Feldman knows his shit:"I just want to be happy here, sometime."
Driving, and then later on the train, I thought about myself (traffic jams'll do that to a gal). I've come to a few somewhat specific revelations.
a) I don't know a good thing when it hits me. And if I do recognize how wonderful it is, I don't know how to hang on to it. I lack the ability to just go ahead, jump right in and say "Ok, this is a good thing. This suits me and I can handle that". I have stuck myself very oddly between a rock and a hard place. Either I think something better will come along which is more deserving of me (trust me, I have no idea where this self righteous attitude is founded!) OR I think I am undeserving of such a fortune and think it's trickery of some sort. This epiphany came upon my finding a perfect parking stall no less than two seconds into pulling into the lot. Yet, for some reason, I figure [i]'hey, there'll be a better spot that's closer and easier to get to'[/i]. There wasn't. By the time I'd looped back to the original perfection, a smarter woman than I had snatched it up. This, my friend, is the story of my life.
b) This option is comes as a subset to Clarification A: I don't know how I see myself. Never do I actually hear myself say (or think) "you can do so much better", yet the thought has presence in nearly every decision I make. This may be good, y'know for the whole concept of self-love and all, but it appears both exaggerated and misplaced to me. When have I ever said I like me? All too often, I see myself as less than average and utterly unacceptable. Contradictory, indeed. Maybe, though, my berration is only justification (or the balancing of) my massive egotisitcal ideas. Perhaps I feel guilty for thinking I'm so much better than all that life has to offer, so to balance it out and let my conscience sleep a little easier, I go to the opposite extreme. A gal can hardly be accused of being selfish if people think she doesn't like a thing about herself.
c) Constantly am I being accused of being too modest. Am I? I don't like to brag about things that happen, but I also like people to know when I've done something well or to recognize me in a positive way. The attention is always good, so why not? So, is my modesty sincere or is my subconscious fucking with me (again) into actually being selfishcore (hahah, I've reached a new nerdlow) and digging for more attention...? [i]'Oh, you won MVP. Congratulations.' -'Thanks, but I don't really think I deserved it.' 'Oh, why not [insert reasons here]'.[/i] Sounds pretty tu quoque to me. (But, to be fair, I honestly don't think I deserved MVP this year. I don't know why or who else should have rightfully gotten it, I just don't think it should have been me)
d) I am destined to be unhappy. Reverting back to Clarification A (and, in a sense summing the others up), I can not see things in a positive light. Yes, I am smiling and laughing and acting out other such mannerisms, but I'm not happy with life. I'm always waiting for something more. Something bigger and better. Something that will finally make my life feel sort of somewhat complete. Yet, in a sick sense this satisfies me. I have no responsibility to keep things good and in check if they never are. If I'm never happy, never satisfied then I don't have to be responsible to myself to maintain that. Not that it should be work, nor should it be that hard if it makes me happy. Yet, as previously displayed, I have a very skewed vision of life.
Conclusion? I have no idea where I'm going to take these revelations, nor if they are valid (although I'm pretty sure they are). More than anything, this was just a temporary release of bored energy.
a) I don't know a good thing when it hits me. And if I do recognize how wonderful it is, I don't know how to hang on to it. I lack the ability to just go ahead, jump right in and say "Ok, this is a good thing. This suits me and I can handle that". I have stuck myself very oddly between a rock and a hard place. Either I think something better will come along which is more deserving of me (trust me, I have no idea where this self righteous attitude is founded!) OR I think I am undeserving of such a fortune and think it's trickery of some sort. This epiphany came upon my finding a perfect parking stall no less than two seconds into pulling into the lot. Yet, for some reason, I figure [i]'hey, there'll be a better spot that's closer and easier to get to'[/i]. There wasn't. By the time I'd looped back to the original perfection, a smarter woman than I had snatched it up. This, my friend, is the story of my life.
b) This option is comes as a subset to Clarification A: I don't know how I see myself. Never do I actually hear myself say (or think) "you can do so much better", yet the thought has presence in nearly every decision I make. This may be good, y'know for the whole concept of self-love and all, but it appears both exaggerated and misplaced to me. When have I ever said I like me? All too often, I see myself as less than average and utterly unacceptable. Contradictory, indeed. Maybe, though, my berration is only justification (or the balancing of) my massive egotisitcal ideas. Perhaps I feel guilty for thinking I'm so much better than all that life has to offer, so to balance it out and let my conscience sleep a little easier, I go to the opposite extreme. A gal can hardly be accused of being selfish if people think she doesn't like a thing about herself.
c) Constantly am I being accused of being too modest. Am I? I don't like to brag about things that happen, but I also like people to know when I've done something well or to recognize me in a positive way. The attention is always good, so why not? So, is my modesty sincere or is my subconscious fucking with me (again) into actually being selfishcore (hahah, I've reached a new nerdlow) and digging for more attention...? [i]'Oh, you won MVP. Congratulations.' -'Thanks, but I don't really think I deserved it.' 'Oh, why not [insert reasons here]'.[/i] Sounds pretty tu quoque to me. (But, to be fair, I honestly don't think I deserved MVP this year. I don't know why or who else should have rightfully gotten it, I just don't think it should have been me)
d) I am destined to be unhappy. Reverting back to Clarification A (and, in a sense summing the others up), I can not see things in a positive light. Yes, I am smiling and laughing and acting out other such mannerisms, but I'm not happy with life. I'm always waiting for something more. Something bigger and better. Something that will finally make my life feel sort of somewhat complete. Yet, in a sick sense this satisfies me. I have no responsibility to keep things good and in check if they never are. If I'm never happy, never satisfied then I don't have to be responsible to myself to maintain that. Not that it should be work, nor should it be that hard if it makes me happy. Yet, as previously displayed, I have a very skewed vision of life.
Conclusion? I have no idea where I'm going to take these revelations, nor if they are valid (although I'm pretty sure they are). More than anything, this was just a temporary release of bored energy.