferances from other people, but more importantly, that there are no lies and no secrets. 9 more days and we'll be married, and she'll have a clean slate as far as i am concerned. but it's hard to want to go through with it when i know she is hiding something and wont tell me so we can work it out. but dont get me wrong, of course i still want to marry her, and nothing could stop me from it, except for her, of course. she's everything to me and yet she tries to push me away. the other day i told her i didnt feel appreciated for the things i have done for her, and she turned to me and said "what have you done for me?" if that wasnt fucked up... anyways, i really do love her and want to keep her and make her happy, but i just want to know when it is i'm going to get to be happy in return. when it is i can relax and be content not to worry about whether she did something to wrong me or our relationship, because i know that nothing can stand in the way as long as we are honest and open about our problems? too many questions with no answers, too much to worry about, too much anticipation with no resolution. all there is now is to wait and hope for her to come to reason soon.