Angry
I am so fucking SICK AND TIRED of my fucking knee being fucked up! It's been this way since October, GET OVER IT!
Ballet is supposed to be FUN. It's my fucking HOBBY! It's what I do to GET AWAY from the real shit-hole world! But it can't BE fun with I CAN'T FUCKING DO IT! It can't be fun when I'm scared shitless of going up on pointe on my left side. It can't be fun when I'm so worried about my FUCKING KNEE that I don't pay attention to, oh, I don't know, pointing my toes, or maybe keeping my legs and back straight and my chest lifted and all the damn basics of ballet I learned when I was seven!!!
And it can't be fun when I look in the mirror and see me compared to my class and know that the reason I stick out like a sore thumb isn't because I'm the oldest, or becuase I've been dancing the longest, or that I'm the only one wearing pants. No. It's because I'm the FAT FUCKING COW to scared about hurting her knee to get anything RIGHT!
I hate thinking about ballet and thinking, "...shit..." That's not what pointe has ever been for me until my knee was fucked up. Ever. And it makes me sick, and angry, and sad that now it does. It makes me sick, and angry, and sad that I can't do combinations THAT I SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO, DAMMIT!!!
I'm just tired of it. ::cries::
Ballet is supposed to be FUN. It's my fucking HOBBY! It's what I do to GET AWAY from the real shit-hole world! But it can't BE fun with I CAN'T FUCKING DO IT! It can't be fun when I'm scared shitless of going up on pointe on my left side. It can't be fun when I'm so worried about my FUCKING KNEE that I don't pay attention to, oh, I don't know, pointing my toes, or maybe keeping my legs and back straight and my chest lifted and all the damn basics of ballet I learned when I was seven!!!
And it can't be fun when I look in the mirror and see me compared to my class and know that the reason I stick out like a sore thumb isn't because I'm the oldest, or becuase I've been dancing the longest, or that I'm the only one wearing pants. No. It's because I'm the FAT FUCKING COW to scared about hurting her knee to get anything RIGHT!
I hate thinking about ballet and thinking, "...shit..." That's not what pointe has ever been for me until my knee was fucked up. Ever. And it makes me sick, and angry, and sad that now it does. It makes me sick, and angry, and sad that I can't do combinations THAT I SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO, DAMMIT!!!
I'm just tired of it. ::cries::