fic: bubblegum heart
Bubblegum Heart
3,448w; r
Taeyeon/Junghee (jongtae); Minho/Junghee (jongho); other ninja stuff
I'm Miss sugar pink,
liquor liquor lips.
Hit me with your sweet love,
steal me with a kiss
I'm Miss sugar pink,
liquor liquor lips.
I'm gonna be your
Bubblegum Bitch♡
Taeyeon untwists the cap on the tube of lipgloss, twirling the wand inside to scrape the edges before dragging it out carefully. She eyes the slick substance, finally almost gone after she’d stolen it from Junghee over a year ago. She runs her tongue over her lips after its applied, sticky and sweet, and then she’s moving in double time. The tube is recapped and thrown into the top drawer of her vanity and she is bounding down the stairs.
“Hey mom, don’t wait up. Kibum has a show tonight.” She yells to the empty house. Her mom isn’t going wait up, her mom isn’t even in the country. A quick check into her bag for her keys and phone then Taeyeon is out the door. An old beat up convertible screeches up to the curb as soon as she turns the lock.
“Junghee is going to flip her shit when she sees your hair.” Taeyeon greets Kibum as she tosses her bag onto his front seat and climbs over the broken door.
“Fuck Junghee.” His lips round and he blows the bright green strands out of his eyes.
Even though she is probably at the lounge more than owner, Taeyeon never gets used to the nuclear explosion of acrid smoke that billows out the doors upon opening them. It’s not something that goes away after time either, a constant tickle in her nose hours into the night.
The opening band is onstage, young and full of potential, but not so good yet, not so put together. Taeyeon waves bye to Kibum and sidles up to the bar. Before she can signal the man behind the counter he’s setting a glass in front of her.
“Thanks.” Her smile doesn’t reach her eyes.
“No problem, I noticed you always get the same thing.” Oh he did? Taeyeon felt a twinge of guilt; she couldn’t even remember his name. The singer currently at the mic is saying goodbyes so Taeyeon doesn’t try to continue the awkward conversation. She just grabs her drink and, smiling again, heads to make camp on the side of the stage.
The group is setting up and Kibum unceremoniously kicks his guitar case off the stage right into Taeyeon’s waiting arms. She grins fully this time, taking a sheet of paper out of her bag and sticking it to the inside of the case.
Seoul or bust.
And by bust we mean boobs.
No really, Junghee needs boobs.
A man walks by, cigarette dangling from his lips, and drops a five into the case. Taeyeon blows a kiss in thanks.
Junghee is at her throne now, hand caressing the microphone like a precious jewel before she breathes out some test runs. Her court silences, anticipation heavy in the air, a mass waiting for her command. A deep chord rings out, then another, and the bass line is soon joined by the drums. Just when the throng starts riding the sounds Kibum comes in with a hollow riff, lonely and sad. Taeyeon’s still holding her breath.
Junghee sways back and forth, and really, no matter how many times it happens, Taeyeon can’t suppress the shiver that runs down her spine when the other girl opens her mouth to sing. Her voice is emotion, and it kind of feels like Taeyeon’s been slammed against a wall.
Its over too soon, Kibum resting his legs across Taeyeon’s knees as they count out the accumulation of bills, coins, and-
“Is this a condom?”
“Tha~at’s for me.” Minho bolts from his chair to snatch the square of foil from Jinki who’d been studying the phone number scrawled across the back. Eyes roll and Taeyeon giggles.
“How do you know that’s not for me?” Junghee asks, licking her thumb to sift through her stack of bills.
“Why would a guy leave his phone number on a condom?”
“Why are you acting like it makes more sense for a girl to leave her phone number on a condom?”
“What if it is a guy, but its for Minho? Win win.” Kibum chimes in.
Jinki chuckles, stabbing out a cigarette, “or it could be a girl for Junghee.”
“Never.” Junghee engulfs Taeyeon, the scent of her shampoo still present under the layers of smoke. “Taeyeon-ah is the only woman for me.” If only. Taeyeon hides behind more laughs. “Plus, that doesn’t make any sense.”
“But she let Key dye his hair green.” Minho points out.
“I can’t stop-”
“And," Jinki grabs the sign and waves it at Junghee, “did you see this?”
“I didn’t-”
“It’s okay Taeyeon, I know Key’s handwriting, and its not like you strapped him down and put that slime on his head.” Junghee shakes Taeyeon’s shoulders, looking into her eyes. “I forgive you my child.” Her statement is sealed with a kiss, warm and wet on the tip of Taeyeon’s nose. The boys cheer until she throws a lighter.
~
Most of the time, people looked at her like she was some kind of otherworldly being. Something to view, not touch. It kept her out of friendships, kept her into trouble with Kibum, the only person that acted like she was human.
Maybe it was because he’d known her since birth, Taeyeon gumming his fingers when his mom pushed his hands towards her. Maybe it was because he really didn’t see her as a person, but some kind of dress up doll created for his enjoyment. Whatever the reason, Taeyeon was grateful to him for always letting her tag along.
When she joins him in highschool he’s in the middle of self discovery and Taeyeon almost gets left behind. Kibum invites her along though, always invites her along, and somehow she ends up in an abandoned café. That’s where she meets Junghee, who is everything she is not. She’s loud and flirtatious and far from perfect. Her nostrils are too big, face too angular, chest too flat, and she is the most beautiful person Taeyeon’s ever set eyes on.
After doing it for so many years its become an obsession, looking at girls. It was her curiosity, what was it that was so different about her? Why did people treat her differently? So she studied, observed. “Stop staring at girls, people think you’re weird”, Kibum would say.
She looks at Junghee for half a minute, eyes wide, unblinking, the spell only broken when the other girl laughs and grabs her hands. “You’re an odd one aren’t you? You’ll fit right in.” It’s the first time Taeyeon’s felt another woman’s fingers in her own.
Junghee is responsible for a number of Taeyeon’s firsts, not that she knows it. Like her first kiss. The four of them graduate, throw themselves into creation, Taeyeon once again stuck wondering the halls alone. One day, at their favorite ice cream shop, Jinki announces they are naming the band.
Junghee clanks four bottles of soju onto the table. “Let’s celebrate.”
“But, what is the name?” Taeyeon’s learned to talk from time to time.
“There is no name," Minho rolls his eyes. “Kibum and Junghee came up with the great plan to get drunk and think of one.”
“It is a great plan. We have our first gig in a week and we can’t play without a name. Drastic times cause for drastic measures.”
“Your face is drastic.”
“Thank you, kind Sir.” Kibum slides a full double shot glass in front of Minho. “Now drink up.”
Sometime later, Jinki and Kibum have given up, just taking on personal stage names, and Junghee is standing on the table in triumph.
“How do you even pronounce that?”
“It’s not a word.” Junghee shakes her bangs out of her eyes. “It’s an acronym, oh oh why es.”
“What does it stand for?” Taeyeon is flushed, but she’s still doing better than Minho.
“Other Ones You See.”
“Junghee and the OOYS?”
“Yes, its very hipster I think, people will like that.”
“Um.” Suddenly Junghee’s face is very, very close to her own. She goes crosseyed focusing on her honey colored hair slipping through Junghee’s fingers.
“I knew you’d agree with me Taeyeon-ah.” She doesn’t remember much besides the taste of Junghee’s bubblegum lipgloss and the spirals of heat running up and down her spine.
“So," Kibum tells her one day, “Jinki likes you.”
“Oh?” Taeyeon fingers the tube of lipgloss in her pocket, the one she’d seen Junghee drop while they were lugging equipment.
“Yeah.”
“Oh…”
Some things that never happen: Jinki never says anything. Junghee never takes herself out of anyone’s personal space. They never officially name the band. (They get together and repeat the ritual once a week.
“Rudiments?”
“Yeah, but with Roo.”
“Like your fucking dog?!”) Time never stops moving. They never stop getting better. Taeyeon never stops watching.
Some things that do happen: Kibum starts talking to himself more than anyone else, his songs become sad. (Junghee just rides that wave though, penning everyone’s heart into a verse.) Minho starts reciprocating Junghee’s invasions of personal space. Jinki finds a competition.
“Let’s do it.” Junghee declares after reading over the forms. “We’re pretty famous locally.”
“They call us ‘That Band’.” Kibum blows a stream of smoke from his lips, passing a joint to Minho.
“Only because we don’t have a name. It’s been two years guys, we gotta crack into the mainstream.”
“Like eggs?”
“What? Oh hell. Taeyeon get that from him.”
Jinki takes it for himself. “Junghee, its $500 just to register, plus we’d need to find a way to get all our stuff there.”
“So we’ll rent a van. Two mil, tops.” She pops a sucker into her mouth.
“And how are we going to get two million won in time?”
Taeyeon slides the papers from under Junghee’s leg, eyes panning down to the grand prize, a chance to open for some Western band during their world tour.
“Easy, we do what we do best.”
“How do we crack if we’re human though? Human eggs don’t crack.”
~
It’s easier than they thought. The night Kibum shows up with green hair is the night they make bank. Junghee kisses the closest person and, afterwards, complains that Taeyeon’s lips taste just like hers.
The last week, full of practices, is less about pizza and weed. Now more about how long it takes for Junghee to lay on the floor, covered in sweat, tangled up in her microphone. Minho breaks seven pairs of drumsticks and Taeyeon wraps bandages around Kibum’s raw fingers.
She’s charged with organizing everything. She gets a trailer. She wires the money, emails the forms (types the first word that comes to her head on the line that reads ‘Band Name:_____’). It’s the least she can do, really, her friends dreams are her own and she wants to see them realized. In her eyes Kibum deserves a stage bigger than the world can offer, Junghee deserves the stars. Taeyeon knows they will do well. She just doesn’t know she won’t be sharing the experience with them.
Kibum drapes an arm across her shoulder. His breath in her face isn’t something Taeyeon would add to her list of favorite things anytime soon. They are leaving in two days, but Junghee wanted to party. Jinki's been sworn to sobriety so he can do most of the driving while they recover.
“Tae. Taaaaae.” Kibum slurs, blinking at her through blown pupils. “You, you twin.”
“What?”
Jinki smiles apologetically from across the table. “I’m pretty sure he’s on something.”
“Obviously.” Taeyeon sighs. “Kibum. Let’s go now, ok?” She tries to stand but her friend pulls her back down.
“N-no. Introduce me first.” Kibum laughs, waving at Taeyeon’s left shoulder.
Taeyeon kisses him on the forehead. “That’s Taeyeon 2.0, you won’t like her, she’ll kick your ass tomorrow for throwing up on her bathroom floor instead of in the toilet like a considerate person.” Kibum frowns, pulling back from her like he’s not so on board with that plan. “I’m going to find Junghee and we’re going to leave.”
She threads through the crowd and the neon lights, looking behind curtains and under doors until she finds her, them, in a dark corner next to an emergency exit. Junghee’s head is thrown back against the wall, Minho’s face buried in her neck. Even in the near darkness Taeyeon can see her legs gripping his waist, skirt bunched up, his pants loose around his hips.
Maybe she makes a noise, maybe it’s akin to the sound a strangled cat would make. Maybe her eyes have turned into high beams so the intensity of her stare draws Junghee’s gaze. Whatever happens, Taeyeon feels her heart rise into her throat when Junghee’s eyes meet hers. There is a beat (a movement), another (a groan), and then Junghee is trying to detach herself from Minho.
Taeyeon doesn’t want her to chase after her, feel guilty, apologize, stop. She just wants to get away, to distance herself from the crushing pain in her chest that worsens with every realization. Taeyeon runs. Her hand smacks against a beam and she welcomes the sting.
Kibum and Jinki have relocated, Kibum draped over a gangly kid with thin white lines gleaming on the table in front of him. Taeyeon stalks up and yanks Kibum’s head back just as he leans down to take a hit, snatching the rolled up bill from his hand.
“What the fuck Jinki?”
He shrugs, pushing a bottle cap across the table. “Its not like I can stop him, Key does what he wants. You know that Taeyeon.” As much as she could throttle Jinki, and Kibum, he’s right. Kibum does what he wants, they all do what they fucking want. They all go around on the wings of their dreams and talents and shrug at the consequences. A wish that she could do the same rises in her chest.
Taeyeon rolls the bill between her thumb and forefinger, a cylinder of loneliness. She leans down towards the table, and while sniffing back her tears snorts up the line of fine white powder. It’s not like she has anything to cry over anyway, but they are there resting behind her eyelids, feeding on her sadness and self deprecation. Obese tears threaten to spill with her secrets as she pinches her nose and cracks her jaw, bitterness cascading down her throat.
“Taeyeon…” Jinki is looking at her and she knows then that he knows. That’s okay though, because the right side of her head is already trapped in cotton candy, the lights in the room too bright and the shadows too deep.
“Jinki. Friends don’t let friends-” Taeyeon coughs, then laughs, and laughs. It’s hilarious really, the way Jinki’s eyes bug out of his head like he’s never seen her before. She laughs until she passes out.
“I think you should stop hanging with us for awhile," is the first thing Taeyeon hears when she wakes up completely. Memories of the night before come in flashes of possible dreams and worried lights. There’s an itchy fabric under her cheek and she automatically knows she’s on Kibum’s couch. Only that wasn’t Kibum’s voice.
Junghee is sitting in a chair across from her, flipped sideways in Taeyeon’s vision. She only has on one shoe and her clothes are rumpled like she’d slept in them, if she even slept at all. Her eyes are tired and red, the puffiness under them threatening to swallow them whole.
“You’re kicking me out of the group?” Taeyeon sits up, slowly, her increasing heart rate making her far more alert than she should be. “Right before we leave?”
Junghee just sighs, rubbing the heels of her palms down her cheeks. “You aren’t in the group Taeyeon-ah.”
‘Don’t call me that!’ Taeyeon wants to scream. ‘Don’t say shit like that. Don’t tell me I’m not a part of this.’ “Don’t.”
“Don’t what? What you did was stupid, and dangerous.” Junghee focuses on a spot on the floor, “and scary.”
What she did? What she did? “Are you being serious? The boys do worse things all the time.” Taeyeon needs to yell, to throw things, to talk about the thing she doesn’t want to talk about, but her mind can’t quite catch up yet. It can’t believe this is happening.
“Actually, only Key does. But that’s ok with you right?” Junghee sneers. “You’ve always tried to be like him but you can’t Taeyeon. You’re not him. You’re not them.”
She feels Junghee’s words smarting against her cheek. The conversation, if it can be called that, is derailing faster than she can handle. “Stop. Just stop! I want to be like Kibum? Jesus Junghee, he’s my best friend! How is it weird or strange or some kind of identity crisis that we want to spend time together?”
“You two throw those words around so easily, but you don’t even see what you’re doing to him. What he’s letting you do to him.”
Angry tears splash onto Taeyeon’s skirt. “So you care more about Kibum than I do, is that it? You don’t want me messing up your vibe or whatever?” Always the one kept at arms distance.
“Taeyeon that’s not-”
“Fuck you.” Taeyeon grabs her jacket from where it’s slipped off her shoulders and gets up. “I’m done. Happy?”
“Was your fight because you saw her with Minho?” Kibum pulls some shake through the straw before handing it to her.
“I like your hair, blue looks good on you.” He always gets strawberry shakes. Who likes strawberry shakes?
“Taeyeon.”
She slides the drink back in front of him. “This is disgusting.”
“Taeyeon.”
“You could’ve told me, about Jinki, you know.” She’s going for the shock factor but Kibum doesn’t react, just picks a seed out of his tooth.
“You should’ve listened. Made him happy.”
“And you would’ve been happy?”
Kibum just smiles, chewing on the straw. “If he was.”
They win, nobody ever doubted that they would. Taeyeon watches on the television, a corner of her lip tugging up at the sight of Jinki gripping Kibum’s hand so hard its turned white. Junghee keeps glancing off the side of the stage and Taeyeon tries to ignore it. She knows she’s looking for her.
“So. We won.”
“I saw, congrats.” Taeyeon is sincere.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, you were right.”
“This is why I love you, my cute little sister Taeyeon-ah.”
Taeyeon’s hands grip the edge of her skirt under the table. “I’m not your sister.” The words come out a little harsher than she intended, or maybe just harsh enough.
“Oh," Junghee squints her eyes, licks excess moisture off her lips as she sets her glass down. “Then what are you?” Junghee is baiting her, Taeyeon knows this, but she bites anyway.
“Can we go somewhere else?”
Junghee is responsible for a number of Taeyeon’s firsts, not that she knows it. Taeyeon wants to stay in Junghee’s bed forever. Everything is so soft, the blankets, the sheets, the pillow, her skin. She can’t stop touching it, runs a thumb up and down her side, counting ribs. Her fingers slip over a pink sweet kiss just under Junghee's navel, causing her to giggle.
“Hey, um, Minho and I… we aren’t-”
“I know.”
“Um… do you wanna be?”
Taeyeon untwists the cap on the tube of lipgloss, twirling the wand inside to scrape the edges before dragging it out carefully. She eyes the slick substance, finally almost gone after she’d opened the box from Junghee. Not that it matters, the crazy girl had sent her a lifetime supply. She runs her tongue over her lips after its applied, sticky and sweet, and then she’s moving in double time. The tube is recapped, thrown into her bag, and she is rushing out of the washroom and into the courtyard.
Her phone vibrates and Taeyeon stops to look at the name blinking on the screen, sitting down on the nearest bench to answer it. The campus is busy and she doesn’t want to get trampled. She opens her mouth to say hello but-
“I miss you.” Even over the phone Junghee’s voice grips Taeyeon in the pit of her stomach. She wonders if that feeling will ever stop, not that she wants it to.
“I know.”
“Taeyeon-ah…”
“I miss you too, you know that.”
“Then come be with us.”
The breeze knocks a few flowers from the trees, she watches them float to her feet. Its not that she doesn't want to go. She just wants a time where she isn't defined by those undefinable. She's going to study, climb, claw, and fight. She'll make it in her own way, and when her name is heading a record company, then and only then will Taeyeon find her band.
A/N: Half the time I hate it and half the time I'm OK with it. Regardless, if organization and structure were my friends this would be more Chaptered Epicry and less Meandering Pile of Words.
It's not related at all but the fic that inspired me to write girl!ee was this wonderful sbb entry :)
3,448w; r
Taeyeon/Junghee (jongtae); Minho/Junghee (jongho); other ninja stuff
I'm Miss sugar pink,
liquor liquor lips.
Hit me with your sweet love,
steal me with a kiss
I'm Miss sugar pink,
liquor liquor lips.
I'm gonna be your
Bubblegum Bitch♡
Taeyeon untwists the cap on the tube of lipgloss, twirling the wand inside to scrape the edges before dragging it out carefully. She eyes the slick substance, finally almost gone after she’d stolen it from Junghee over a year ago. She runs her tongue over her lips after its applied, sticky and sweet, and then she’s moving in double time. The tube is recapped and thrown into the top drawer of her vanity and she is bounding down the stairs.
“Hey mom, don’t wait up. Kibum has a show tonight.” She yells to the empty house. Her mom isn’t going wait up, her mom isn’t even in the country. A quick check into her bag for her keys and phone then Taeyeon is out the door. An old beat up convertible screeches up to the curb as soon as she turns the lock.
“Junghee is going to flip her shit when she sees your hair.” Taeyeon greets Kibum as she tosses her bag onto his front seat and climbs over the broken door.
“Fuck Junghee.” His lips round and he blows the bright green strands out of his eyes.
Even though she is probably at the lounge more than owner, Taeyeon never gets used to the nuclear explosion of acrid smoke that billows out the doors upon opening them. It’s not something that goes away after time either, a constant tickle in her nose hours into the night.
The opening band is onstage, young and full of potential, but not so good yet, not so put together. Taeyeon waves bye to Kibum and sidles up to the bar. Before she can signal the man behind the counter he’s setting a glass in front of her.
“Thanks.” Her smile doesn’t reach her eyes.
“No problem, I noticed you always get the same thing.” Oh he did? Taeyeon felt a twinge of guilt; she couldn’t even remember his name. The singer currently at the mic is saying goodbyes so Taeyeon doesn’t try to continue the awkward conversation. She just grabs her drink and, smiling again, heads to make camp on the side of the stage.
The group is setting up and Kibum unceremoniously kicks his guitar case off the stage right into Taeyeon’s waiting arms. She grins fully this time, taking a sheet of paper out of her bag and sticking it to the inside of the case.
Seoul or bust.
And by bust we mean boobs.
No really, Junghee needs boobs.
A man walks by, cigarette dangling from his lips, and drops a five into the case. Taeyeon blows a kiss in thanks.
Junghee is at her throne now, hand caressing the microphone like a precious jewel before she breathes out some test runs. Her court silences, anticipation heavy in the air, a mass waiting for her command. A deep chord rings out, then another, and the bass line is soon joined by the drums. Just when the throng starts riding the sounds Kibum comes in with a hollow riff, lonely and sad. Taeyeon’s still holding her breath.
Junghee sways back and forth, and really, no matter how many times it happens, Taeyeon can’t suppress the shiver that runs down her spine when the other girl opens her mouth to sing. Her voice is emotion, and it kind of feels like Taeyeon’s been slammed against a wall.
Its over too soon, Kibum resting his legs across Taeyeon’s knees as they count out the accumulation of bills, coins, and-
“Is this a condom?”
“Tha~at’s for me.” Minho bolts from his chair to snatch the square of foil from Jinki who’d been studying the phone number scrawled across the back. Eyes roll and Taeyeon giggles.
“How do you know that’s not for me?” Junghee asks, licking her thumb to sift through her stack of bills.
“Why would a guy leave his phone number on a condom?”
“Why are you acting like it makes more sense for a girl to leave her phone number on a condom?”
“What if it is a guy, but its for Minho? Win win.” Kibum chimes in.
Jinki chuckles, stabbing out a cigarette, “or it could be a girl for Junghee.”
“Never.” Junghee engulfs Taeyeon, the scent of her shampoo still present under the layers of smoke. “Taeyeon-ah is the only woman for me.” If only. Taeyeon hides behind more laughs. “Plus, that doesn’t make any sense.”
“But she let Key dye his hair green.” Minho points out.
“I can’t stop-”
“And," Jinki grabs the sign and waves it at Junghee, “did you see this?”
“I didn’t-”
“It’s okay Taeyeon, I know Key’s handwriting, and its not like you strapped him down and put that slime on his head.” Junghee shakes Taeyeon’s shoulders, looking into her eyes. “I forgive you my child.” Her statement is sealed with a kiss, warm and wet on the tip of Taeyeon’s nose. The boys cheer until she throws a lighter.
~
Most of the time, people looked at her like she was some kind of otherworldly being. Something to view, not touch. It kept her out of friendships, kept her into trouble with Kibum, the only person that acted like she was human.
Maybe it was because he’d known her since birth, Taeyeon gumming his fingers when his mom pushed his hands towards her. Maybe it was because he really didn’t see her as a person, but some kind of dress up doll created for his enjoyment. Whatever the reason, Taeyeon was grateful to him for always letting her tag along.
When she joins him in highschool he’s in the middle of self discovery and Taeyeon almost gets left behind. Kibum invites her along though, always invites her along, and somehow she ends up in an abandoned café. That’s where she meets Junghee, who is everything she is not. She’s loud and flirtatious and far from perfect. Her nostrils are too big, face too angular, chest too flat, and she is the most beautiful person Taeyeon’s ever set eyes on.
After doing it for so many years its become an obsession, looking at girls. It was her curiosity, what was it that was so different about her? Why did people treat her differently? So she studied, observed. “Stop staring at girls, people think you’re weird”, Kibum would say.
She looks at Junghee for half a minute, eyes wide, unblinking, the spell only broken when the other girl laughs and grabs her hands. “You’re an odd one aren’t you? You’ll fit right in.” It’s the first time Taeyeon’s felt another woman’s fingers in her own.
Junghee is responsible for a number of Taeyeon’s firsts, not that she knows it. Like her first kiss. The four of them graduate, throw themselves into creation, Taeyeon once again stuck wondering the halls alone. One day, at their favorite ice cream shop, Jinki announces they are naming the band.
Junghee clanks four bottles of soju onto the table. “Let’s celebrate.”
“But, what is the name?” Taeyeon’s learned to talk from time to time.
“There is no name," Minho rolls his eyes. “Kibum and Junghee came up with the great plan to get drunk and think of one.”
“It is a great plan. We have our first gig in a week and we can’t play without a name. Drastic times cause for drastic measures.”
“Your face is drastic.”
“Thank you, kind Sir.” Kibum slides a full double shot glass in front of Minho. “Now drink up.”
Sometime later, Jinki and Kibum have given up, just taking on personal stage names, and Junghee is standing on the table in triumph.
“How do you even pronounce that?”
“It’s not a word.” Junghee shakes her bangs out of her eyes. “It’s an acronym, oh oh why es.”
“What does it stand for?” Taeyeon is flushed, but she’s still doing better than Minho.
“Other Ones You See.”
“Junghee and the OOYS?”
“Yes, its very hipster I think, people will like that.”
“Um.” Suddenly Junghee’s face is very, very close to her own. She goes crosseyed focusing on her honey colored hair slipping through Junghee’s fingers.
“I knew you’d agree with me Taeyeon-ah.” She doesn’t remember much besides the taste of Junghee’s bubblegum lipgloss and the spirals of heat running up and down her spine.
“So," Kibum tells her one day, “Jinki likes you.”
“Oh?” Taeyeon fingers the tube of lipgloss in her pocket, the one she’d seen Junghee drop while they were lugging equipment.
“Yeah.”
“Oh…”
Some things that never happen: Jinki never says anything. Junghee never takes herself out of anyone’s personal space. They never officially name the band. (They get together and repeat the ritual once a week.
“Rudiments?”
“Yeah, but with Roo.”
“Like your fucking dog?!”) Time never stops moving. They never stop getting better. Taeyeon never stops watching.
Some things that do happen: Kibum starts talking to himself more than anyone else, his songs become sad. (Junghee just rides that wave though, penning everyone’s heart into a verse.) Minho starts reciprocating Junghee’s invasions of personal space. Jinki finds a competition.
“Let’s do it.” Junghee declares after reading over the forms. “We’re pretty famous locally.”
“They call us ‘That Band’.” Kibum blows a stream of smoke from his lips, passing a joint to Minho.
“Only because we don’t have a name. It’s been two years guys, we gotta crack into the mainstream.”
“Like eggs?”
“What? Oh hell. Taeyeon get that from him.”
Jinki takes it for himself. “Junghee, its $500 just to register, plus we’d need to find a way to get all our stuff there.”
“So we’ll rent a van. Two mil, tops.” She pops a sucker into her mouth.
“And how are we going to get two million won in time?”
Taeyeon slides the papers from under Junghee’s leg, eyes panning down to the grand prize, a chance to open for some Western band during their world tour.
“Easy, we do what we do best.”
“How do we crack if we’re human though? Human eggs don’t crack.”
~
It’s easier than they thought. The night Kibum shows up with green hair is the night they make bank. Junghee kisses the closest person and, afterwards, complains that Taeyeon’s lips taste just like hers.
The last week, full of practices, is less about pizza and weed. Now more about how long it takes for Junghee to lay on the floor, covered in sweat, tangled up in her microphone. Minho breaks seven pairs of drumsticks and Taeyeon wraps bandages around Kibum’s raw fingers.
She’s charged with organizing everything. She gets a trailer. She wires the money, emails the forms (types the first word that comes to her head on the line that reads ‘Band Name:_____’). It’s the least she can do, really, her friends dreams are her own and she wants to see them realized. In her eyes Kibum deserves a stage bigger than the world can offer, Junghee deserves the stars. Taeyeon knows they will do well. She just doesn’t know she won’t be sharing the experience with them.
Kibum drapes an arm across her shoulder. His breath in her face isn’t something Taeyeon would add to her list of favorite things anytime soon. They are leaving in two days, but Junghee wanted to party. Jinki's been sworn to sobriety so he can do most of the driving while they recover.
“Tae. Taaaaae.” Kibum slurs, blinking at her through blown pupils. “You, you twin.”
“What?”
Jinki smiles apologetically from across the table. “I’m pretty sure he’s on something.”
“Obviously.” Taeyeon sighs. “Kibum. Let’s go now, ok?” She tries to stand but her friend pulls her back down.
“N-no. Introduce me first.” Kibum laughs, waving at Taeyeon’s left shoulder.
Taeyeon kisses him on the forehead. “That’s Taeyeon 2.0, you won’t like her, she’ll kick your ass tomorrow for throwing up on her bathroom floor instead of in the toilet like a considerate person.” Kibum frowns, pulling back from her like he’s not so on board with that plan. “I’m going to find Junghee and we’re going to leave.”
She threads through the crowd and the neon lights, looking behind curtains and under doors until she finds her, them, in a dark corner next to an emergency exit. Junghee’s head is thrown back against the wall, Minho’s face buried in her neck. Even in the near darkness Taeyeon can see her legs gripping his waist, skirt bunched up, his pants loose around his hips.
Maybe she makes a noise, maybe it’s akin to the sound a strangled cat would make. Maybe her eyes have turned into high beams so the intensity of her stare draws Junghee’s gaze. Whatever happens, Taeyeon feels her heart rise into her throat when Junghee’s eyes meet hers. There is a beat (a movement), another (a groan), and then Junghee is trying to detach herself from Minho.
Taeyeon doesn’t want her to chase after her, feel guilty, apologize, stop. She just wants to get away, to distance herself from the crushing pain in her chest that worsens with every realization. Taeyeon runs. Her hand smacks against a beam and she welcomes the sting.
Kibum and Jinki have relocated, Kibum draped over a gangly kid with thin white lines gleaming on the table in front of him. Taeyeon stalks up and yanks Kibum’s head back just as he leans down to take a hit, snatching the rolled up bill from his hand.
“What the fuck Jinki?”
He shrugs, pushing a bottle cap across the table. “Its not like I can stop him, Key does what he wants. You know that Taeyeon.” As much as she could throttle Jinki, and Kibum, he’s right. Kibum does what he wants, they all do what they fucking want. They all go around on the wings of their dreams and talents and shrug at the consequences. A wish that she could do the same rises in her chest.
Taeyeon rolls the bill between her thumb and forefinger, a cylinder of loneliness. She leans down towards the table, and while sniffing back her tears snorts up the line of fine white powder. It’s not like she has anything to cry over anyway, but they are there resting behind her eyelids, feeding on her sadness and self deprecation. Obese tears threaten to spill with her secrets as she pinches her nose and cracks her jaw, bitterness cascading down her throat.
“Taeyeon…” Jinki is looking at her and she knows then that he knows. That’s okay though, because the right side of her head is already trapped in cotton candy, the lights in the room too bright and the shadows too deep.
“Jinki. Friends don’t let friends-” Taeyeon coughs, then laughs, and laughs. It’s hilarious really, the way Jinki’s eyes bug out of his head like he’s never seen her before. She laughs until she passes out.
“I think you should stop hanging with us for awhile," is the first thing Taeyeon hears when she wakes up completely. Memories of the night before come in flashes of possible dreams and worried lights. There’s an itchy fabric under her cheek and she automatically knows she’s on Kibum’s couch. Only that wasn’t Kibum’s voice.
Junghee is sitting in a chair across from her, flipped sideways in Taeyeon’s vision. She only has on one shoe and her clothes are rumpled like she’d slept in them, if she even slept at all. Her eyes are tired and red, the puffiness under them threatening to swallow them whole.
“You’re kicking me out of the group?” Taeyeon sits up, slowly, her increasing heart rate making her far more alert than she should be. “Right before we leave?”
Junghee just sighs, rubbing the heels of her palms down her cheeks. “You aren’t in the group Taeyeon-ah.”
‘Don’t call me that!’ Taeyeon wants to scream. ‘Don’t say shit like that. Don’t tell me I’m not a part of this.’ “Don’t.”
“Don’t what? What you did was stupid, and dangerous.” Junghee focuses on a spot on the floor, “and scary.”
What she did? What she did? “Are you being serious? The boys do worse things all the time.” Taeyeon needs to yell, to throw things, to talk about the thing she doesn’t want to talk about, but her mind can’t quite catch up yet. It can’t believe this is happening.
“Actually, only Key does. But that’s ok with you right?” Junghee sneers. “You’ve always tried to be like him but you can’t Taeyeon. You’re not him. You’re not them.”
She feels Junghee’s words smarting against her cheek. The conversation, if it can be called that, is derailing faster than she can handle. “Stop. Just stop! I want to be like Kibum? Jesus Junghee, he’s my best friend! How is it weird or strange or some kind of identity crisis that we want to spend time together?”
“You two throw those words around so easily, but you don’t even see what you’re doing to him. What he’s letting you do to him.”
Angry tears splash onto Taeyeon’s skirt. “So you care more about Kibum than I do, is that it? You don’t want me messing up your vibe or whatever?” Always the one kept at arms distance.
“Taeyeon that’s not-”
“Fuck you.” Taeyeon grabs her jacket from where it’s slipped off her shoulders and gets up. “I’m done. Happy?”
“Was your fight because you saw her with Minho?” Kibum pulls some shake through the straw before handing it to her.
“I like your hair, blue looks good on you.” He always gets strawberry shakes. Who likes strawberry shakes?
“Taeyeon.”
She slides the drink back in front of him. “This is disgusting.”
“Taeyeon.”
“You could’ve told me, about Jinki, you know.” She’s going for the shock factor but Kibum doesn’t react, just picks a seed out of his tooth.
“You should’ve listened. Made him happy.”
“And you would’ve been happy?”
Kibum just smiles, chewing on the straw. “If he was.”
They win, nobody ever doubted that they would. Taeyeon watches on the television, a corner of her lip tugging up at the sight of Jinki gripping Kibum’s hand so hard its turned white. Junghee keeps glancing off the side of the stage and Taeyeon tries to ignore it. She knows she’s looking for her.
“So. We won.”
“I saw, congrats.” Taeyeon is sincere.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, you were right.”
“This is why I love you, my cute little sister Taeyeon-ah.”
Taeyeon’s hands grip the edge of her skirt under the table. “I’m not your sister.” The words come out a little harsher than she intended, or maybe just harsh enough.
“Oh," Junghee squints her eyes, licks excess moisture off her lips as she sets her glass down. “Then what are you?” Junghee is baiting her, Taeyeon knows this, but she bites anyway.
“Can we go somewhere else?”
Junghee is responsible for a number of Taeyeon’s firsts, not that she knows it. Taeyeon wants to stay in Junghee’s bed forever. Everything is so soft, the blankets, the sheets, the pillow, her skin. She can’t stop touching it, runs a thumb up and down her side, counting ribs. Her fingers slip over a pink sweet kiss just under Junghee's navel, causing her to giggle.
“Hey, um, Minho and I… we aren’t-”
“I know.”
“Um… do you wanna be?”
Taeyeon untwists the cap on the tube of lipgloss, twirling the wand inside to scrape the edges before dragging it out carefully. She eyes the slick substance, finally almost gone after she’d opened the box from Junghee. Not that it matters, the crazy girl had sent her a lifetime supply. She runs her tongue over her lips after its applied, sticky and sweet, and then she’s moving in double time. The tube is recapped, thrown into her bag, and she is rushing out of the washroom and into the courtyard.
Her phone vibrates and Taeyeon stops to look at the name blinking on the screen, sitting down on the nearest bench to answer it. The campus is busy and she doesn’t want to get trampled. She opens her mouth to say hello but-
“I miss you.” Even over the phone Junghee’s voice grips Taeyeon in the pit of her stomach. She wonders if that feeling will ever stop, not that she wants it to.
“I know.”
“Taeyeon-ah…”
“I miss you too, you know that.”
“Then come be with us.”
The breeze knocks a few flowers from the trees, she watches them float to her feet. Its not that she doesn't want to go. She just wants a time where she isn't defined by those undefinable. She's going to study, climb, claw, and fight. She'll make it in her own way, and when her name is heading a record company, then and only then will Taeyeon find her band.
A/N: Half the time I hate it and half the time I'm OK with it. Regardless, if organization and structure were my friends this would be more Chaptered Epicry and less Meandering Pile of Words.
It's not related at all but the fic that inspired me to write girl!ee was this wonderful sbb entry :)