between a hot and a warm spot
I've had so many blogs in mind that I don't even know where to start today. But, I have decided that I am a writer and, as a writer, I intend on writing a little every single day. Really, I should amend this to say "I intend on writing a little of my thesis everyday." And I do. But blogs count too.
I thought that I could start by giving people a bit of an idea of what is going on with me... And, truth be told, I'm between a warm and a hot place.
This morning I was reading Psalm 37.
Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act... Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for him...
Psalm 37:4-5, 7a (NRSV)
I often turned to this one in transitional periods of my life. It's a good piece of scripture if you need that "God is in control" feeling, but is oh-so-easy to make the turn of phrase "the desires of your heart" mean "what I want to happen." It's been really interesting to watch myself go through this grad school process. As you might have been able to read in between the lines of my last post on grad schools, I really didn't know what I wanted this time. I was in a unique position to delight in the Lord without telling Him specifically what I had decided the desires of my heart were.
Sure, I prayed a bit that I'd get into school somewhere... but honestly, that wasn't what I was praying most of the time. Instead I've been praying: God, close doors. I was discussing this with my favourite opera singer the other day and he nearly chastised me, asking, "Shouldn't you pray that God opens doors?" The thing is, I haven't been viewing next year as a hallway of closed doors while I wait for God to open one for me. Instead, I've viewed it as a sort of animated labyrinth with wide open passages that I'm pursuing until the drawbridge goes up, the wrought iron gate is dropped, or the door swings shut with a lovely Gothic creak. All my options sounded exciting... even the ones that didn't involve school. I could live in Germany. I could go to the farm, teach theory, and get to see Little Man Johann every single day.
Most of you undoubtedly know that if I wasn't supposed to move back to Montreal, that I'd likely need to have that door slammed in my face. McGill Graduate Studies did just that a few weeks ago. When Annalise related the news to Bonnie, a little worried about how I was taking it, Bonnie remarked "that's what [Eventhere] wanted - she only wanted to get into one school." Next I heard that my application to Stanford had been placed "among the top group of Alternates. The faculty would be very eager to make you an offer of admission... there is a good chance we will still be able to make an offer of admission with full funding sometime within the next couple of months, so please continue to consider Stanford as a strong possibility for graduate study." Great. Should make the trip to California more, fun, right? Then, while I was there I heard official nos from UPenn and Cornell. And [Mr. Prairie] pulled out the shot glass and bottle of Tequila. (I don't think I like Tequila. All I really know is that you usually have limes with Tequila and that I love limes. I kid you not, the only two thoughts that accompanied my laughter were: "I didn't want want to live in Philly anyways" and, "mmm... I love limes!")
In the week that has passed since my lime craving, a clear picture of next year as formed in my head. Now, in my mind's eye, I see my next year self in one of two places: Stanford University, or here in Victoria. Did any of you see that coming? I sure didn't. In fact, these were the two options that I was pretty sure that I didn't see happening.
My time in Palo Alto was eye opening (as well as stimulating and fun, relaxing and exciting). I believe that I have won my way into the hearts of the musicology faculty at Stanford. They most certainly have won me over. I didn't want to live in California. I didn't even want to apply to a California school. I wanted to live in a place with more snow than the Island (i.e., any at all, really). I first looked at Stanford, and then at Berkeley, and then decided to apply to Stanford because "it was a good idea." But I didn't want to go. I really didn't.
And now, I want to study at Stanford. I really do.
And Victoria... I moved here thinking that maybe it would be the place that I could first try the non-student life and make my way as a horn player. Then things happened. Serotonin levels dropped. My programs changed. My thesis changed. Victoria seemed anything but right... But things are different now. This gorgeous city no longer makes me cry (thank you, happy pills!) and I quit going to the gym and now run outside among the cherry blossoms. My asthma is worse than it's ever been, but I have friends and a church family who love me here. I have good library access, and a community of like-(ish)-minded scholars. I have a possible opportunity to teach piano and a good network for getting private teaching, tutoring, and accompanying gigs. And it just feels like it might be good to sit, wait, study a new language, and read. So many books. So little time.
So here I am... two paths... two labyrinth halls, each with their own tilts and twirls, jars and potholes. And, y'know what? I'm at peace. Not because I told God what the desires of my heart were... but because He has led me to this juncture because I've delighted in Him. I'm at peace because I know that He delights over me too... with singing even.
So, for now, I'm delighting, committing, trusting, waiting, and practising being still and patient.
And I'm confident of the rejoicing, exulting, victory, gladness, love, and singing that is now and will be.
Sing aloud, O daughter Zion; shout O Israel!
Rejoice and exult with all your heart, O daughter Jerusalem!
The Lord, your God, is in your midst, a warrior who gives victory;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
he will renew you in his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing...
Zephaniah 3:14, 17 (NRSV)
I thought that I could start by giving people a bit of an idea of what is going on with me... And, truth be told, I'm between a warm and a hot place.
This morning I was reading Psalm 37.
Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act... Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for him...
Psalm 37:4-5, 7a (NRSV)
I often turned to this one in transitional periods of my life. It's a good piece of scripture if you need that "God is in control" feeling, but is oh-so-easy to make the turn of phrase "the desires of your heart" mean "what I want to happen." It's been really interesting to watch myself go through this grad school process. As you might have been able to read in between the lines of my last post on grad schools, I really didn't know what I wanted this time. I was in a unique position to delight in the Lord without telling Him specifically what I had decided the desires of my heart were.
Sure, I prayed a bit that I'd get into school somewhere... but honestly, that wasn't what I was praying most of the time. Instead I've been praying: God, close doors. I was discussing this with my favourite opera singer the other day and he nearly chastised me, asking, "Shouldn't you pray that God opens doors?" The thing is, I haven't been viewing next year as a hallway of closed doors while I wait for God to open one for me. Instead, I've viewed it as a sort of animated labyrinth with wide open passages that I'm pursuing until the drawbridge goes up, the wrought iron gate is dropped, or the door swings shut with a lovely Gothic creak. All my options sounded exciting... even the ones that didn't involve school. I could live in Germany. I could go to the farm, teach theory, and get to see Little Man Johann every single day.
Most of you undoubtedly know that if I wasn't supposed to move back to Montreal, that I'd likely need to have that door slammed in my face. McGill Graduate Studies did just that a few weeks ago. When Annalise related the news to Bonnie, a little worried about how I was taking it, Bonnie remarked "that's what [Eventhere] wanted - she only wanted to get into one school." Next I heard that my application to Stanford had been placed "among the top group of Alternates. The faculty would be very eager to make you an offer of admission... there is a good chance we will still be able to make an offer of admission with full funding sometime within the next couple of months, so please continue to consider Stanford as a strong possibility for graduate study." Great. Should make the trip to California more, fun, right? Then, while I was there I heard official nos from UPenn and Cornell. And [Mr. Prairie] pulled out the shot glass and bottle of Tequila. (I don't think I like Tequila. All I really know is that you usually have limes with Tequila and that I love limes. I kid you not, the only two thoughts that accompanied my laughter were: "I didn't want want to live in Philly anyways" and, "mmm... I love limes!")
In the week that has passed since my lime craving, a clear picture of next year as formed in my head. Now, in my mind's eye, I see my next year self in one of two places: Stanford University, or here in Victoria. Did any of you see that coming? I sure didn't. In fact, these were the two options that I was pretty sure that I didn't see happening.
My time in Palo Alto was eye opening (as well as stimulating and fun, relaxing and exciting). I believe that I have won my way into the hearts of the musicology faculty at Stanford. They most certainly have won me over. I didn't want to live in California. I didn't even want to apply to a California school. I wanted to live in a place with more snow than the Island (i.e., any at all, really). I first looked at Stanford, and then at Berkeley, and then decided to apply to Stanford because "it was a good idea." But I didn't want to go. I really didn't.
And now, I want to study at Stanford. I really do.
And Victoria... I moved here thinking that maybe it would be the place that I could first try the non-student life and make my way as a horn player. Then things happened. Serotonin levels dropped. My programs changed. My thesis changed. Victoria seemed anything but right... But things are different now. This gorgeous city no longer makes me cry (thank you, happy pills!) and I quit going to the gym and now run outside among the cherry blossoms. My asthma is worse than it's ever been, but I have friends and a church family who love me here. I have good library access, and a community of like-(ish)-minded scholars. I have a possible opportunity to teach piano and a good network for getting private teaching, tutoring, and accompanying gigs. And it just feels like it might be good to sit, wait, study a new language, and read. So many books. So little time.
So here I am... two paths... two labyrinth halls, each with their own tilts and twirls, jars and potholes. And, y'know what? I'm at peace. Not because I told God what the desires of my heart were... but because He has led me to this juncture because I've delighted in Him. I'm at peace because I know that He delights over me too... with singing even.
So, for now, I'm delighting, committing, trusting, waiting, and practising being still and patient.
And I'm confident of the rejoicing, exulting, victory, gladness, love, and singing that is now and will be.
Sing aloud, O daughter Zion; shout O Israel!
Rejoice and exult with all your heart, O daughter Jerusalem!
The Lord, your God, is in your midst, a warrior who gives victory;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
he will renew you in his love;
he will exult over you with loud singing...
Zephaniah 3:14, 17 (NRSV)