really MUST learn to(as the jerk puts it)"maintain a stiff upper lip"
so I came back to school today.........REALLY FUCKIN EARLY. haha, but it was all good anyhow. Actually feels nice to be back and see everybody. Haven't seen a few faces that I was hoping to see yet, like arien, or isaac :)..or KT MACK :)..megan flye maybe?? GOSH MAYBE even jon robarts! lol, but nope no sign of them yet..but ah, tis only the first day, i will see them soon enough. But it was GREAT, just GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to see everyone again. God, being here makes me really feel like I am a thriving social butterfly, because EVERYONE says hi to me, asks me how my break was, treats me like I actually am a cool, dank, or even *gasp* interesting person. I must say, even for johnson, that college sure beats high school. And of course, with the new semester, comes the ever-mysteriously sweet smell of fresh meat....that's right: NEW PPL! especially new MALE ppls! ;) I mean, I'm not looking to really date anyone this semester, but hey, always nice to make new flirt-buds right? And of course it would be nice to have some more eye candy around this old place. (Because as I get older, and I get more semesters under my belt..the eye candy list SERIOUSLY diminishes.) I just met this really funny, cool, cute new kid at dinner tonite named justin...was a friend of a friend of a friend haha. Even though the dude was taken, and I'm not saying I was interested anyhow, it was still exciting to meet somebody new who's as funny and interesting as him. He made me laugh like the whole time we were at the table. He's also got the killer thing for me that I really like my prospective dates to have: a genuine personality. I think that the reason I have had so much frustration and heartache with exhibit A from my past YEAR of my life is that I sacrificed that one characteristic in falling for him. Ya know, I THOUGHT he was a genuine personality-holding person when I first got to know him, but as the months passed, I began to slowly find out that there was way more to this person than I could even imagine. Friendship/ambiguous relationship(???) with him is like a soda with a poisonous aftertaste. I drink every last drop up and in the back of my mind, I know I'm gonna regret it later, but at the time, it's just what I need, but in the end, every time, like clockwork, it just comes back to hurt me. I mean take tonight for example: He signs on, and I'm immediately excited and eager to talk with him, see how his trip is going with visiting his best friend in a state far south of here, and so I IM him. he responds by asking me if I know this girl ALLISON'S father's name. right, just what i want to see in response to "hey! :)". And as I say "i don't know, i'm not friends with her like YOU ARE"(dumbass), he continues to ask me questions about and related to her/her father, who apparently is a Senator. When I keep responding with I don't know, he just tells me to HURRY. WTF?!! I'm supposed to RUN over to arthurs where the stupid chick lives and ASK HER OR SOMETHING?!! what the hell does he expect me to do, since i know relatively nothing about this stupid girl and don't care to. As if that isn't frustrating enough, he then just goes "ok, ttyl, bye." WELL SORRY I COULDN'T ANSWER YOUR STUPID QUESTIONS BASTARD! Wow, I wonder if he knows how fucking INSIGNIFICANT i feel when one of my best friends who I didn't get to see all break, have barely heard from once since he went on his trip down south proceeds to treat me like I don't matter unless I can answer his questions....GRRRRR!!!!! And he's supposed to come visit on Friday. Am I going to be treated the same way in person too? This sounds really self-centered as well, but sometimes I feel like he cares about his friendship with a mutual great friend of ours more than his friendship with me, to the point where we stop becoming a trio, and end up a duo with a disgruntled third wheel. OF course I raise this point to either of them, and I'm a self-centered brat, so I let them keep ganging up on me with their New Hampshire superiority, so as not to disturb the fragile ecosystem that is my friendship with these two. See why I'm excited about him visiting, but dreading it at the same time?? Sometimes I wonder how I managed to even become friends with him in the first place....and WHY i fell for him a year ago!
But enough of him. It's a waste of journal space to keep babbling on about him. Don't worry, I will definitely ALWAYS have more to say on the subject of H.I.M.! For now I look ahead to the prospect of February vacation. I'm really looking forward to going down to Mass and visiting the relatives with Mom. We're especially going down to see Grandma, who is an important visit for everyone nowadays, as she is ever fragile, even now that she's somewhat healthier. I loved the videotape my cousin Jessie made of my grandparents' 60th anniversary party. I wish SO MUCH that I could have been there. Grandma looked so much healthier than the last time I saw her, it was great to see her captured on video looking as radiant as she was. All the footage of my grandma and grandpa when they were young actually brought tears to my eyes. Grandma was beautiful and Grandpa was devastatingly handsome, and together they slow-danced as if they knew they would be together for the rest of their lives, in perfect 40's splendor. It inspires me how eternally devoted to each other they are. It gives me hope that someday I'll find the man that I can envision slow dancing with into eternity. But for now, I can work on myself, on becoming a better person, a good, kind, loving person. I will sleep on this. Good Night!
But enough of him. It's a waste of journal space to keep babbling on about him. Don't worry, I will definitely ALWAYS have more to say on the subject of H.I.M.! For now I look ahead to the prospect of February vacation. I'm really looking forward to going down to Mass and visiting the relatives with Mom. We're especially going down to see Grandma, who is an important visit for everyone nowadays, as she is ever fragile, even now that she's somewhat healthier. I loved the videotape my cousin Jessie made of my grandparents' 60th anniversary party. I wish SO MUCH that I could have been there. Grandma looked so much healthier than the last time I saw her, it was great to see her captured on video looking as radiant as she was. All the footage of my grandma and grandpa when they were young actually brought tears to my eyes. Grandma was beautiful and Grandpa was devastatingly handsome, and together they slow-danced as if they knew they would be together for the rest of their lives, in perfect 40's splendor. It inspires me how eternally devoted to each other they are. It gives me hope that someday I'll find the man that I can envision slow dancing with into eternity. But for now, I can work on myself, on becoming a better person, a good, kind, loving person. I will sleep on this. Good Night!