"I want to see movies of my dreams..
right now there is no song to explain how i feel. i'm doing it again. that thing, where i break my own heart before i let anyone else do it. i set myself up for the broken heart and worry to the point that its wounded within my own efforts. i can't explain why i do that, nor do i know how to stop myself from doing it. things start. in my mind they don't go how i thought they would, so then in my mind i warp it all to the worst case scenario and i've already broken my own heart. it happens with the tears that come out for no reason. no reason at all. just the reason that i am being ridiculously emotional. i'm too scared of love at the moment. i am too scared of anything leading up to that feeling. i tend to wound my own heart. its so fragile in so many ways i can't begin to comprehend it. i've been hurt and i have hurt others. this is life. this is love. no way around it.
i worry too much. i know i do. i worry until what i am worrying about is all worried out and disappears out of merely being annoyed with my worry.
ok I found a song, it sort of works:
"Kind of upset
But I shouldn't be
When things go smoothly, invent problems
In my stupid head
What's wrong with getting by on what gets you by
I know it's no big deal
But why do I feel stupid when head my is happy?
What happened to my imagination?
How can things be so un-intense?
Can I arrange to be deranged?
Can I arrange to have a change of thought?
I might be there
Forgot the shortcut there
I know I won't be there
Forgot the shortcut there
Thought I might be there
Thought I was already there but
forgot the shortcut there
I know I won't be there
I know I've never been there
Forgot the shortcut there"
- Built to Spill "Shortcut"
i get upset about stupid things that i don't even need to be upset about. then i let vulnerabilty arise and someone sees that i am upset and it makes me more upset. i try to be strong. but i am not trying hard enough. i feel like i am never trying hard enough for you, and most of all for myself. patience. i know what it is. too much time to think for my brain, leads to feeling: insecure. so i'm insecure. i'm new at some of this "taking it slowly" stuff because so many others in the past have sad something like that to me and not followed through, so i sort of expect no follow through. it shocks and hits me in a rough spot, yet a good spot when someone actually follows through with that when they say "lets take it slowly, i don't want to get hurt." i'll work on putting my guard up for you, so we are on the same page, not for you, per say, but more so for me.
i like you damnit. parts of me wish i didn't. because this is hard. but good things take effort and i want to make that effort because i think you are one of a kind and i don't want to mess up or pass up a chance to get to know you. why am i saying this all in my blog? because i needed to let it out. i'm getting feisty in my head, crabby in my heart. its probably time for bed.
i worry too much. i know i do. i worry until what i am worrying about is all worried out and disappears out of merely being annoyed with my worry.
ok I found a song, it sort of works:
"Kind of upset
But I shouldn't be
When things go smoothly, invent problems
In my stupid head
What's wrong with getting by on what gets you by
I know it's no big deal
But why do I feel stupid when head my is happy?
What happened to my imagination?
How can things be so un-intense?
Can I arrange to be deranged?
Can I arrange to have a change of thought?
I might be there
Forgot the shortcut there
I know I won't be there
Forgot the shortcut there
Thought I might be there
Thought I was already there but
forgot the shortcut there
I know I won't be there
I know I've never been there
Forgot the shortcut there"
- Built to Spill "Shortcut"
i get upset about stupid things that i don't even need to be upset about. then i let vulnerabilty arise and someone sees that i am upset and it makes me more upset. i try to be strong. but i am not trying hard enough. i feel like i am never trying hard enough for you, and most of all for myself. patience. i know what it is. too much time to think for my brain, leads to feeling: insecure. so i'm insecure. i'm new at some of this "taking it slowly" stuff because so many others in the past have sad something like that to me and not followed through, so i sort of expect no follow through. it shocks and hits me in a rough spot, yet a good spot when someone actually follows through with that when they say "lets take it slowly, i don't want to get hurt." i'll work on putting my guard up for you, so we are on the same page, not for you, per say, but more so for me.
i like you damnit. parts of me wish i didn't. because this is hard. but good things take effort and i want to make that effort because i think you are one of a kind and i don't want to mess up or pass up a chance to get to know you. why am i saying this all in my blog? because i needed to let it out. i'm getting feisty in my head, crabby in my heart. its probably time for bed.