(no subject)
So I was thinking about this journal and how most of the stuff I post is usually too embarrassing and personal for me to publicize for the majority of the public. But sometimes I have to let it all out.
I went to my mentorship program where I mentor an adopted girl.
We had a discussion with the adoptive parents and it was really emotionally intense. So intense I really had to hold back. But honestly if I broke down crying, it would have been for my selfish needs and superficial desires. Something I continue to struggle with and am to ashamed to admit to.
Some quotes that stuck with me:
"There's always a part of my daughter's life that I'll never share." - She was referring to the ethnicity part. I can relate. There's a part of me I'll never have. The Korean part. And it kills me because everyday I'm reminded of it. I walk out of the UgLi at 2 AM and not one, but two perfectly flawless Korean couples exit the building to rub insult in my wounds. I can't talk to one Korean friend without them spouting off in Korean to any remote friend or acquaintance that happens to walk by. Everyday I am reminded of what is lost.
"If you are confident enough, you can belong anywhere." - I feel like this could be true. I'm awkward and lack self confidence because I feel inadequate as an Asian. I never felt this in highschool. But I feel inadequate and therefore extremely self conscious around Asians. I thrive on gratification and acceptance by Asians. When a Korean speaks to me, my confidence boosts ten fold. I don't know why I have to put so much reliance on this. It's stupid and confidence shouldn't originate from this. But at this period of my life, it does.
"The more diverse a community is, the more prevalent racism is." - Usually there's racism in segregated communities but diverse communities tend to segregate themselves. Koreans cluster. Chinese cluster. Indians cluster. It's inevitable. The bigger a minority group grows, the more threatening it becomes. They don't need to assimilate or open to others because there's so many goddamn people like themselves that it isn't necessary. Why would a Korean want to befriend me when there are hundreds of other pure Koreans? I don't know....sounds a bit extreme but it is just a theory.
I don't know. This whole adopted thing...this whole identity...I never thought much of it before until college started. It certainly hit me like a ton of bricks. I think I am fascinated by fobby stylish Korean because they are new to me. I have never seen or noticed them before and they are appealing. They are beautiful and perfect, yet superficial. I just want to hurry up and meet one, become disgusted and turned off by their superficiality, so I can finally move on with my life and realize how much time I waste thinking about them. Realize that they're not as beautiful as they seem. But I lack the confidence to do either.
God. I should just let go of everything.
I went to my mentorship program where I mentor an adopted girl.
We had a discussion with the adoptive parents and it was really emotionally intense. So intense I really had to hold back. But honestly if I broke down crying, it would have been for my selfish needs and superficial desires. Something I continue to struggle with and am to ashamed to admit to.
Some quotes that stuck with me:
"There's always a part of my daughter's life that I'll never share." - She was referring to the ethnicity part. I can relate. There's a part of me I'll never have. The Korean part. And it kills me because everyday I'm reminded of it. I walk out of the UgLi at 2 AM and not one, but two perfectly flawless Korean couples exit the building to rub insult in my wounds. I can't talk to one Korean friend without them spouting off in Korean to any remote friend or acquaintance that happens to walk by. Everyday I am reminded of what is lost.
"If you are confident enough, you can belong anywhere." - I feel like this could be true. I'm awkward and lack self confidence because I feel inadequate as an Asian. I never felt this in highschool. But I feel inadequate and therefore extremely self conscious around Asians. I thrive on gratification and acceptance by Asians. When a Korean speaks to me, my confidence boosts ten fold. I don't know why I have to put so much reliance on this. It's stupid and confidence shouldn't originate from this. But at this period of my life, it does.
"The more diverse a community is, the more prevalent racism is." - Usually there's racism in segregated communities but diverse communities tend to segregate themselves. Koreans cluster. Chinese cluster. Indians cluster. It's inevitable. The bigger a minority group grows, the more threatening it becomes. They don't need to assimilate or open to others because there's so many goddamn people like themselves that it isn't necessary. Why would a Korean want to befriend me when there are hundreds of other pure Koreans? I don't know....sounds a bit extreme but it is just a theory.
I don't know. This whole adopted thing...this whole identity...I never thought much of it before until college started. It certainly hit me like a ton of bricks. I think I am fascinated by fobby stylish Korean because they are new to me. I have never seen or noticed them before and they are appealing. They are beautiful and perfect, yet superficial. I just want to hurry up and meet one, become disgusted and turned off by their superficiality, so I can finally move on with my life and realize how much time I waste thinking about them. Realize that they're not as beautiful as they seem. But I lack the confidence to do either.
God. I should just let go of everything.