The rest of my life (sorta important)
All of my journal/myspace entries fit into two catagories…
Random sillyness or emotional diatribes.
The following fits somewhat closer to the latter, I need to say somethings… mostly to myself, but I’d find comfort if my friends knew what I’m feeling right now… this is gonna be a long one, if you stick through to the end, I thank you.
So let’s begin with the story so far.
-2004
Senior year, quite honestly the happiest I’ve ever been in a school setting. I had lots of friends, was active in lots of events and had a best friend in Chris Yates, I can never thank him enough for being as good a friend as he was. I expected to have some good times trying to find my way in the world with these people by my side, my acne cleared up, I even managed to get over this girl I had a thing for because I developed feelings for someone else, I had a lot to look forward to…
That is until my brother ran into some financial trouble, the guy had two kids with a woman he couldn’t stand and had a third on the way, he needed me and my mother to help him… and through a series of events, I literally had to leave the day after graduation… so much to look forward to- all gone… It’s really hard to move when you have tears in your eyes. I honestly expected to go to college with some of those people.
-2005
This was one of my best years, I had managed to stay in contact with the majority of my friends in Florida and reconnect with some of the people I left in Virginia when I moved to Florida. This year, Cory Howard was my closest friend… he had some of his own issues but at the core, he was a good friend and I thank him. I had secured a stable job, had lots of nice things (albeit most of it I didn’t need). I wasn’t really thinking about the future, immediate gratification was something I often sought out. I still had some issues- mostly with my mother, but the fun times I had with my buddies; Dan, Jason, Eric, Colin, Corey, Jordan... allowed me to ignore those, but I couldn’t help but feel that I wasn’t growing as a person.
-2006
After I while, I decided what I wanted to do… computer animator. I was artistic, I loved video games and animation, I would be closer to my friends in Florida, and I enjoyed working toward a common goal with others. So I decided I’d go to FULLSAIL, the requirements weren’t too high, the brochure made the campus look badass, and most of all, it was away from my mother… someplace I’ve always wanted to be. So, after waiting till the last minute- I managed to secure funding, housing, and transport there. When I got there, the campus wasn’t too much to look at but the friends I made there and the experiences I had made it worth going. For a while I was doing well… but I still had issues with immediate gratification- I began to care more about partying then actually doing well in class, and I was spending my financial aid on stupid material things… this inevitably led to my downfall, I failed two classes and soon ran out of money, and due to my lack of responsibility my credit degraded to the point where I couldn’t secure the loans to continue, I was too proud to ask my mom to come get me and I was too scared to tell my roommate what happened… long story short, all my bullshit caught up with me and I ended up having to leave college with all my stuff with my roommate- it being collateral while I paid her the 2100 dollars in debt I had incurred- thankfully her parents bailed her out and she managed to continue going to school.
-2007
So here I am, my credit’s destroyed, I’m living with the one person I can’t stand, my friends have all moved on with their lives, and I’m in a town where I get called a Faggot when I walk around town. This is my darkest hour and this is where I must get some stuff off my chest…
All my life I’ve done just enough to get by. I never really gave the effort where it was needed and put my interests into such meaningless things, I never bothered to grow up… to mature… to change. I hate my life because I never put in the effort to make it worthwhile- I never told the girls I liked my feelings, I never bothered to confront myself and others… I became an escapist, I created this world inside my head where I was a hero, where I was loved and I had everything I wanted without having to sacrifice. I took events in my life and made them better inside my head. I intended to take that world inside my head and turn it into a story… for a movie, a game, or something.
I had put so much effort into such meaningless things that my life has spiraled down into a horrible stagnation of comfort and fantasy. This place, Greencove is dead… there’s nothing here for me, if I don’t change, If I don’t sacrifice the things that can’t love me back, if I don’t grow up, if I don’t try… I’m going to wake up and wonder why I never did anything with my life… I’m going to be as dead as this place. I don’t want to wake up with a wonderful fantasy in my head and having to live such a meaningless life.
I’m tired of being a machine that just feeds off feelings, I’m tired of lying to myself, pretending that it’s okay to just make it, tired of talking with friends and the girl I like online just to have those good feelings I had in high school- they moved on with their lives and I have to too, I’m tired of living my life inside my head and just surviving in my actual life.
I have to let go of the past, I have to change, and this is where it starts.
My fantasy dies tonight… or I will.
LESS THAN JAKE
"The Rest Of My Life"
I fell asleep last Saturday
Underneath polluted skies
I walked alone on those Jersey nights, and I
Saw the boardwalk start to fall
The emptiness starts to drown
The quiet corners off this town, and I...
Late last night, I made my plans
It was the only thing I felt I could do
Said goodbye, to my best friend
Sometimes there's no one left to tell you the truth
It's gonna kill me... The rest of my life
Let me apologize while I'm still alive
I know it's hard to face all of my past mistakes
It's gonna kill me for the rest of my life
This is my all time low
Somehow it feels so familiar
Somehow it seems so familiar
I feel like letting go
And every second that goes by
I'm screaming out for a second try
Said goodbye, to my best friend
Sometimes there's no one left to tell you the truth
It's gonna kill me... The rest of my life
Let me apologize while I'm still alive
I know it's hard to face all of my past mistakes
I've got to live with them rest of my life
This is the mess I've made
These are the words I can't erase
This is my life support, shutting down, for the final time
And it twists like a blade
And kills me for the rest of my life
If you won't forgive me
The rest of my life
Let me apologize while I'm still alive
I know it's hard to face all of my past mistakes
It's gonna kill me for the rest of my life...
Random sillyness or emotional diatribes.
The following fits somewhat closer to the latter, I need to say somethings… mostly to myself, but I’d find comfort if my friends knew what I’m feeling right now… this is gonna be a long one, if you stick through to the end, I thank you.
So let’s begin with the story so far.
-2004
Senior year, quite honestly the happiest I’ve ever been in a school setting. I had lots of friends, was active in lots of events and had a best friend in Chris Yates, I can never thank him enough for being as good a friend as he was. I expected to have some good times trying to find my way in the world with these people by my side, my acne cleared up, I even managed to get over this girl I had a thing for because I developed feelings for someone else, I had a lot to look forward to…
That is until my brother ran into some financial trouble, the guy had two kids with a woman he couldn’t stand and had a third on the way, he needed me and my mother to help him… and through a series of events, I literally had to leave the day after graduation… so much to look forward to- all gone… It’s really hard to move when you have tears in your eyes. I honestly expected to go to college with some of those people.
-2005
This was one of my best years, I had managed to stay in contact with the majority of my friends in Florida and reconnect with some of the people I left in Virginia when I moved to Florida. This year, Cory Howard was my closest friend… he had some of his own issues but at the core, he was a good friend and I thank him. I had secured a stable job, had lots of nice things (albeit most of it I didn’t need). I wasn’t really thinking about the future, immediate gratification was something I often sought out. I still had some issues- mostly with my mother, but the fun times I had with my buddies; Dan, Jason, Eric, Colin, Corey, Jordan... allowed me to ignore those, but I couldn’t help but feel that I wasn’t growing as a person.
-2006
After I while, I decided what I wanted to do… computer animator. I was artistic, I loved video games and animation, I would be closer to my friends in Florida, and I enjoyed working toward a common goal with others. So I decided I’d go to FULLSAIL, the requirements weren’t too high, the brochure made the campus look badass, and most of all, it was away from my mother… someplace I’ve always wanted to be. So, after waiting till the last minute- I managed to secure funding, housing, and transport there. When I got there, the campus wasn’t too much to look at but the friends I made there and the experiences I had made it worth going. For a while I was doing well… but I still had issues with immediate gratification- I began to care more about partying then actually doing well in class, and I was spending my financial aid on stupid material things… this inevitably led to my downfall, I failed two classes and soon ran out of money, and due to my lack of responsibility my credit degraded to the point where I couldn’t secure the loans to continue, I was too proud to ask my mom to come get me and I was too scared to tell my roommate what happened… long story short, all my bullshit caught up with me and I ended up having to leave college with all my stuff with my roommate- it being collateral while I paid her the 2100 dollars in debt I had incurred- thankfully her parents bailed her out and she managed to continue going to school.
-2007
So here I am, my credit’s destroyed, I’m living with the one person I can’t stand, my friends have all moved on with their lives, and I’m in a town where I get called a Faggot when I walk around town. This is my darkest hour and this is where I must get some stuff off my chest…
All my life I’ve done just enough to get by. I never really gave the effort where it was needed and put my interests into such meaningless things, I never bothered to grow up… to mature… to change. I hate my life because I never put in the effort to make it worthwhile- I never told the girls I liked my feelings, I never bothered to confront myself and others… I became an escapist, I created this world inside my head where I was a hero, where I was loved and I had everything I wanted without having to sacrifice. I took events in my life and made them better inside my head. I intended to take that world inside my head and turn it into a story… for a movie, a game, or something.
I had put so much effort into such meaningless things that my life has spiraled down into a horrible stagnation of comfort and fantasy. This place, Greencove is dead… there’s nothing here for me, if I don’t change, If I don’t sacrifice the things that can’t love me back, if I don’t grow up, if I don’t try… I’m going to wake up and wonder why I never did anything with my life… I’m going to be as dead as this place. I don’t want to wake up with a wonderful fantasy in my head and having to live such a meaningless life.
I’m tired of being a machine that just feeds off feelings, I’m tired of lying to myself, pretending that it’s okay to just make it, tired of talking with friends and the girl I like online just to have those good feelings I had in high school- they moved on with their lives and I have to too, I’m tired of living my life inside my head and just surviving in my actual life.
I have to let go of the past, I have to change, and this is where it starts.
My fantasy dies tonight… or I will.
LESS THAN JAKE
"The Rest Of My Life"
I fell asleep last Saturday
Underneath polluted skies
I walked alone on those Jersey nights, and I
Saw the boardwalk start to fall
The emptiness starts to drown
The quiet corners off this town, and I...
Late last night, I made my plans
It was the only thing I felt I could do
Said goodbye, to my best friend
Sometimes there's no one left to tell you the truth
It's gonna kill me... The rest of my life
Let me apologize while I'm still alive
I know it's hard to face all of my past mistakes
It's gonna kill me for the rest of my life
This is my all time low
Somehow it feels so familiar
Somehow it seems so familiar
I feel like letting go
And every second that goes by
I'm screaming out for a second try
Said goodbye, to my best friend
Sometimes there's no one left to tell you the truth
It's gonna kill me... The rest of my life
Let me apologize while I'm still alive
I know it's hard to face all of my past mistakes
I've got to live with them rest of my life
This is the mess I've made
These are the words I can't erase
This is my life support, shutting down, for the final time
And it twists like a blade
And kills me for the rest of my life
If you won't forgive me
The rest of my life
Let me apologize while I'm still alive
I know it's hard to face all of my past mistakes
It's gonna kill me for the rest of my life...