I should leave it alone, but you're not around.
The most romantic thing I ever bought you was that block of port salut. I stood staring at the cheese counter in Morrisons yesterday after realising just how much food is packaged with two people in mind, then wandered around with my mouth half open and tried to remember how to want to eat.
DE came over last night and we talked about you, and drank. We talked about a lot of things. I figured if there was someone I could be honest with, who wouldn't judge the compartments of my mind and terrible behaviour, that was who. It was helpful. I have a list of potential solutions to the problems I think we have but the crucial question remains: do I really want the chance to implement them? K's pro/con list idea is great, but you don't input values and get a result. The list is not a scale, and I still have to decide which side weighs on me more. Additionally, (and bizarrely, given the light in which we currently stand,) I think to not try again leaves room to still know one another in five years. I think if we try again and it doesn't work out -- and it sort of can't work out -- how do we face each other?
It's just. I can't imagine being nice to someone again. It's almost inconceivable that after these five days of the National and dry shampoo I could ever give a damn about the happiness of another person - no, about being the happiness of another person. There's something wrong with me, and I should keep my trainwreck to myself. All these years and all this damage and I don't think I have any more love to give. So I probably shouldn't try.
Standing at the punch table swallowing punch,
can't pay attention to the sound of anyone.
A little more stupid, a little more scared,
every minute more unprepared.
Made a mistake in my life today - everything I love gets lost in drawers.
I want to start over, I want to be winning,
way out of sync from the beginning.
DE came over last night and we talked about you, and drank. We talked about a lot of things. I figured if there was someone I could be honest with, who wouldn't judge the compartments of my mind and terrible behaviour, that was who. It was helpful. I have a list of potential solutions to the problems I think we have but the crucial question remains: do I really want the chance to implement them? K's pro/con list idea is great, but you don't input values and get a result. The list is not a scale, and I still have to decide which side weighs on me more. Additionally, (and bizarrely, given the light in which we currently stand,) I think to not try again leaves room to still know one another in five years. I think if we try again and it doesn't work out -- and it sort of can't work out -- how do we face each other?
It's just. I can't imagine being nice to someone again. It's almost inconceivable that after these five days of the National and dry shampoo I could ever give a damn about the happiness of another person - no, about being the happiness of another person. There's something wrong with me, and I should keep my trainwreck to myself. All these years and all this damage and I don't think I have any more love to give. So I probably shouldn't try.
Standing at the punch table swallowing punch,
can't pay attention to the sound of anyone.
A little more stupid, a little more scared,
every minute more unprepared.
Made a mistake in my life today - everything I love gets lost in drawers.
I want to start over, I want to be winning,
way out of sync from the beginning.