..
sometimes i think that all my friends have abandoned me, and that i'm on my own.
sometimes i think that my life is so horrible, because i can't pay my bills, or because i'm not making any money, or because people are rude to me all day, or because someone said something to me that hurt my feelings.
sometimes i think that tomorrow can only get better, when it just gets worse.
but then i hear what other people are going through. and my life seems a lot better.
i stepped back and took a good hard look at it today.
i have my own apartment, even if i can't pay the bills sometimes, and i need a few extra days to get things done because i'm never here, and i need a second job to support it, and my air conditioning unit is right above my shower and someday it might decide to fall down on top of me and they'll find me a naked wet bloody mess, and it's haunted, i have my own apartment.
i have all the furniture and stuff in it i could ever need, even if i am continually buying things, and sooner or later i won't have any more room to store things and i'll end up just like my mom with piles of stuff laying around everywhere because i'll have too much stuff and too little time to do anything with it, and even if i can't rearrange any of the furniture because there's actually no room anymore to move anything but that's okay because i like where things are right now, and even if i have a complete desk that's laying in 50 pieces because kristin's mom is on crack and likes giving me things like that and drawing me a picture of what the desk should look like and assuming i'll figure it out in no time even when i don't know which pieces go with which, i have enough furniture and stuff for a lifetime.
i have family that i barely talk to, and yet still care about me so much they'd give their life for me, even when sometimes it seems like they won't support me or a certain cause i feel needs to be expressed, and when i really need money for something and i ask them and they tell me they're afraid to help me for fear i'll dig myself a deeper hole with what they'd give me, but in the end i'm grateful for each time they don't give me what i want, because i've learned to live without it, and if i really need it, i've learned to get it on my own, without depending on anyone else for it, i love my family.
i have my own cat, even if i have to tie together 8 pieces of twisty ties to wrap around the cabinet handles to keep him from getting into dangerous things, and i have to put all the things i would normally keep on top of my fridge in cabinets to keep him from knocking them off and breaking them, and i have to keep my apartment impeccably clean to keep him from eating things he shouldn't, or destroying things i need, i have my own cat.
i have a great computer, even if i hate it and want to shove my fists through the monitor sometimes, and i refuse to delete things that are 5 years old so i continually need more space, and i desperately need more ram when it takes 10 minutes to open photoshop, i have a great computer.
i have skills. granted, they're not anything super-extraordinary, but i have web-designing skills, and i have the skill to stay up all night cleaning without getting burnt out or frustrated, and i have the skill to listen to all my friends complaints even when they don't listen to mine and i have to keep all my problems locked up inside of me till i have that one breakdown every once in a while that sends me spiraling into epiphanies such as this, i have skills.
i have three good friends i would die for, even if sometimes they're not always there for me, because of their own personal problems, and even if they're all hotter than me and going out with them is like stabbing myself with thousands of small needles, and even if i get people that refuse to talk to me when i'm around said friend, i have THREE great friends that i would die for. three is more than none.
i like myself, even when i feel fat, or ugly, and even when i'm depressed and don't want to go out, or in so much emotional pain i can't put a smile on my face and deal with customers, no matter how much i need the money, and even when sometimes i want to look at someone and burst into tears because i think i have the world's biggest problems, and even when someone tells me something that makes me reconsider what i do, and i hate them for it, and even when i open my mouth too much to alienate a really good friend, so much so that they may never talk to me again, and i hate myself for it, that eventually goes away, and all in all, i like myself.
i've always said i won't live to see 30.
if that's true, i have less than seven years to enjoy as much as possible about LIFE. seven years is not long. but when can i possibly find time to do everything i want to do?
i don't have the money to do more than 75% of the things i can cross off my list to be happy, and i don't have the time away from working to step away from things and do the other 25%.
so the best i can do is try to live life as best as possible, even when i have to work all day, even when i'm bored and don't have the money to do anything besides sitting in front of my computer or cleaning my apartment, even on laundry day, errand day, cleaning the litter box day, doing favors for people that i don't really want to be doing day, talking to people that i really don't want to be talking to day, listening to music that i don't enjoy day, putting on my makeup day, sleeping all day day, going out to eat and paying 50 dollars for a meal just so i can be waited on for once day, reading a good book day, rainy days, sunny days, cold days, hot days, garage sale days, end of the month and money to blow shopping days, drinking days, hangover days, meeting new people days, losing an old friend days, missing someone days, crying into my pillow days, talking on the phone all day days, visiting with strange relative days, holidays, and every other normal day.
that's my mantra.
sometimes i think that my life is so horrible, because i can't pay my bills, or because i'm not making any money, or because people are rude to me all day, or because someone said something to me that hurt my feelings.
sometimes i think that tomorrow can only get better, when it just gets worse.
but then i hear what other people are going through. and my life seems a lot better.
i stepped back and took a good hard look at it today.
i have my own apartment, even if i can't pay the bills sometimes, and i need a few extra days to get things done because i'm never here, and i need a second job to support it, and my air conditioning unit is right above my shower and someday it might decide to fall down on top of me and they'll find me a naked wet bloody mess, and it's haunted, i have my own apartment.
i have all the furniture and stuff in it i could ever need, even if i am continually buying things, and sooner or later i won't have any more room to store things and i'll end up just like my mom with piles of stuff laying around everywhere because i'll have too much stuff and too little time to do anything with it, and even if i can't rearrange any of the furniture because there's actually no room anymore to move anything but that's okay because i like where things are right now, and even if i have a complete desk that's laying in 50 pieces because kristin's mom is on crack and likes giving me things like that and drawing me a picture of what the desk should look like and assuming i'll figure it out in no time even when i don't know which pieces go with which, i have enough furniture and stuff for a lifetime.
i have family that i barely talk to, and yet still care about me so much they'd give their life for me, even when sometimes it seems like they won't support me or a certain cause i feel needs to be expressed, and when i really need money for something and i ask them and they tell me they're afraid to help me for fear i'll dig myself a deeper hole with what they'd give me, but in the end i'm grateful for each time they don't give me what i want, because i've learned to live without it, and if i really need it, i've learned to get it on my own, without depending on anyone else for it, i love my family.
i have my own cat, even if i have to tie together 8 pieces of twisty ties to wrap around the cabinet handles to keep him from getting into dangerous things, and i have to put all the things i would normally keep on top of my fridge in cabinets to keep him from knocking them off and breaking them, and i have to keep my apartment impeccably clean to keep him from eating things he shouldn't, or destroying things i need, i have my own cat.
i have a great computer, even if i hate it and want to shove my fists through the monitor sometimes, and i refuse to delete things that are 5 years old so i continually need more space, and i desperately need more ram when it takes 10 minutes to open photoshop, i have a great computer.
i have skills. granted, they're not anything super-extraordinary, but i have web-designing skills, and i have the skill to stay up all night cleaning without getting burnt out or frustrated, and i have the skill to listen to all my friends complaints even when they don't listen to mine and i have to keep all my problems locked up inside of me till i have that one breakdown every once in a while that sends me spiraling into epiphanies such as this, i have skills.
i have three good friends i would die for, even if sometimes they're not always there for me, because of their own personal problems, and even if they're all hotter than me and going out with them is like stabbing myself with thousands of small needles, and even if i get people that refuse to talk to me when i'm around said friend, i have THREE great friends that i would die for. three is more than none.
i like myself, even when i feel fat, or ugly, and even when i'm depressed and don't want to go out, or in so much emotional pain i can't put a smile on my face and deal with customers, no matter how much i need the money, and even when sometimes i want to look at someone and burst into tears because i think i have the world's biggest problems, and even when someone tells me something that makes me reconsider what i do, and i hate them for it, and even when i open my mouth too much to alienate a really good friend, so much so that they may never talk to me again, and i hate myself for it, that eventually goes away, and all in all, i like myself.
i've always said i won't live to see 30.
if that's true, i have less than seven years to enjoy as much as possible about LIFE. seven years is not long. but when can i possibly find time to do everything i want to do?
i don't have the money to do more than 75% of the things i can cross off my list to be happy, and i don't have the time away from working to step away from things and do the other 25%.
so the best i can do is try to live life as best as possible, even when i have to work all day, even when i'm bored and don't have the money to do anything besides sitting in front of my computer or cleaning my apartment, even on laundry day, errand day, cleaning the litter box day, doing favors for people that i don't really want to be doing day, talking to people that i really don't want to be talking to day, listening to music that i don't enjoy day, putting on my makeup day, sleeping all day day, going out to eat and paying 50 dollars for a meal just so i can be waited on for once day, reading a good book day, rainy days, sunny days, cold days, hot days, garage sale days, end of the month and money to blow shopping days, drinking days, hangover days, meeting new people days, losing an old friend days, missing someone days, crying into my pillow days, talking on the phone all day days, visiting with strange relative days, holidays, and every other normal day.
that's my mantra.