leave it well enough alone and don't remember
oh god, i couldn't have made a bigger mess if i'd tried. and i did try, good christ i must've been completely out of my mind on tuesday. why oh why did Michael let me leave the house alone in a mood like that? but i know the answer; because it's what Michael does. he can read me like a book and he tries to respect me by giving me space when i need it and being there when i don't. but he knew, he knew i was bad off and he let me go anyway. not that this is his fault, Michael's never tried to control me or demand anything from me other than that one time, and he realized he was wrong then. and he shouldn't have to step in like that, i'm an adult and i'm responsible for my own actions. i just wish this had been the one time he had tried to stop me.
i left the house right after sunset, intending to go straight to the cemeteries and get into some good knock down drag out fights. instead, i went by Ralph's for a quick meal and a drink. i know my behavior was strange, but he never should've followed me. i'm still not sure why he did, i said some hurtful things to him in the bar. things seemed to escalate from there and it was like watching it happen, knowing the outcome, and not being able to do anything about it. i told him to go home, i told him many many times, but he refused.
gods, and i was mean and awful, i kept at him about Paige. i knew her death had hurt him more than he'd ever let on and i knew he felt the pain i felt and i just wanted someone to hurt like i did and....i was awful to him. then i...i know how i get when i'm in that mood, i'm angry and i don't care about anything, i can't feel anything until i crash so i do things to try and get some kind of feeling, any feeling, just so i can feel again. i backed him into a tree and offered to follow through on our harmless flirting.
but that wasn't the worst of it, right after he turned me down i spotted a demon and went after it. and ok, i have a weapon! i'm using the weappon! i went AFTER the demon with said weapon! what part of that makes you think if you're unarmed, you should charge in and save me? he was messed up pretty bad, the demon i chose had poisonous claws and he took a swipe from them across his chest. i'd lost some of my edge after i killed it, which was all i was looking for, a way to deal with this anger and grief until it subsided. but Ralph was hurt and he asked me to give him a ride so he could get fixed up and i did and....
i never should've gone into the bedroom. but i could tell he was having a hard time just moving and i wanted to help, he did get hurt trying to save me. at first he tried to refuse my help until it was obvious he needed it, and i had to get him in the shower, he was passing out and i had to get as much of the poison out of the cuts as i could so i...i helped him shower, but he passed out on me again.
it would've been ok, i could still say neither of us had done anything wrong if he hadn't of woken up screaming Paige's name while i was bandaging him up. the pain in his voice, gods it broke my heart and that's when it happened; everything came flooding back and i crashed, hard. and he wasn't wrong, he was just being a friend and trying to help me and i was a mess. i was breaking down, i'd forgotten he was there, that i was still wet from propping him up in the shower and when i tried to fight my way back from the overwhelming emotions that were battering me, i did the only thing i know. he was there, holding me and he was warm and i...oh god, i'm still mortified but i tried to...i asked him to make love to me. and oh god, god, when he did the right thing and turned me down again i just...i tried to apologize, but i had to get out of there. i felt so exposed, physically and emotionally naked and i couldn't...
i didn't even go home that night. i went to my old condo, it's not currently being rented and i didn't know where else to go. i called Michael shortly after i arrived and he didn't seem that surprised to hear i wasn't coming home. the next evening just before sunset he sent Peregrine to retrieve me, and when i got home he didn't say anything other than to ask if i was feeling better. i know he knows sometihng happened, but he hasn't asked so far. he's always prefered to let me come to him, and usually i do. i just don't know if i can and have him be rational about this.
and i don't have time tonite to try and talk to him. Izzy's throwing a get together for Eva before her and Cristoff's wedding. guess where? oh yes, down at Ralph's. i wanted to try and get out of it, i've thought of excuses but nothing seems good enough. Eva's my sister, i have to go and just hope like hell i can avoid Ralph.
i left the house right after sunset, intending to go straight to the cemeteries and get into some good knock down drag out fights. instead, i went by Ralph's for a quick meal and a drink. i know my behavior was strange, but he never should've followed me. i'm still not sure why he did, i said some hurtful things to him in the bar. things seemed to escalate from there and it was like watching it happen, knowing the outcome, and not being able to do anything about it. i told him to go home, i told him many many times, but he refused.
gods, and i was mean and awful, i kept at him about Paige. i knew her death had hurt him more than he'd ever let on and i knew he felt the pain i felt and i just wanted someone to hurt like i did and....i was awful to him. then i...i know how i get when i'm in that mood, i'm angry and i don't care about anything, i can't feel anything until i crash so i do things to try and get some kind of feeling, any feeling, just so i can feel again. i backed him into a tree and offered to follow through on our harmless flirting.
but that wasn't the worst of it, right after he turned me down i spotted a demon and went after it. and ok, i have a weapon! i'm using the weappon! i went AFTER the demon with said weapon! what part of that makes you think if you're unarmed, you should charge in and save me? he was messed up pretty bad, the demon i chose had poisonous claws and he took a swipe from them across his chest. i'd lost some of my edge after i killed it, which was all i was looking for, a way to deal with this anger and grief until it subsided. but Ralph was hurt and he asked me to give him a ride so he could get fixed up and i did and....
i never should've gone into the bedroom. but i could tell he was having a hard time just moving and i wanted to help, he did get hurt trying to save me. at first he tried to refuse my help until it was obvious he needed it, and i had to get him in the shower, he was passing out and i had to get as much of the poison out of the cuts as i could so i...i helped him shower, but he passed out on me again.
it would've been ok, i could still say neither of us had done anything wrong if he hadn't of woken up screaming Paige's name while i was bandaging him up. the pain in his voice, gods it broke my heart and that's when it happened; everything came flooding back and i crashed, hard. and he wasn't wrong, he was just being a friend and trying to help me and i was a mess. i was breaking down, i'd forgotten he was there, that i was still wet from propping him up in the shower and when i tried to fight my way back from the overwhelming emotions that were battering me, i did the only thing i know. he was there, holding me and he was warm and i...oh god, i'm still mortified but i tried to...i asked him to make love to me. and oh god, god, when he did the right thing and turned me down again i just...i tried to apologize, but i had to get out of there. i felt so exposed, physically and emotionally naked and i couldn't...
i didn't even go home that night. i went to my old condo, it's not currently being rented and i didn't know where else to go. i called Michael shortly after i arrived and he didn't seem that surprised to hear i wasn't coming home. the next evening just before sunset he sent Peregrine to retrieve me, and when i got home he didn't say anything other than to ask if i was feeling better. i know he knows sometihng happened, but he hasn't asked so far. he's always prefered to let me come to him, and usually i do. i just don't know if i can and have him be rational about this.
and i don't have time tonite to try and talk to him. Izzy's throwing a get together for Eva before her and Cristoff's wedding. guess where? oh yes, down at Ralph's. i wanted to try and get out of it, i've thought of excuses but nothing seems good enough. Eva's my sister, i have to go and just hope like hell i can avoid Ralph.