a story, by heidi korens and evan parsons.
Ella walked by the meat shop advertising pigs feet. She stopped and
stared through the window at the severed hoofs covered in plastic wrap.
The shop had long since closed for the day, as it was already dark. But
she was hungry. For some real meat.
"whoire will oye ever get som meoit?"
Ella walked and walked until she came across another meat shop. It appeared to be open but when she tried the knob, no dice. "whoi does it loik open when it ain't opoin at oil?" She tried the door again, and gazed psychotically at the butcher who was turning the sausage maker handle round and round. He smiled at her and waved.
"Foick yoi!!!!!" She screamed and stomped down the street, her head and hair flying everywhere.
Her purse hit a little old man waiting for the bus and after he fell, he whispered, "Noibodoi hailps mei."
"whail, mayboi it's becoise ye GAT NOI MEAT!" and she spat on him and stormed away.
She wandered the streets and finally came to a little asian shop advertising whole barbecued chickens in the window. Drool seeped out of her mouth and down her chin as she walked into the shop. "I noid the big chickoin!" Ella demanded "Oim Hoingroi!!"
"I apologise, miss, but the chicken you require happens to be reserved."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!"
"My apologies, madam. Perhaps i can interest you in a sma-"
"Moithoir! FOICKOIR! I NOID THE BIG CHICKOIN!" She raged, and jumped and clicked her heels (this is what Ella does when she's particularly angry and hungry.
The butcher looked at her with wide eyes, frightened for his life.
Ella jumped up onto the counter top and grabbed the chicken off of its peg and ran out the door. Bystanders on the street had never been a witness to the glorious sight of Ella consuming the bird. Newspapers ran fucking headlines. "Did you see that bird eating bitch?" they inquired. "What the fuck was that!" But, what else does one say. For years, rumours went around that the ferocity of which she ate the bird caused her to accidentally eat half of her own arm. Which, was a shame because she was wearing a particularly expensive watch. (Ironman triathlon 756-g). Pissed, she comforted herself in knowing that she would eventually expel the watch out of her arse. It was, after all, water and digestion proof.
Ella walked to the drug store to buy some laxatives, as she needed the watch to remember when to meet up with her date that night. She bought SuperStrength Exlax, the chocolate kind. She gorfed that shit down, even though her stomach was already full. Then she caught the city bus to downtown.
"Oi hope hoi doisn't mind moi bloidy stump of an airm!" She exclaimed to some random strangers. Then, pointing to her chest she completed her grounbreaking statement. "It's woit's in hoir that counts!" She grinned like a maniac and sat down beside an adolescent boy apoligising to his mummy on the phone about how he left his dirty underwear in the kitchen. "Oi moi! Yoi yoiung uns shoire aire oidd!" Suddenly, Ella's guts started to ache. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" It was the scream not of a human being, but more akin to a dying grizzly bear. Her body began to quiver and squirm. Her stump expelled a marbly liquid. Ella got up out of her seat and farted horribly. "LOIT MEI OIFF!! LOIT MEI OIFF THEI BUS!! I AIM DOIYING! I NOID TO EXPEILL MY GOITS!" She screamed at the bus driver.
"Sorry, madam, but I cannot stop the bus. You must wait until the next stop and then you can find a toilet."
Ella started to sweat profusely, and darted her eyes at all of the passengers listening to their I-Pods. She wondered briefly what one might taste like. Suddenly, she felt fine. Her body stopped shaking and she no longer wanted to vomit. But the overall mood of the passengers had shifted. Nobody was looking at her, but at the ground beneath her. She looked toward the floor, past her bulbuous midsection, and, laying there was what appeared to be a newborn child.
The adolescent boy looked up at her. "Th-th-th-that c-c-came OIT OF YER OIRM!" he said, and started to clap slowly.
One by one, the entire group of passengers followed his lead, the clapping growing quickly into an uproarious cacophany.
With the thunderous applaud, Ella finally registered that the baby was in fact hers. She picked the mucousy child off of the floor and gazed into his eyes, wiping the afterbirth from his face. "QUOIOT! EVEROIYONE! OI Thoink heois gonnai saiy hois foist woids!!"
The bus silenced.
"...cluck!"
"whoire will oye ever get som meoit?"
Ella walked and walked until she came across another meat shop. It appeared to be open but when she tried the knob, no dice. "whoi does it loik open when it ain't opoin at oil?" She tried the door again, and gazed psychotically at the butcher who was turning the sausage maker handle round and round. He smiled at her and waved.
"Foick yoi!!!!!" She screamed and stomped down the street, her head and hair flying everywhere.
Her purse hit a little old man waiting for the bus and after he fell, he whispered, "Noibodoi hailps mei."
"whail, mayboi it's becoise ye GAT NOI MEAT!" and she spat on him and stormed away.
She wandered the streets and finally came to a little asian shop advertising whole barbecued chickens in the window. Drool seeped out of her mouth and down her chin as she walked into the shop. "I noid the big chickoin!" Ella demanded "Oim Hoingroi!!"
"I apologise, miss, but the chicken you require happens to be reserved."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!"
"My apologies, madam. Perhaps i can interest you in a sma-"
"Moithoir! FOICKOIR! I NOID THE BIG CHICKOIN!" She raged, and jumped and clicked her heels (this is what Ella does when she's particularly angry and hungry.
The butcher looked at her with wide eyes, frightened for his life.
Ella jumped up onto the counter top and grabbed the chicken off of its peg and ran out the door. Bystanders on the street had never been a witness to the glorious sight of Ella consuming the bird. Newspapers ran fucking headlines. "Did you see that bird eating bitch?" they inquired. "What the fuck was that!" But, what else does one say. For years, rumours went around that the ferocity of which she ate the bird caused her to accidentally eat half of her own arm. Which, was a shame because she was wearing a particularly expensive watch. (Ironman triathlon 756-g). Pissed, she comforted herself in knowing that she would eventually expel the watch out of her arse. It was, after all, water and digestion proof.
Ella walked to the drug store to buy some laxatives, as she needed the watch to remember when to meet up with her date that night. She bought SuperStrength Exlax, the chocolate kind. She gorfed that shit down, even though her stomach was already full. Then she caught the city bus to downtown.
"Oi hope hoi doisn't mind moi bloidy stump of an airm!" She exclaimed to some random strangers. Then, pointing to her chest she completed her grounbreaking statement. "It's woit's in hoir that counts!" She grinned like a maniac and sat down beside an adolescent boy apoligising to his mummy on the phone about how he left his dirty underwear in the kitchen. "Oi moi! Yoi yoiung uns shoire aire oidd!" Suddenly, Ella's guts started to ache. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" It was the scream not of a human being, but more akin to a dying grizzly bear. Her body began to quiver and squirm. Her stump expelled a marbly liquid. Ella got up out of her seat and farted horribly. "LOIT MEI OIFF!! LOIT MEI OIFF THEI BUS!! I AIM DOIYING! I NOID TO EXPEILL MY GOITS!" She screamed at the bus driver.
"Sorry, madam, but I cannot stop the bus. You must wait until the next stop and then you can find a toilet."
Ella started to sweat profusely, and darted her eyes at all of the passengers listening to their I-Pods. She wondered briefly what one might taste like. Suddenly, she felt fine. Her body stopped shaking and she no longer wanted to vomit. But the overall mood of the passengers had shifted. Nobody was looking at her, but at the ground beneath her. She looked toward the floor, past her bulbuous midsection, and, laying there was what appeared to be a newborn child.
The adolescent boy looked up at her. "Th-th-th-that c-c-came OIT OF YER OIRM!" he said, and started to clap slowly.
One by one, the entire group of passengers followed his lead, the clapping growing quickly into an uproarious cacophany.
With the thunderous applaud, Ella finally registered that the baby was in fact hers. She picked the mucousy child off of the floor and gazed into his eyes, wiping the afterbirth from his face. "QUOIOT! EVEROIYONE! OI Thoink heois gonnai saiy hois foist woids!!"
The bus silenced.
"...cluck!"