What to do, what to do...
I don't know what to do. This is why 18 year olds should not be without their mothers.
I'm bad at making friends. I'm never going to be that super outgoing, funny person. I'm not in any way out of the ordinary. I'm shy. I'm not the one you call up to have a lot of fun with. I'm the one you call with all your problems when you're more amusing friends have left you. I do pride myself on my listening and loyalty and intelligence, but people can't see those things sitting across a classroom.
And there goes the voice in the back of my head again, "You just haven't met the right people yet. You'll find where you are supposed to fit." It's my mother saying that. My mother who, although I love her, could never see that I might be boring and bumbling and fat and uninteresting.
And "my people..." Who are these mystery people, and where the fuck are they? Why aren't they out searching for me too? When do I get to stop sitting here lonely, and connect with someone? It took me a year and a half in middle school to settle into my group of friends. A year and a half when I had the luxury of seeing the same 100 faces everyday in a lunch room. Here, I can barely keep my head above water in the 40,000. Even through that year and a half, I had Claire. As much as we drifted in and out of each others lives, I had someone that knew me backward and forward. Here, nothing is solid.
This university is too good to give up. The academics make me so happy. I love my classes and my genius professors and the people who challenge me. So what is to be done about this loneliness that I continue to feel even after four months???
If only I could put aside my thoughts of people and accept college for what it is: school, not an experience.
I'm bad at making friends. I'm never going to be that super outgoing, funny person. I'm not in any way out of the ordinary. I'm shy. I'm not the one you call up to have a lot of fun with. I'm the one you call with all your problems when you're more amusing friends have left you. I do pride myself on my listening and loyalty and intelligence, but people can't see those things sitting across a classroom.
And there goes the voice in the back of my head again, "You just haven't met the right people yet. You'll find where you are supposed to fit." It's my mother saying that. My mother who, although I love her, could never see that I might be boring and bumbling and fat and uninteresting.
And "my people..." Who are these mystery people, and where the fuck are they? Why aren't they out searching for me too? When do I get to stop sitting here lonely, and connect with someone? It took me a year and a half in middle school to settle into my group of friends. A year and a half when I had the luxury of seeing the same 100 faces everyday in a lunch room. Here, I can barely keep my head above water in the 40,000. Even through that year and a half, I had Claire. As much as we drifted in and out of each others lives, I had someone that knew me backward and forward. Here, nothing is solid.
This university is too good to give up. The academics make me so happy. I love my classes and my genius professors and the people who challenge me. So what is to be done about this loneliness that I continue to feel even after four months???
If only I could put aside my thoughts of people and accept college for what it is: school, not an experience.