a self-indulgent post
On my birthday I recieved 30 or so wall posts on facebook. Around 5 or so text messages, and a call from my grandma and her sister. My mom and sister went out to eat with me and for a walk. At the Mexican resturant they put that damn sombrero on my head and it was highly embarrassing. I kind of wanted to crawl inside the big dumb hat and die. As I left the waiter said, "bye baby. happy birthday." It felt weird to be called "baby" by a total stranger and maybe it was kind of offensive, but I just told myself that he didn't know English very well, so he probably didn't know that would be kind of, um, demeaning.
My dad didn't call. So I called him and said, "hey you didn't wish me a happy birthday."
To which he replied, "Oh, is it your birthday already? Yeah I remember the day you were born I gave out cigars."
Alright, dad.
Otherwise, I spent the day alone. I even went to the movies, and I was literally the only person in the theatre. That kind of bummed me out. That's the thing about the movies, it's supposed to be this collective experience where you're all seeing and reacting to the same stimulus. But there I was with this huge screen and rows of seats, and no one even came in to check the movie. I could have literally been sitting there with my pants off and no one would've known. Should've done it just for the heck of it, but I guess I didn't think of it just then.So I watched this cruddy movie with Meg Ryan and that guy from the O.C., and there was a guy in it who kind of looked like one of my old boyfriends (one of two haha). Needless to say I came out of it feeling kind of low. I mean, an empty theatre with a crappy Meg Ryan movie would bum anyone out at least slightly.
So I drive to where I get a signal on my phone and I want to spend the last 30 minutes of my birthday talking to someone so I don't feel so lonely. Then I realize there's no one to call. A lot of people are asleep at 11:30 because they have work or other responsibilities. I could call Pat, but I've already talked to him and I don't have anything to say. I flip through my numbers, send a text or two, then drive back home. I tear up a little bit and then tell myself I'm being stupid. Because here's the thing: I could've driven to a city, found some people I know and made them take me out for my birthday and they wouldn't have minded. But I didn't. I didn't try to force anyone to celebrate with me, and I don't really know that there was all that much to celebrate. It's just another day right? And plenty of people sent me "happy birthday" messages, so I shouldn't feel like no one cares. My choices put me where I am so I have no right to complain. Just like every other situation I'm unhappy with. I have a tendency to let myself feel isolated and down, but if I worked harder not to be, then I guess I wouldn't be right?
Songs that make me feel life is ok:
The Used- The Taste of Ink
Jimmy Eat World- A praise chorus
Songs that make me feel aggressive:
Anything by Linkin Park (I don't care if that's an indication of bad taste)
Re-evolve by thirtyseconds to mars, and pretty much anything else they do
My dad didn't call. So I called him and said, "hey you didn't wish me a happy birthday."
To which he replied, "Oh, is it your birthday already? Yeah I remember the day you were born I gave out cigars."
Alright, dad.
Otherwise, I spent the day alone. I even went to the movies, and I was literally the only person in the theatre. That kind of bummed me out. That's the thing about the movies, it's supposed to be this collective experience where you're all seeing and reacting to the same stimulus. But there I was with this huge screen and rows of seats, and no one even came in to check the movie. I could have literally been sitting there with my pants off and no one would've known. Should've done it just for the heck of it, but I guess I didn't think of it just then.So I watched this cruddy movie with Meg Ryan and that guy from the O.C., and there was a guy in it who kind of looked like one of my old boyfriends (one of two haha). Needless to say I came out of it feeling kind of low. I mean, an empty theatre with a crappy Meg Ryan movie would bum anyone out at least slightly.
So I drive to where I get a signal on my phone and I want to spend the last 30 minutes of my birthday talking to someone so I don't feel so lonely. Then I realize there's no one to call. A lot of people are asleep at 11:30 because they have work or other responsibilities. I could call Pat, but I've already talked to him and I don't have anything to say. I flip through my numbers, send a text or two, then drive back home. I tear up a little bit and then tell myself I'm being stupid. Because here's the thing: I could've driven to a city, found some people I know and made them take me out for my birthday and they wouldn't have minded. But I didn't. I didn't try to force anyone to celebrate with me, and I don't really know that there was all that much to celebrate. It's just another day right? And plenty of people sent me "happy birthday" messages, so I shouldn't feel like no one cares. My choices put me where I am so I have no right to complain. Just like every other situation I'm unhappy with. I have a tendency to let myself feel isolated and down, but if I worked harder not to be, then I guess I wouldn't be right?
Songs that make me feel life is ok:
The Used- The Taste of Ink
Jimmy Eat World- A praise chorus
Songs that make me feel aggressive:
Anything by Linkin Park (I don't care if that's an indication of bad taste)
Re-evolve by thirtyseconds to mars, and pretty much anything else they do