island journeys
I'm in that place again. Three nos. Three yeses -two with full funding. One that has neither given me the wink, nor set me free. Not that that last one really matters. I didn't think that I'd feel all "been there done that" but, really, I sorta do. And very very shortly it will no longer be the only known on my radar. The two offers are fighting. Not even bending over backwards, but there's free food, flights, and back-flips involved now.
And it's fascinating to watch -confusing to watch from what feels like the outside knowing that the battle is over me and my words, and yet, encouraging and affirming in ways in which I had only barely dared to dream.
My words. The words I fought with, slaved over, and over-scrutinized.
Today a friend described a thesis as a Horcrux... geek pop-culture reference aside, she's right. That thesis holds a bit of my soul... wrenched from me in the blood, sweat, and tears of the process. And now they fight over it. For my attention.
And then I stop and think. Realizing that it was only four years ago that I sat at another desk, on another laptop, in another city... vastly different and yet hugely the same. I sipped my tea and pondered what it would be like to life by the ocean... wondered what my horn playing future would hold.
And now I wonder about stipend and rents and sixth-year dissertation fellowships and provost grants. I think of VISAs and SSHRCs and Canada Council Grants. And I wonder just how much I'll miss the ocean. And the cherry blossoms. But I dream about the renewed joy in leaves of the fall and the smell of the first snow. I worry about whether the cities I visit this week will use salt that might wreak my new leather boots, and I curse my past-self for leaving my 'real' winter boots at home. I, of course, stress over which shoes to pack for the trip... and make mental notes that ballet flats and barefeet (my Victoria staple footwear all winter long) probably won't cut it.
And then I think of what facebook taught me this year. That's right, facebook of all things. This New Years, facebook told me that my top two words in my status were: Thesis and Johann. Telling, yes, but not as poignant as the third word on the list: loves.
The last verb that I remember featuring so predominantly on the status list was misses.
And if that doesn't sum up my journey on the island these last four years -or the preceding four on that other island- I don't know what does.
And it's fascinating to watch -confusing to watch from what feels like the outside knowing that the battle is over me and my words, and yet, encouraging and affirming in ways in which I had only barely dared to dream.
My words. The words I fought with, slaved over, and over-scrutinized.
Today a friend described a thesis as a Horcrux... geek pop-culture reference aside, she's right. That thesis holds a bit of my soul... wrenched from me in the blood, sweat, and tears of the process. And now they fight over it. For my attention.
And then I stop and think. Realizing that it was only four years ago that I sat at another desk, on another laptop, in another city... vastly different and yet hugely the same. I sipped my tea and pondered what it would be like to life by the ocean... wondered what my horn playing future would hold.
And now I wonder about stipend and rents and sixth-year dissertation fellowships and provost grants. I think of VISAs and SSHRCs and Canada Council Grants. And I wonder just how much I'll miss the ocean. And the cherry blossoms. But I dream about the renewed joy in leaves of the fall and the smell of the first snow. I worry about whether the cities I visit this week will use salt that might wreak my new leather boots, and I curse my past-self for leaving my 'real' winter boots at home. I, of course, stress over which shoes to pack for the trip... and make mental notes that ballet flats and barefeet (my Victoria staple footwear all winter long) probably won't cut it.
And then I think of what facebook taught me this year. That's right, facebook of all things. This New Years, facebook told me that my top two words in my status were: Thesis and Johann. Telling, yes, but not as poignant as the third word on the list: loves.
The last verb that I remember featuring so predominantly on the status list was misses.
And if that doesn't sum up my journey on the island these last four years -or the preceding four on that other island- I don't know what does.