(no subject)

[eveline5]

I miss being able to let go. I miss being unafraid of confrontation. I miss getting lost in destructive activity without the crashing waves of "knowing better" rinsing my brain sober. I miss being attached to friends, I miss the romance in friendship. I miss the rush of meeting a girl and upon first eye-contact knowing that the two of you would embark on a reckless fantastic affair; the kind where you tell each other everything on the first date. You're oh so over-protective of one another, and everyone on the outside is seething with jealousy wishing they could be inside this ever exclusive yet increasingly toxic cloud of cigarette smoke in which the two of you reside. Yes, the affair would always come to a screeching halt after six months, and you would be left scratching in the dust wondering why you took it far too far. But it was always worth it because (even then) you knew those short-lived-days would define a critical chapter of your life. I don't remember the last time I made that kind of friend. When you're in a relationship do you have to let go of friendships that magnetic? Is it impossible to have intimacy with more then one person? Or does the part of yourself that needs to engage in 'epic friendships' get lost in the thick of growing up?

It just occurred to me, this minute, that today is a very strange day. August 28th marks the end of something very significant. Something very beautiful and free and exotic that somehow kinda crashed into my life at 16 and changed everything.

(I don't feel things the same way that I did, then. Since you left us. A part of me shut-down. A part of me that was fearless. and fun. and a basket-case. I'm so safe and sterile now.)

RIP.