Survior!
Its the season for spooky stuff so I wanted to post something fun for everyone to enjoy! So ENJOY!
Barbara and Stacy’s Guide to Horror Survival
1) A Killer On The Loose
You and your friends have decided to go on a vacation! How wonderfully fun! But wait! You are going to an area where a lake is haunted, a killer has been hanging out or some dude was burned to death, hmmm you better be careful and follow these simple steps.
1) If you decide to stupidly visit said haunted location, please remember that your cries of pleasure, moans and other various noises that you have while sexing it up will wake the dead, which will piss them off. So please remember caution as you ride your boyfriend like a cowgirl. Addendum: Doing drugs, being naked and using bad language will also piss them off, so try to avoid that as well.
2) If you do make those lovely noises (or as the addendum says be an idiot and get naked, do drugs or swear) please remember that the killer can (and will) get into the house unseen, so remember to stick close to the large group or several people you are with for safety and don’t fall asleep as the Killer is like a Lion and will grab the little sick elk that moves away from the herd.
3) If you or one of the others DO decide to go investigate said noises that the killer makes, please remember to take a HUGE ass weapon with you. Preferably something long- range (like a gun, bow and arrow, bazooka or missile launcher) because short range weapons will draw you too close to the killer which will lead to the ultimate ass kicking.
4) Do not let yourself become boxed in. Don’t run to any corners or rooms without windows. The bathroom is the worst spot to hide because the killer will find you and kick your ass up between your ears.
5) At some point, if everyone has separated from the group, you are probably going to find a body or two. Don’t scream. The killer is probably right behind you and will stab you if you scream and draw attention to yourself because you are drawing attention to the killer too and said killer can’t risk someone with a bigger weapon appearing and kicking the killer’s ass instead of the other way around.
6) But of course because the house is dark, silent and spooky you or others are going to go check out the noises without the use of a weapon (or you are going to carry the weakest piece of shit weapon in the world) so then the killer is going to rush out at you in the darkness toting the HUGE ass weapon I suggested in the first place! You then have 2 options!
A: You are going to go at the killer with the weak ass weapon, manage to stun him for a second and then drop the weapon and run OR stand there like a fool and stare at the body until it gets back up and proceeds to hack you to death.
B: You are going to manage to hold on to the weapon and run with it! If you do that, you are still alive and can move on to phase two! YAY!
2) RUN BITCH RUN!
You got out of the house alive! You did everything right! Now you are running for your life! Hopefully you have some friends behind you because that means you stayed with the group. Either way, follows these steps to see the sun rise.
1) At this stage of the game, if you are not partially undressed from all the sex you have been having, you might want to consider doing so to help you run faster. Remember to remove all tight clothing, clothing that can snag at the wrong moment and high heels. But don’t throw away both high heels because one might be an effective weapon later.
2) Also remember that this is the time where the staying in a group thing is going to be the one thing that gets you killed. So don’t be afraid to knock your friends over or out run them. And ignore their cries of fright or pain; you can’t really afford to get distracted at this point.
3 ) OMG You are winning!
OK! You have successfully managed to knock over people and get in the lead. Behind you, you have left a trail of bodies or bleeding people. But don’t worry, the main highway is in front of you, sadly, this is also where it gets the most dangerous!
1) At this point, a car is going to try and pick you up. Don’t get into the car unless you know for sure that the killer is behind you. Otherwise, the killer is going to be hiding in the trunk, backseat or bed if it’s a truck. Don’t ask how the killer knows which car you are going to jump into because we don’t know!
2) If the killer does decide to hitch a ride with you and your new friend, the new friend is going to die. So you will have to take control of the car. Remember to stay calm and don’t crash the car, you don’t want to die this late in the game. A few quick maneuvers that would make Dale Earnhardt cheer and the killer will fall off the car so you can proceed to run over said killer. But remember! The killer is never dead so don’t be surprised after you run the killer over that the killer is hanging onto the car ready to kill you again. Repeat the first part and hope for the best.
3) OK! The killer was ran over and laid stunned in the middle of the road. You made it to the police station, they believed your crazy story. They went out to look at the spot you were at and 2 things happened
A: They found the killer, and either killed him or drug his ass to jail. If he is an unstoppable killing machine, as soon as he gets to jail he is going to massacre everyone including you. Sorry about that, better luck next time.
B: They didn’t find the body; the killer is still on the loose and probably waiting for you back at your house. In that case, move to a new town, pick a new name and hope to god the killer never finds you. If the killer does find you well then you are going to die. Sorry and better luck next time.
I hope you have enjoyed this guide, GOOD luck to you!
Barbara and Stacy’s Guide to Horror Survival
1) A Killer On The Loose
You and your friends have decided to go on a vacation! How wonderfully fun! But wait! You are going to an area where a lake is haunted, a killer has been hanging out or some dude was burned to death, hmmm you better be careful and follow these simple steps.
1) If you decide to stupidly visit said haunted location, please remember that your cries of pleasure, moans and other various noises that you have while sexing it up will wake the dead, which will piss them off. So please remember caution as you ride your boyfriend like a cowgirl. Addendum: Doing drugs, being naked and using bad language will also piss them off, so try to avoid that as well.
2) If you do make those lovely noises (or as the addendum says be an idiot and get naked, do drugs or swear) please remember that the killer can (and will) get into the house unseen, so remember to stick close to the large group or several people you are with for safety and don’t fall asleep as the Killer is like a Lion and will grab the little sick elk that moves away from the herd.
3) If you or one of the others DO decide to go investigate said noises that the killer makes, please remember to take a HUGE ass weapon with you. Preferably something long- range (like a gun, bow and arrow, bazooka or missile launcher) because short range weapons will draw you too close to the killer which will lead to the ultimate ass kicking.
4) Do not let yourself become boxed in. Don’t run to any corners or rooms without windows. The bathroom is the worst spot to hide because the killer will find you and kick your ass up between your ears.
5) At some point, if everyone has separated from the group, you are probably going to find a body or two. Don’t scream. The killer is probably right behind you and will stab you if you scream and draw attention to yourself because you are drawing attention to the killer too and said killer can’t risk someone with a bigger weapon appearing and kicking the killer’s ass instead of the other way around.
6) But of course because the house is dark, silent and spooky you or others are going to go check out the noises without the use of a weapon (or you are going to carry the weakest piece of shit weapon in the world) so then the killer is going to rush out at you in the darkness toting the HUGE ass weapon I suggested in the first place! You then have 2 options!
A: You are going to go at the killer with the weak ass weapon, manage to stun him for a second and then drop the weapon and run OR stand there like a fool and stare at the body until it gets back up and proceeds to hack you to death.
B: You are going to manage to hold on to the weapon and run with it! If you do that, you are still alive and can move on to phase two! YAY!
2) RUN BITCH RUN!
You got out of the house alive! You did everything right! Now you are running for your life! Hopefully you have some friends behind you because that means you stayed with the group. Either way, follows these steps to see the sun rise.
1) At this stage of the game, if you are not partially undressed from all the sex you have been having, you might want to consider doing so to help you run faster. Remember to remove all tight clothing, clothing that can snag at the wrong moment and high heels. But don’t throw away both high heels because one might be an effective weapon later.
2) Also remember that this is the time where the staying in a group thing is going to be the one thing that gets you killed. So don’t be afraid to knock your friends over or out run them. And ignore their cries of fright or pain; you can’t really afford to get distracted at this point.
3 ) OMG You are winning!
OK! You have successfully managed to knock over people and get in the lead. Behind you, you have left a trail of bodies or bleeding people. But don’t worry, the main highway is in front of you, sadly, this is also where it gets the most dangerous!
1) At this point, a car is going to try and pick you up. Don’t get into the car unless you know for sure that the killer is behind you. Otherwise, the killer is going to be hiding in the trunk, backseat or bed if it’s a truck. Don’t ask how the killer knows which car you are going to jump into because we don’t know!
2) If the killer does decide to hitch a ride with you and your new friend, the new friend is going to die. So you will have to take control of the car. Remember to stay calm and don’t crash the car, you don’t want to die this late in the game. A few quick maneuvers that would make Dale Earnhardt cheer and the killer will fall off the car so you can proceed to run over said killer. But remember! The killer is never dead so don’t be surprised after you run the killer over that the killer is hanging onto the car ready to kill you again. Repeat the first part and hope for the best.
3) OK! The killer was ran over and laid stunned in the middle of the road. You made it to the police station, they believed your crazy story. They went out to look at the spot you were at and 2 things happened
A: They found the killer, and either killed him or drug his ass to jail. If he is an unstoppable killing machine, as soon as he gets to jail he is going to massacre everyone including you. Sorry about that, better luck next time.
B: They didn’t find the body; the killer is still on the loose and probably waiting for you back at your house. In that case, move to a new town, pick a new name and hope to god the killer never finds you. If the killer does find you well then you are going to die. Sorry and better luck next time.
I hope you have enjoyed this guide, GOOD luck to you!