(no subject)
I realized last night that you really can learn something from everyone you meet. This is why I like me, I'm sorry that may sound stupid or like I'm full of myself, but really it's not like that. I'm just always open to other people, I always treat them with respect, I always try to get to know somebody. And when I do I always come out of the conversations with something.
Yesterday I hung out with Chris, Jay, and Ian. Jay and Ian are unlike any other friend I've ever had, but they are slowly making it to some of my favorite people. They are immature in their own respects, reckless, and some of the most irrational boys I have ever met...but they have the best hearts...hearts like theirs do not beat in many people these days. They are so accepting too. I mean, all of the friends that I have chose to be friends with are all very accepting, but not in the same way these guys are. It's almost like, by default, if you have a good heart and a good head on your shoulders and you know the true meaning of respect they will accept you. I've never been in a group of friends where three male best friends are all sooooo different from each other and yet treat each other better then most true biological brothers I've seen.
Then there's this thought...how much have a changed from the true me. It's silly to admit this, but I actually came up with this thought while watching an anime called Gantz with Jay and Chris. In it, the main character Kei has become this quiet individual who was kept to himself and seemed to always have angry almost self-righteous inner monologues (which there is a lot of in this anime). But the kicker is, when he was a child all his friends admired him, because he was fearless. Sometimes you change without a dramatic event, somehow you just change as the world subtly beats down on you. So I wonder...what has changed in me. Was it for the better, or for the worst? Now, my theory in life is that it can always be used for the better...so in the end change will always be a positive one in my life...but were there some obstacles with myself that I had to face because of a change in me? Hmmm...I don't know.
I will say, most people who met me before use to think I was the sweetest thing ever. That's why Brandon fell for me...I was kind of quiet, joked around, but again for the most part I kept to myself. But the kicker to that was the fact that I was extremely insecure, practically hated myself or thought I was worthless, was very passive about everything. Now I'm definitely not like that. I still think I am one of the kindest people you will ever meet, but I am very self-centered now-a-days in the way that I will not add anything to my life that will take away from my overall goals. In finally grasping that assertiveness in my life, I am not longer passive and when I have something to say to someone, I say it. This is where Brandon and I started to fall apart, when I became more opinionated and "louder" if you will. I'm sure this is something he doesn't even realize, but the downfall of our relationship happened around the time I started to gain more confidence in myself. Now he has a new girlfriend, that I really and honestly do not know at all, so I can't say much...but she reminds me of the way I use to be...quiet, reserved, kind of ordinary (not in a bad way), not very assertive. Funny how patterns like this show up.
But I must say, regardless of the fact that I was once in Love with Brandon (though I'm still debating if feelings like that ever truly go away), and I apparently lost him due to myself, I'm fine with that. Whatever place he is in his life, I could not be any sort of benefit and unfortunately he could not be for me either. At the end of the day, I want to be able to know that the person I am with loves me for everything I am. I want to be loved for my confidence and my strong opinions. It's not like I don't think way outside of the box...if you knew me you'd know that I've always put myself in other's shoes and have always try to defend those who have hurt me, etc, etc, etc. I want someone who is going to stand by my side and know who he is, and where he is going, and know his full potential. Someone that if sh*t when South, I could count on him to work as hard as he could, just as I would be doing, to make ends meet.
Now...in saying that...I might as well say...that I will always be in love with the guy I am in love with. Until the day that someone "better" and "more suited" for me comes along. But one thing I have learned, that I'm no longer bitter about, is the fact that what I feel for him just doesn't matter. You can care with all your heart and soul and love like you know no one else has loved...but in the end it doesn't change a thing, it doesn't make anyone see or feel what you feel...it doesn't do a God Damn thing. Love is a big part of my life, but I am finally strong enough to know that sometimes Love can tear your life apart. And though I do Love him, that Love ended up hurting me more then being a positive part of my life. It sucks we can't choose who we love, it sucks that at the end of the day those feelings never really left or went anywhere. And the sad part is, I will never know if he ever once felt the way I did about him about me. He probably didn't, in fact, I'm almost certain he didn't, but I don't know for sure.
But I do know this, that I do not need him in my life. To be honest, I do not need anyone to make my life move forward. I also know that I tend to need reassurance. Maybe that has to do with being a Capricorn, maybe it's just subconscious low self-esteem. Either way, I am constantly either reassuring myself or having others reassure me. It's never that I doubt what I believe in, it's just, I think it just ensures that what I am doing is morally correct and won't hurt others...ya know? I can't really explain it, but whatever...hahahaha!
Anyways, my life is looking a little different these days. I think it finally set in that certain things are never going to be the same. When Lisa Marie gets married a few years down the road, hanging out with her will not be like it was. When Chris finds that girl he's been looking for all his life, that won't be the same either. When my parents finally sell the house in 2 or 3 years, Maryland will not longer be somewhere I can always come back to. And Brandon will never be that huge inspiring part of my life that he once was again. All this change is absolutely not a bad thing, because I no longer fear change...but it is interesting to look back and see something that you will never have again under the exact same circumstances. At the same time it's rather comforting, but just soo strange.
Anyways, I apologize for all the random blogs. It seems I don't really have anyone I can talk to all the time to release some thoughts like I use to with Brandon. So I find that writing helps get it out and clear my head. Most of my blogs have no one subject are just usually kind of random, and sometimes I just delete them in a few days anyways. But if you are still reading this, I do thank you for hanging in this long!
The Diamond Dinner should be fun...and it'll definitely be interesting to meet this guy Lisa wants me to meet. Definitely interesting!
Yesterday I hung out with Chris, Jay, and Ian. Jay and Ian are unlike any other friend I've ever had, but they are slowly making it to some of my favorite people. They are immature in their own respects, reckless, and some of the most irrational boys I have ever met...but they have the best hearts...hearts like theirs do not beat in many people these days. They are so accepting too. I mean, all of the friends that I have chose to be friends with are all very accepting, but not in the same way these guys are. It's almost like, by default, if you have a good heart and a good head on your shoulders and you know the true meaning of respect they will accept you. I've never been in a group of friends where three male best friends are all sooooo different from each other and yet treat each other better then most true biological brothers I've seen.
Then there's this thought...how much have a changed from the true me. It's silly to admit this, but I actually came up with this thought while watching an anime called Gantz with Jay and Chris. In it, the main character Kei has become this quiet individual who was kept to himself and seemed to always have angry almost self-righteous inner monologues (which there is a lot of in this anime). But the kicker is, when he was a child all his friends admired him, because he was fearless. Sometimes you change without a dramatic event, somehow you just change as the world subtly beats down on you. So I wonder...what has changed in me. Was it for the better, or for the worst? Now, my theory in life is that it can always be used for the better...so in the end change will always be a positive one in my life...but were there some obstacles with myself that I had to face because of a change in me? Hmmm...I don't know.
I will say, most people who met me before use to think I was the sweetest thing ever. That's why Brandon fell for me...I was kind of quiet, joked around, but again for the most part I kept to myself. But the kicker to that was the fact that I was extremely insecure, practically hated myself or thought I was worthless, was very passive about everything. Now I'm definitely not like that. I still think I am one of the kindest people you will ever meet, but I am very self-centered now-a-days in the way that I will not add anything to my life that will take away from my overall goals. In finally grasping that assertiveness in my life, I am not longer passive and when I have something to say to someone, I say it. This is where Brandon and I started to fall apart, when I became more opinionated and "louder" if you will. I'm sure this is something he doesn't even realize, but the downfall of our relationship happened around the time I started to gain more confidence in myself. Now he has a new girlfriend, that I really and honestly do not know at all, so I can't say much...but she reminds me of the way I use to be...quiet, reserved, kind of ordinary (not in a bad way), not very assertive. Funny how patterns like this show up.
But I must say, regardless of the fact that I was once in Love with Brandon (though I'm still debating if feelings like that ever truly go away), and I apparently lost him due to myself, I'm fine with that. Whatever place he is in his life, I could not be any sort of benefit and unfortunately he could not be for me either. At the end of the day, I want to be able to know that the person I am with loves me for everything I am. I want to be loved for my confidence and my strong opinions. It's not like I don't think way outside of the box...if you knew me you'd know that I've always put myself in other's shoes and have always try to defend those who have hurt me, etc, etc, etc. I want someone who is going to stand by my side and know who he is, and where he is going, and know his full potential. Someone that if sh*t when South, I could count on him to work as hard as he could, just as I would be doing, to make ends meet.
Now...in saying that...I might as well say...that I will always be in love with the guy I am in love with. Until the day that someone "better" and "more suited" for me comes along. But one thing I have learned, that I'm no longer bitter about, is the fact that what I feel for him just doesn't matter. You can care with all your heart and soul and love like you know no one else has loved...but in the end it doesn't change a thing, it doesn't make anyone see or feel what you feel...it doesn't do a God Damn thing. Love is a big part of my life, but I am finally strong enough to know that sometimes Love can tear your life apart. And though I do Love him, that Love ended up hurting me more then being a positive part of my life. It sucks we can't choose who we love, it sucks that at the end of the day those feelings never really left or went anywhere. And the sad part is, I will never know if he ever once felt the way I did about him about me. He probably didn't, in fact, I'm almost certain he didn't, but I don't know for sure.
But I do know this, that I do not need him in my life. To be honest, I do not need anyone to make my life move forward. I also know that I tend to need reassurance. Maybe that has to do with being a Capricorn, maybe it's just subconscious low self-esteem. Either way, I am constantly either reassuring myself or having others reassure me. It's never that I doubt what I believe in, it's just, I think it just ensures that what I am doing is morally correct and won't hurt others...ya know? I can't really explain it, but whatever...hahahaha!
Anyways, my life is looking a little different these days. I think it finally set in that certain things are never going to be the same. When Lisa Marie gets married a few years down the road, hanging out with her will not be like it was. When Chris finds that girl he's been looking for all his life, that won't be the same either. When my parents finally sell the house in 2 or 3 years, Maryland will not longer be somewhere I can always come back to. And Brandon will never be that huge inspiring part of my life that he once was again. All this change is absolutely not a bad thing, because I no longer fear change...but it is interesting to look back and see something that you will never have again under the exact same circumstances. At the same time it's rather comforting, but just soo strange.
Anyways, I apologize for all the random blogs. It seems I don't really have anyone I can talk to all the time to release some thoughts like I use to with Brandon. So I find that writing helps get it out and clear my head. Most of my blogs have no one subject are just usually kind of random, and sometimes I just delete them in a few days anyways. But if you are still reading this, I do thank you for hanging in this long!
The Diamond Dinner should be fun...and it'll definitely be interesting to meet this guy Lisa wants me to meet. Definitely interesting!