These are my words, no holds barred. Read at own risk.
So, long time no see livejournal. I suppose I'm back to just write, sort out my thoughts and everything. I just want to write without worrying about everyone and everything - so that's just what I'm going to do. at least for this post I'm going to express myself and everything I'm actually thinking and feeling and if you are reading this then you'll be prepared. If you think I might have some less then savory things to say about you, then stop reading it now. Don't torture yourself and me and walk away. I'm not going to worry about that friends only shit I did before. You can choose to read my posts or not - but I'm not going to get in fights with anyone online, about anything.
To those online who think I owe them something for some reason, god knows what, I role-played with you once, I read your story and liked it, I was in a community with you, or I modded something you were in. Let whatever it is you think I owe you go. Poof... all obligations real or imaginary... gone with the wind. We all have real lives, and I choose mine over the internet about a year and a half ago, maybe longer. What I regret is the 5 to 6 years that the internet was my life.
On to the good stuff.
My name is Jamie. I'm 26 and I've moved back in with my parents. I had an accident which resulted in me not working anymore and I haven't gotten any disability so I couldn't pay rent. Is that the only reason I moved out of my house and back here? No. I think my ex-roomie might be certifiably insane... but then I might be too. I had my room invaded at least twice a week, she would just decide something was hers and make it so, she would take things out of my room to put in main rooms, take things from main rooms to put in her room, and was the most selfish person I have ever met.
We were very good friends for a short time. We went everywhere together, slept in each others arms every night and told eachother everything. Everyone thought we were in a lesbian relationship, even my close friends. We weren't. She became my best friend in a day, and just as quickly she completely closed herself off to me. The lack of being around eachother, the forced talks and fake smiles wore me thin, and our friendship strained and she became as closed off and 'plastic' to me as she was to everyone else. Somewhere along the way our friendship snapped and we only picked at eachother. We'd just barely manage to smile at eachother, and I did my best to avoid her because I hated the fake conversation she forced on me.
In addition, she was a control freak, still is. If I was in the living-room, which was upstairs, she let me know she didn't want me there. Whether it was talking through a movie or show we were watching because I had no cable in my room (despite paying the same rent everyone else did), or changing music I had just put on the cd player while I was reading or working on something, she let me know. A few times I was even told to beat it - in nicer terms of course. Now that's not to say I was perfect in the house relationship, but I definitely felt more like I was living in a prison then a home. I paid rent when I could, even having to borrow money from the family, and it all got paid and she would always say it was fine, to pay her when I could... until the month I couldn't work.
I told her that until I saw a disability check I couldn't give her anything, probably toward the end of the month, and she said it was alright... then immediately (on the 2nd of April) started leaving nasty notes on the fridge. The one on the 8th was the last straw and I decided that was it... I was out. So, here I am. Living with my parents with no job, a permanent spine injury and no income.
The spine injury. Sitting hurts, sometimes I can barely get up from a seat. Movies kill me, sometimes I can't put on my own socks, so I don't. I despise asking for help and push myself until I'm in tears on the days that I need it. Other days it doesn't hurt at all and I feel like taking on the world. I haven't seen one of those in a while. I dropped out of physical therapy almost accidentally and need to go back. It hurts now... I'm running out of pain pills.
My hair is currently a reddish purple color that it was never meant to be, I'm sadder then I should be and probably need therapy. I'm self-sabotaging and know it, and hate it. I want good things in life: friends, a house, a nice kitchen that I cook nice food in. I want children... I don't want children. I can't decide what I want when I want something and my mind changes about who I am and where I'm going and what I want to be when I 'grow up'. I feel like crying because I'm grown up and haven't done anything with my life since... ever. I want to travel the world. I want to have a home in Colorado. I want to smile because I exist. I miss loving the people I used to love and don't anymore. I miss being in love with someone - real relationship love.
I want to write something. I really hate writing but lately it's all I'm thinking of. Writing something extraordinary. I miss my dog, Star, a lot more then I let anyone know. Thinking of her still tightens my chest and tears still overflow my eyes... She's bigger in my memory then she ever was in life. I empathize more with fictional characters then I do with real people, even friends and family. A book or movie will have me bawling, but I have an apathy toward real people that scares me sometimes. I bottle just about everything... it physically hurts to bottle the things I do feel.
My Dad has cancer... lung cancer for sure but I think more cancer then he's telling me. He got his last radiation Monday and I'm terrified beyond imagining. I know he's worse then he told me, when I talked to my friend who went and looked up the level or whatever they labeled him he told me it meant 12 months or less. My Dad's acting like it's nothing. He told us in April... maybe March? I can't remember details like that usually. I shrugged it off and have been ever since. We all act like everything is fine and normal. He still has his hair and is still stronger then I ever was, he just gets winded from doing the simplest thing now. I try not to think about it, but If I could just cry about it I probably would.
I've spent the last couple days being pretty much told I'm worthless... but I can't really do any of the heavy lifting I need to do to unpack my room and I've been too depressed to even try. My dad and my sister's boyfriend Justin are the only two who could really help me and Justin's spine is broken from a car accident when he was 15 or 16 and my dad isn't supposed to lift anything. So basically I've been being hounded constantly about not unpacking my room, which I can't really do alone. I really don't want anyone else going through my stuff though. Telling my Mom this though would just make her more angry with me. Soon I'm just not going to come downstairs anymore.
I know I need to go back to therapy, partially because my first thought when it comes to solving things lately is always my brains on the wall. I am not suicidal, but the fact that that seems to be my first mental solution to everything lately means I am one fucked up little puppy. The sad thing is even when I'm in therapy I can't tell my therapist more then half of the things I need to because I know I'll end up in a padded room somewhere.
Most of all, right now, I want to move to Colorado. I want to live in Denver or Boulder or somewhere around that area. I want to breathe that air again, feel that happy again and have my nice house there. I think the most disappointing thing is knowing that I'll probably never get there. I'll never have the money for a move like that because it will always go into what's needed now, bills, gas, food, and other necessities. I won't be able to go to school because I have to work to pay bills and I've proven to myself that I can't pull off doing both work and school, even just one class. So I'll never get the better job to get somewhere in life... I'll never have that job I want... whatever it might be.
My goal moving back was to gather enough money to move up to Maryland and live with my friend Jenna, bringing my friend Ash with me... but right now all I can think is "Colorado, that's what I want, that's going to fix everything." Then the rational part of my mind goes "Wake up fucktard. You don't even have money to get out there.. even if you did you'd be on the streets, starve to death and then you'll be dead. No house to go to, no job... Forget it." Even so... I feel like I need to go there. Now. That's why I originally started writing this post and everything else just kind of fell out of my fingers.
So, If I could find a way to move to Colorado right now? I might take it... the things keeping me here are my family and friends... how could I leave my family like they are now? How could I ever leave my friends? What answers would Colorado hold? None, right? I mean you can't answer anything just by moving, right? I don't even know what the question is... I just know that it feels right now like Colorado is the answer.
As for relationships... where do I even start? I don't think I'll ever 'qualify' for one of those. I haven't met someone in years that even interests me like that. I fear I'm one of those people that will never end up in one. Probably.
So, in the end I've decided to disable all comments to this post because frankly, bitching or scared or sympathetic or whatever - I don't want to hear it. Might post more later.
As for today... I'm taking the day off work! I'm going to call in sick, sit around and watch movies and unpack some of the stuff I can get to! Then I'm going to make graphics, drink hot cocoa no matter what the weather, set up my xbox, play some DOA and role-play.
(Nevermind that I'm not working, this is going to be a not-sick fake-out and call in day! Because I need one of those!)
To those online who think I owe them something for some reason, god knows what, I role-played with you once, I read your story and liked it, I was in a community with you, or I modded something you were in. Let whatever it is you think I owe you go. Poof... all obligations real or imaginary... gone with the wind. We all have real lives, and I choose mine over the internet about a year and a half ago, maybe longer. What I regret is the 5 to 6 years that the internet was my life.
On to the good stuff.
My name is Jamie. I'm 26 and I've moved back in with my parents. I had an accident which resulted in me not working anymore and I haven't gotten any disability so I couldn't pay rent. Is that the only reason I moved out of my house and back here? No. I think my ex-roomie might be certifiably insane... but then I might be too. I had my room invaded at least twice a week, she would just decide something was hers and make it so, she would take things out of my room to put in main rooms, take things from main rooms to put in her room, and was the most selfish person I have ever met.
We were very good friends for a short time. We went everywhere together, slept in each others arms every night and told eachother everything. Everyone thought we were in a lesbian relationship, even my close friends. We weren't. She became my best friend in a day, and just as quickly she completely closed herself off to me. The lack of being around eachother, the forced talks and fake smiles wore me thin, and our friendship strained and she became as closed off and 'plastic' to me as she was to everyone else. Somewhere along the way our friendship snapped and we only picked at eachother. We'd just barely manage to smile at eachother, and I did my best to avoid her because I hated the fake conversation she forced on me.
In addition, she was a control freak, still is. If I was in the living-room, which was upstairs, she let me know she didn't want me there. Whether it was talking through a movie or show we were watching because I had no cable in my room (despite paying the same rent everyone else did), or changing music I had just put on the cd player while I was reading or working on something, she let me know. A few times I was even told to beat it - in nicer terms of course. Now that's not to say I was perfect in the house relationship, but I definitely felt more like I was living in a prison then a home. I paid rent when I could, even having to borrow money from the family, and it all got paid and she would always say it was fine, to pay her when I could... until the month I couldn't work.
I told her that until I saw a disability check I couldn't give her anything, probably toward the end of the month, and she said it was alright... then immediately (on the 2nd of April) started leaving nasty notes on the fridge. The one on the 8th was the last straw and I decided that was it... I was out. So, here I am. Living with my parents with no job, a permanent spine injury and no income.
The spine injury. Sitting hurts, sometimes I can barely get up from a seat. Movies kill me, sometimes I can't put on my own socks, so I don't. I despise asking for help and push myself until I'm in tears on the days that I need it. Other days it doesn't hurt at all and I feel like taking on the world. I haven't seen one of those in a while. I dropped out of physical therapy almost accidentally and need to go back. It hurts now... I'm running out of pain pills.
My hair is currently a reddish purple color that it was never meant to be, I'm sadder then I should be and probably need therapy. I'm self-sabotaging and know it, and hate it. I want good things in life: friends, a house, a nice kitchen that I cook nice food in. I want children... I don't want children. I can't decide what I want when I want something and my mind changes about who I am and where I'm going and what I want to be when I 'grow up'. I feel like crying because I'm grown up and haven't done anything with my life since... ever. I want to travel the world. I want to have a home in Colorado. I want to smile because I exist. I miss loving the people I used to love and don't anymore. I miss being in love with someone - real relationship love.
I want to write something. I really hate writing but lately it's all I'm thinking of. Writing something extraordinary. I miss my dog, Star, a lot more then I let anyone know. Thinking of her still tightens my chest and tears still overflow my eyes... She's bigger in my memory then she ever was in life. I empathize more with fictional characters then I do with real people, even friends and family. A book or movie will have me bawling, but I have an apathy toward real people that scares me sometimes. I bottle just about everything... it physically hurts to bottle the things I do feel.
My Dad has cancer... lung cancer for sure but I think more cancer then he's telling me. He got his last radiation Monday and I'm terrified beyond imagining. I know he's worse then he told me, when I talked to my friend who went and looked up the level or whatever they labeled him he told me it meant 12 months or less. My Dad's acting like it's nothing. He told us in April... maybe March? I can't remember details like that usually. I shrugged it off and have been ever since. We all act like everything is fine and normal. He still has his hair and is still stronger then I ever was, he just gets winded from doing the simplest thing now. I try not to think about it, but If I could just cry about it I probably would.
I've spent the last couple days being pretty much told I'm worthless... but I can't really do any of the heavy lifting I need to do to unpack my room and I've been too depressed to even try. My dad and my sister's boyfriend Justin are the only two who could really help me and Justin's spine is broken from a car accident when he was 15 or 16 and my dad isn't supposed to lift anything. So basically I've been being hounded constantly about not unpacking my room, which I can't really do alone. I really don't want anyone else going through my stuff though. Telling my Mom this though would just make her more angry with me. Soon I'm just not going to come downstairs anymore.
I know I need to go back to therapy, partially because my first thought when it comes to solving things lately is always my brains on the wall. I am not suicidal, but the fact that that seems to be my first mental solution to everything lately means I am one fucked up little puppy. The sad thing is even when I'm in therapy I can't tell my therapist more then half of the things I need to because I know I'll end up in a padded room somewhere.
Most of all, right now, I want to move to Colorado. I want to live in Denver or Boulder or somewhere around that area. I want to breathe that air again, feel that happy again and have my nice house there. I think the most disappointing thing is knowing that I'll probably never get there. I'll never have the money for a move like that because it will always go into what's needed now, bills, gas, food, and other necessities. I won't be able to go to school because I have to work to pay bills and I've proven to myself that I can't pull off doing both work and school, even just one class. So I'll never get the better job to get somewhere in life... I'll never have that job I want... whatever it might be.
My goal moving back was to gather enough money to move up to Maryland and live with my friend Jenna, bringing my friend Ash with me... but right now all I can think is "Colorado, that's what I want, that's going to fix everything." Then the rational part of my mind goes "Wake up fucktard. You don't even have money to get out there.. even if you did you'd be on the streets, starve to death and then you'll be dead. No house to go to, no job... Forget it." Even so... I feel like I need to go there. Now. That's why I originally started writing this post and everything else just kind of fell out of my fingers.
So, If I could find a way to move to Colorado right now? I might take it... the things keeping me here are my family and friends... how could I leave my family like they are now? How could I ever leave my friends? What answers would Colorado hold? None, right? I mean you can't answer anything just by moving, right? I don't even know what the question is... I just know that it feels right now like Colorado is the answer.
As for relationships... where do I even start? I don't think I'll ever 'qualify' for one of those. I haven't met someone in years that even interests me like that. I fear I'm one of those people that will never end up in one. Probably.
So, in the end I've decided to disable all comments to this post because frankly, bitching or scared or sympathetic or whatever - I don't want to hear it. Might post more later.
As for today... I'm taking the day off work! I'm going to call in sick, sit around and watch movies and unpack some of the stuff I can get to! Then I'm going to make graphics, drink hot cocoa no matter what the weather, set up my xbox, play some DOA and role-play.
(Nevermind that I'm not working, this is going to be a not-sick fake-out and call in day! Because I need one of those!)