(no subject)
Current frustrations:
Mind you, the contentness on living on this benefit is because i'm too stupid half the time to remember to call about things when i need to. It's not like i'm incapable of doing things, in fact half the time i feel so angry at myself because there's so much i want and need to do.. but i need people to remind me what i want, and what i need to accomplish.
This domain name of mine it's only been around two weeks so i can't complain too much, and plus i plan on keeping it for a good long while i just need to come up with some DAMN solid plans on how to work things. And what and how i want to work them. Because right now i don't have hosting, or i do but it's ad supported. Which is fine to an extent... Cept that anything that's a frame or an iframe the google ads come back.
and the 15 hours ahead issue?
There are nights where i will feel desperatley alone, bored and lonley. and my mom will just say suck it up and find someone here to hang out with.. I don't mind that, but i want to be with my two best friends, i want to figure life out with them for what it's really worth. NOT JUST being stuck in dunedin and doing nothing for the rest of my life.
I will get a job, and i will make it out of here. I just need to think about it responsibly.
I'm working on the national certificate in computing lvl 2, which is PEANUTS compared to the diploma i was going for... but if i got three certificates under my belt in under six months i could be so fucking proud to have just completed something. EVEN IF I ONLY COMPLETE THE ONE. I only have 20 credits until i can reach the lvl 2 graduation.
...let this be a door opener into a new path in my life.
Let this be the thing that reminds me what i need to do.
Let things work, i'm starting to annoy Rob with my hissy fits lol... i get bored, i get lonley and i get overtired and i think too much about things.
Today was the first time i thought about Maria in a really GOOD light, though i'll probaby never talk to her... and stuff... again... Cause. .. oh so wonderfully i'd freak out. I know there'd be a slew of responses about how i shouldn't and that she's just a person, and she is... but i'm just ... i'm still sorting who i am out.. Maria was still doing the same thing after we broke up, in a much higher level and you know ... Obake made me realize that this stuff is out there for me to learn.. and Much like my mom but in a different subject, i can be very naive and pollyanna about that sort of ....area in life. not the trans stuff, that is just cause i'm nto ready to go back there : ) (Trust me, i'd freak if i saw Paula :P )
No, i mean the bits and bobs about the elves, the vampires the angels.. the demons...
I"m just grasping reincarnation..
that opened the pandora's box and my proverbial closet fell apart on me.. and laetly i feel sometimes a bit overwhelmed with everything. Which fuels my want and need to climb out of the pile of whatever, and pick the pieces up and study them. Because no conventional website or book is gonna teach me this shit.
Audibly through the vocal chords of anyone who goes through these things...
Is how the story gets passed on.
I wish i just knew how to understand the full language of this story.
- Owning a domain name and knowing nothing of what to do with it, and tinkering with it like it's some toy. (I'm watching my business ideas float away on a mast over to someone who's a bit more responsible.)
- Installing applications on said domain that will never get understood...
- Living in dunedin which is on the whole more than 15 hours ahead of the US.. meaning when most of my friends get up for work, i'm just going to bed on a friday night.
- Living in a place where technology just isn't up to scratch
- Living somewhere, where it's becoming easy to be content living on a benefit while my chance of leaving to go back home becomes entirley slim.
Mind you, the contentness on living on this benefit is because i'm too stupid half the time to remember to call about things when i need to. It's not like i'm incapable of doing things, in fact half the time i feel so angry at myself because there's so much i want and need to do.. but i need people to remind me what i want, and what i need to accomplish.
This domain name of mine it's only been around two weeks so i can't complain too much, and plus i plan on keeping it for a good long while i just need to come up with some DAMN solid plans on how to work things. And what and how i want to work them. Because right now i don't have hosting, or i do but it's ad supported. Which is fine to an extent... Cept that anything that's a frame or an iframe the google ads come back.
and the 15 hours ahead issue?
There are nights where i will feel desperatley alone, bored and lonley. and my mom will just say suck it up and find someone here to hang out with.. I don't mind that, but i want to be with my two best friends, i want to figure life out with them for what it's really worth. NOT JUST being stuck in dunedin and doing nothing for the rest of my life.
I will get a job, and i will make it out of here. I just need to think about it responsibly.
I'm working on the national certificate in computing lvl 2, which is PEANUTS compared to the diploma i was going for... but if i got three certificates under my belt in under six months i could be so fucking proud to have just completed something. EVEN IF I ONLY COMPLETE THE ONE. I only have 20 credits until i can reach the lvl 2 graduation.
...let this be a door opener into a new path in my life.
Let this be the thing that reminds me what i need to do.
Let things work, i'm starting to annoy Rob with my hissy fits lol... i get bored, i get lonley and i get overtired and i think too much about things.
Today was the first time i thought about Maria in a really GOOD light, though i'll probaby never talk to her... and stuff... again... Cause. .. oh so wonderfully i'd freak out. I know there'd be a slew of responses about how i shouldn't and that she's just a person, and she is... but i'm just ... i'm still sorting who i am out.. Maria was still doing the same thing after we broke up, in a much higher level and you know ... Obake made me realize that this stuff is out there for me to learn.. and Much like my mom but in a different subject, i can be very naive and pollyanna about that sort of ....area in life. not the trans stuff, that is just cause i'm nto ready to go back there : ) (Trust me, i'd freak if i saw Paula :P )
No, i mean the bits and bobs about the elves, the vampires the angels.. the demons...
I"m just grasping reincarnation..
that opened the pandora's box and my proverbial closet fell apart on me.. and laetly i feel sometimes a bit overwhelmed with everything. Which fuels my want and need to climb out of the pile of whatever, and pick the pieces up and study them. Because no conventional website or book is gonna teach me this shit.
Audibly through the vocal chords of anyone who goes through these things...
Is how the story gets passed on.
I wish i just knew how to understand the full language of this story.