it doesn't matter if it is good, it only matters if it rocks!
A lot of people have been talking about the first two Harry Potter films. Now, anyone who has brought them up with me knows that I *hate* them as much as I absolutely adore the third. And I was thinking to myself recently, and I realized: I don't really remember half of what happened in the movies. [ETA: I am remedying this by re-reading SS and CoS for the umpteenth time...actually, the whole series.] I’d thought I’d sum my interpretations of the two in the manner of cleolinda and her ‘In Fifteen Minutes’ parodies. Except...shorter.
HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER’S STONE.
HARRY: Hello, I’m Dan Radcliffe and my head is tiny. For some reason, they let me play Harry Potter even though my hair isn’t jet black nor are my eyes anywhere near green. My underacting is also a major problem. Sorry. If it makes you feel any better, in a few years I’ll become the coolest fourteen-year-old in history.
RON: Hello, I’m Rupert Grint and WATCH MY FACIAL EXPRESSIONS, BITCH! Overacting, yay! Are there any jokes I haven’t beaten into the ground by the end of this movie? I sure hope not!
HERMIONE: Hello, I’m Emma Watson and for the next two and odd hours, I’ll make the character of Hermione into a complete mockery. My acting is slightly better than my two companions, but that’s completely ruined by the fact that I play Hermione as an annoying, prissy bitch for the entire film, instead of the first third.
DRACO: Hello, I’m Tom Felton. [uses his eyebrows to act]
DUMBLEDORE: Hello, I’m Sir Richard Harris and to me, Dumbledore is just a slightly skinnier Santa Claus.
MCGONAGALL: Hello, I’m Dame Maggie Smith and my hair is the wrong color.
SNAPE: [sneers] Hello. Fortunately, I, Alan Rickman, have been cast in this movie. Unfortunately, you’re supposed to hate me. But you won’t, because I am Alan Rickman.
OLIVER WOOD: Hi! I’m Sean Biggerstaff. REALLY Big staff, if you know what I mean. I am unexpectedly sexy.
CAVE TROLL: [is bad CGI]
NORBERT PLOT: [is severely truncated and doesn’t really make sense]
[things happen]
HAGRID: I shouldn’t have said that.
[things happen]
HAGRID: I shouldn’t have said that.
[things happen]
HAGRID: I shouldn’t have said that.
[things happen]
HAGRID: I shouldn’t have said that.
[things happen]
HAGRID: I shouldn’t have said that.
[things happen]
HAGRID: I shouldn’t have said that.
EVE: [bashes her head in]
SORCERER’S STONE: [is even more of a useless plot device than in the book]
CHRIS COLUMBUS: Oh my god, I’m brilliant.
---
HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS
HARRY: I waxed my eyebrows, did you notice?
AUDIENCE: [sniggers]
LUCIUS MALFOY: Hi, I’m Jason Isaacs. I was going to buy a wallet that said, “Badass Motherfucker,” but instead I got this really cool stick with a silver dragon head on it.
TOM RIDDLE: I am Christian Coulson, god of sex. Here, Ginny Weasley, use my diary.
RON’S VOICE: [cracks]
TOM RIDDLE: I am Christian Coulson, god of sex. Kill them all, Ginny, kill them all.
GILDEROY LOCKHART: I am Kenneth Branagh, Shakespearean actor. Oooh, Cornish pixies!
LOCKHART’S VALENTINE’S DAY PARTY: [would have made this film fucking hilarious]
TOM RIDDLE: I am Christian Coulson, god of sex. roooooostersssss, ginny.
HAGRID: Follow the spiders. Because I am so dumb that I want you to walk into a deathtrap.
ARAGOG: [is lame and not scary]
RON’S VOICE: [is cracking so much it makes the entire audience laugh inappropriately during a moment that’s supposed to be scary]
WALL: Enemies of the heir, beware!
NO ONE: [knows where Ginny is]
HARRY: Oh, look. The entrance to the Chamber of Secrets.
TOM RIDDLE: I am Christian Coulson, god of sex. Oh. And I’m also Lord Voldemort.
BASILISK: [is even more lame than Aragog]
BASILISK: Ooops! Harry ran away! Where did Harry go?
ANYONE IN THE AUDIENCE WHO TOOK BASIC BIOLOGY IN MIDDLE SCHOOL: Um, don’t snakes use their sense of SMELL to track their prey?
CHRIS COLUMBUS: is an insult to biology teachers everywhere
TOM RIDDLE: I am Christian Coulson, god of sex. We’re much alike, you and I.
HARRY: Huh?
TOM RIDDLE: Just wait a year or two and you’ll see what I mean.
HARRY: [stabs the diary with basilisk fang]
TOM RIDDLE: I am Christian Coulson, god of SEXXXXXXX!!!... [dies]
POSSIBLY HERMIONE: Hogwarts wouldn’t be the same without you, Hagrid.
GRYFFINDOR TABLE: [applauds]
RAVENCLAW TABLE: [applauds]
HUFFLEPUFF TABLE: [applauds]
SLYTHERIN TABLE: [applauds, for some reason]
SLYTHERIN TABLE: I think Chris Columbus put a hex on our hands.
CAMERA: [pans out, in a really cheesy way]
JOHN WILLIAMS’ SCORE: [is just as cheesy]
EVE: [bashes head in with an even larger blunt object]
EVE: [realizes that she’s completely forgotten about Dobby in writing this review]
EVE: [is a happier and more well-adjusted person because of it]
CHRIS COLUMBUS: I am such a genius, that all of my geniosity has been used up by these two films. I better find another director for ‘Prisoner of Azkaban’. Ooh, I know, how about that guy who directed that Mexican porno?
HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER’S STONE.
HARRY: Hello, I’m Dan Radcliffe and my head is tiny. For some reason, they let me play Harry Potter even though my hair isn’t jet black nor are my eyes anywhere near green. My underacting is also a major problem. Sorry. If it makes you feel any better, in a few years I’ll become the coolest fourteen-year-old in history.
RON: Hello, I’m Rupert Grint and WATCH MY FACIAL EXPRESSIONS, BITCH! Overacting, yay! Are there any jokes I haven’t beaten into the ground by the end of this movie? I sure hope not!
HERMIONE: Hello, I’m Emma Watson and for the next two and odd hours, I’ll make the character of Hermione into a complete mockery. My acting is slightly better than my two companions, but that’s completely ruined by the fact that I play Hermione as an annoying, prissy bitch for the entire film, instead of the first third.
DRACO: Hello, I’m Tom Felton. [uses his eyebrows to act]
DUMBLEDORE: Hello, I’m Sir Richard Harris and to me, Dumbledore is just a slightly skinnier Santa Claus.
MCGONAGALL: Hello, I’m Dame Maggie Smith and my hair is the wrong color.
SNAPE: [sneers] Hello. Fortunately, I, Alan Rickman, have been cast in this movie. Unfortunately, you’re supposed to hate me. But you won’t, because I am Alan Rickman.
OLIVER WOOD: Hi! I’m Sean Biggerstaff. REALLY Big staff, if you know what I mean. I am unexpectedly sexy.
CAVE TROLL: [is bad CGI]
NORBERT PLOT: [is severely truncated and doesn’t really make sense]
[things happen]
HAGRID: I shouldn’t have said that.
[things happen]
HAGRID: I shouldn’t have said that.
[things happen]
HAGRID: I shouldn’t have said that.
[things happen]
HAGRID: I shouldn’t have said that.
[things happen]
HAGRID: I shouldn’t have said that.
[things happen]
HAGRID: I shouldn’t have said that.
EVE: [bashes her head in]
SORCERER’S STONE: [is even more of a useless plot device than in the book]
CHRIS COLUMBUS: Oh my god, I’m brilliant.
---
HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS
HARRY: I waxed my eyebrows, did you notice?
AUDIENCE: [sniggers]
LUCIUS MALFOY: Hi, I’m Jason Isaacs. I was going to buy a wallet that said, “Badass Motherfucker,” but instead I got this really cool stick with a silver dragon head on it.
TOM RIDDLE: I am Christian Coulson, god of sex. Here, Ginny Weasley, use my diary.
RON’S VOICE: [cracks]
TOM RIDDLE: I am Christian Coulson, god of sex. Kill them all, Ginny, kill them all.
GILDEROY LOCKHART: I am Kenneth Branagh, Shakespearean actor. Oooh, Cornish pixies!
LOCKHART’S VALENTINE’S DAY PARTY: [would have made this film fucking hilarious]
TOM RIDDLE: I am Christian Coulson, god of sex. roooooostersssss, ginny.
HAGRID: Follow the spiders. Because I am so dumb that I want you to walk into a deathtrap.
ARAGOG: [is lame and not scary]
RON’S VOICE: [is cracking so much it makes the entire audience laugh inappropriately during a moment that’s supposed to be scary]
WALL: Enemies of the heir, beware!
NO ONE: [knows where Ginny is]
HARRY: Oh, look. The entrance to the Chamber of Secrets.
TOM RIDDLE: I am Christian Coulson, god of sex. Oh. And I’m also Lord Voldemort.
BASILISK: [is even more lame than Aragog]
BASILISK: Ooops! Harry ran away! Where did Harry go?
ANYONE IN THE AUDIENCE WHO TOOK BASIC BIOLOGY IN MIDDLE SCHOOL: Um, don’t snakes use their sense of SMELL to track their prey?
CHRIS COLUMBUS: is an insult to biology teachers everywhere
TOM RIDDLE: I am Christian Coulson, god of sex. We’re much alike, you and I.
HARRY: Huh?
TOM RIDDLE: Just wait a year or two and you’ll see what I mean.
HARRY: [stabs the diary with basilisk fang]
TOM RIDDLE: I am Christian Coulson, god of SEXXXXXXX!!!... [dies]
POSSIBLY HERMIONE: Hogwarts wouldn’t be the same without you, Hagrid.
GRYFFINDOR TABLE: [applauds]
RAVENCLAW TABLE: [applauds]
HUFFLEPUFF TABLE: [applauds]
SLYTHERIN TABLE: [applauds, for some reason]
SLYTHERIN TABLE: I think Chris Columbus put a hex on our hands.
CAMERA: [pans out, in a really cheesy way]
JOHN WILLIAMS’ SCORE: [is just as cheesy]
EVE: [bashes head in with an even larger blunt object]
EVE: [realizes that she’s completely forgotten about Dobby in writing this review]
EVE: [is a happier and more well-adjusted person because of it]
CHRIS COLUMBUS: I am such a genius, that all of my geniosity has been used up by these two films. I better find another director for ‘Prisoner of Azkaban’. Ooh, I know, how about that guy who directed that Mexican porno?