ruminations on freedom...
Though I am told I am free,
In my parents house,
I do not feel it,
not as my siblings seem to.
It is true, that once
they dictated my every breath,
and felt they were in the right doing so,
didn't even feel as if what they were doing,
was oppressive and suffocating.
It is also true,
that the threat of violence
anger and aggression,
unrelated or related to my actions,
provoked or unprovoked, hung heavy in the air.
And it is true,
that blame and guilt
neediness and the worlds problems,
were laid at my door.
But all of that was supposedly in the past.
And if I came back now,
I'd be left unperturbed and undisturbed,
everyones changed,
everyones learnt a lesson,
supposedly.
I do not believe the anger is gone.
And I do not believe the guilt trips would vanish,
but I do question whether they'd still try and control me,
the way they once did,
surely I've shown them, for a long time,
that I am now an adult,
my own person.
(Certainly I would find again
a stable roof over my head,
a lack of financial worries,
food when I need it,
without the extra cognitive load,
you wonder if it's worth it...)
But that is a long term question,
and may it remain forever long term,
In the short term I wonder,
why it is that I feel so inert
when I am there.
So weighed down,
suffocated by the air.
frozen?
(And in a way there is comfort in this,
as I sit there sharing moments with my siblings.)
It points, it really does,
to the positives of living apart,
distance from these feelings,
though as yet, I have no clue,
if its within myself, internal,
memories of emotions that wont go away.
or if my parents words don't match their actions,
and I am feeling the external thoughts around me,
and nothing at all has really changed,
except my will to ignore it all.