Verizon Develops Ringtones Only Lesbians Can Hear
NEW YORK, NY - Verizon Wireless released a ring tone last week that modulates at a frequency only lesbians can hear. Available via downloading from the internet, the ring tone named the “Vibrator,” has already been accessed by approximately 10% of Verizon Wireless customers, although some data suggests the number is closer to 3%.
The Vibrator, which hums at a whopping 15 kilohertz, was discovered accidentally at the Verizon research labs by Dr. Joan Larkin.
“Three months ago, I was listening to a kd lang CD while working on some recording tests. My now-ex partner called. We got into a fight and let me tell you, her voice can crack glass. Somehow, her shrieking was recording simultaneously with “Miss Chatelaine.” After I hung up on her, I was so upset, I accidentally increased the playback speed by a factor of ten. The result was a strangely pitched humming that I had never heard before.”
Dr. Larkin then observed something no one could have imagined. “Within minutes, three women were at my doorway: a woman from our IT department, a sales associate I dated once, and the UPS driver. I knew I was onto something.”
The new tone has already had unexpected consequences. The WNBA recently banned cell phone use during its games after a New York Liberty game was canceled in the first half after the number of Vibrator ring tones going off inside Madison Square Garden reached critical mass and shattered the Jumbotron.
Dr. Larkin announced she would be leaving Verizon at the end of the month to work on a private project - a tone that only heterosexual men can hear. Similar to the new tone developed to prevent loitering that only teens can hear, Dr. Larkin sees similar possibilities in her work.
The ultrasonic tone, which Dr. Larkin intends to call “Get Lost,” will drive straight men away from its source up to 30 feet. “Men trying to buy us drinks, striking up unwanted conversations, it's all such a nuisance. ‘Get Lost' will let us control our surroundings like never before.”
In addition, Dr. Larkin foresees farther reaching applications. “The last time I went to Provincetown, there were an inordinate number of straight people. I hope to have a prototype by Carnival Week.”
from fakegaynews.com
The Vibrator, which hums at a whopping 15 kilohertz, was discovered accidentally at the Verizon research labs by Dr. Joan Larkin.
“Three months ago, I was listening to a kd lang CD while working on some recording tests. My now-ex partner called. We got into a fight and let me tell you, her voice can crack glass. Somehow, her shrieking was recording simultaneously with “Miss Chatelaine.” After I hung up on her, I was so upset, I accidentally increased the playback speed by a factor of ten. The result was a strangely pitched humming that I had never heard before.”
Dr. Larkin then observed something no one could have imagined. “Within minutes, three women were at my doorway: a woman from our IT department, a sales associate I dated once, and the UPS driver. I knew I was onto something.”
The new tone has already had unexpected consequences. The WNBA recently banned cell phone use during its games after a New York Liberty game was canceled in the first half after the number of Vibrator ring tones going off inside Madison Square Garden reached critical mass and shattered the Jumbotron.
Dr. Larkin announced she would be leaving Verizon at the end of the month to work on a private project - a tone that only heterosexual men can hear. Similar to the new tone developed to prevent loitering that only teens can hear, Dr. Larkin sees similar possibilities in her work.
The ultrasonic tone, which Dr. Larkin intends to call “Get Lost,” will drive straight men away from its source up to 30 feet. “Men trying to buy us drinks, striking up unwanted conversations, it's all such a nuisance. ‘Get Lost' will let us control our surroundings like never before.”
In addition, Dr. Larkin foresees farther reaching applications. “The last time I went to Provincetown, there were an inordinate number of straight people. I hope to have a prototype by Carnival Week.”
from fakegaynews.com