Book Review (really more of thoughts): Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Well, on the advice of priscillapuck, I decided to go the pedantic route and take notes on my first impressions of Deathly Hallows.
Chapter One: The Dark Lord Ascending:
Oh, huh. I thought it would be Trelawney. To finally put to rest the whole prophecy thing. I guess we’re just dropping that all together, then?
Voldemort and some Death Eaters plot vaguely and then someone I don’t care about dies. I swear I’ve seen this happen before, but where? Hmmmm…
(Or, to paraphrase my friend, priscillapuck: “Tonight the part of Frank Bryce will be played by…”)
Chapter Two: In Memoriam
The wizarding world has some seriously off standards. They teach young wizards how to turn small animals into flatware, but not how to apply the magical equivalent of a Band-Aid.
Oh, my God, it’s like a filler episode of anime. Seriously, I remember what happened in the previous books, thanks. I wouldn’t be reading this one otherwise.
Sirius’s mirror is actually going to be important? Who knew?
Harry, I know you’re upset that Rita Skeeter is making shit up about Dumbledore, but you are focusing on the entirely wrong thing here. Perhaps you should be more concerned that she is implying that he was abusing you and you killed him for it.
Chapter Three: The Dursleys Departing
On the front piece: Is Harry shaking hands with Dudley?
On the chapter: Yes. Yes, he is. Good show, Dudley. Way to not be a complete jerk. There’s some hope for you yet.
Chapter Four: The Seven Potters
I love you, Fred and George.
I like how this plan puts as many known cast members as possible in potential danger. It’s like Rowling’s daring us to take bets on who is going to die first.
HEDWIG! OMG! SHE FUCKING KILLED HEDWIG!
In other news, this fight scene freaking rocks.
Chapter Five: The Fallen Warrior
Hagrid’s not dead, Harry. It’s the beginning of the chapter; too obvious.
I wonder how frequently Andromeda has random people on the street shout at her because she looks like her sister. I imagine at least once a week.
Remus, I certainly don’t want Harry dead, but let’s not be urging Harry to try out any more Unforgivables here.
I love you, George and Fred.
This scene stopped being tense pretty quick: there are only two groups missing. One is Moody and Mundungus, and the other is Bill and Fleur. The eighth chapter is called “The Wedding.” And I seriously doubt Moody and Mundungus are going to tie the knot.
Yeah, well, Harry doesn’t exactly treat his friends the way James did, does he, Remus?
Oh look! Now that it’s convenient to do so, Harry can see through Voldemort’s eyes again! Please tell me that Voldemort at least has an inkling that this happening? I don’t want this to turn into deus ex plot device.
Chapter Six: The Ghoul in Pajamas
Ron and Hermione have been doing a lot more thinking about this Horcrux hunting thing than you have, Harry. Perhaps you should listen to them.
Oh, Hermione! I feel so bad for you, even if that is the creepiest thing to do to your parents ever!
Pretty amazing how Dumbledore gave you practically no useful information, isn’t it, guys? Thank goodness Hermione actually did some freaking research.
Chapter Seven: The Will of Albus Dumbledore
I cannot believe Ron just gave Harry a book of dating advice.
Well, actually I can, but still.
Harry does not appear to need said dating advice book, because he’s about to score with Ginny. Go Harry!
Okay, I know I should stop focusing on Ron and his amazing present, but does Ron think Harry was trying to hit on his mother with that compliment about the Snitch cake? And he approves?
So apparently, Dumbledore didn’t think their quest was vague enough to begin with, so he left the Trio clues in his will to make it even more oblique?
What the…? When did Scrimgeour start channeling Snape?
Holy shit. You’re gonna die, Harry. That’s what that means.
Chapter Eight: The Wedding
Okay, they’re married. Let the shit hit the fan!
Ron, Luna is not here to entertain you. She is here to lend a sense of pure awesome to this otherwise boring chapter.
OooOOooh, mysterious Dumbledore backstory! Well, duh, he’s not as great as you thought, Harry. No one is that preternaturally good.
See, this is why a strong executive figure isn’t always a good idea. Death Eaters take out one guy and suddenly, WHAM! the entire government is evil.
Chapter Nine: A Place to Hide
What the hell, Hermione? I love your Bag of Holding and all, but you were carrying everything you needed for an epic journey to the wedding for no apparent reason?
Even in the magical world of Harry Potter, there’s street harassment. Figures.
I should hope you know the theory behind Memory Charms, Hermione, considering you altered the memories of both your parents!
Huh? Wha? Those are the spells that have been set up against Snape? Next are we going to stick his hand in a bowl of peeled grapes and tell him they’re eyeballs?
Harry, if you start obsessing over Draco again, I’m going to kill you.
Chapter Ten: Kreacher’s Tale
Meanwhile, Harry, Hermione and Ron finally work out what fans figured out hours after book six came out.
It must really suck to be a house elf, if all it takes to make one your friend is to be nice to it once.
Chapter Eleven: The Bribe
On one hand: Harry, you need to stop projecting your issues on someone who hasn’t even been born yet. On the other hand: Remus, what made you think this would go over well with some who has lost every parental figure he’s ever had?
Oh, it’s Umbridge who took the bribe. I was wondering what was up with the chapter title.
Chapter Twelve: Magic Is Might
Oh, hey. Harry can Apparate now? Good for him.
Good Lord, you just thought of Phineas Nigellus now? You’ve been there for weeks! How do you know he doesn’t already know you’re there?
The Trio is so cool when they’re plotting.
Well, you got in. Now what?
Things go to hell, apparently.
Chapter Thirteen: The Muggle-Born Registration Commission
Where the hell is the rest of Moody? I hate you more than ever, Umbridge.
Is it wrong that I am more seriously creeped out by Umbridge’s Post-It Note than any of Voldemort’s big ol’ speeches?
Holy crap, wizards, what is wrong with you? Experimental Charms is probably the last department that should have careless people. It would also make spotting obvious decoys that much easier.
Stealing magic? This here is the problem with wizards: they do everything the same for centuries, and don’t investigate anything.
Ah, Umbridge. Like a pig in shit. Blast her in the face, Harry.
Chapter Fourteen: The Thief
You’re putting it on? YOU’RE PUTTING IT ON?! Have you lost your mind, Harry? Don’t put on the One Ring Horcrux!
Gee, Hermione, should Harry try to use Occulemency? I don’t think you’ve expressed your opinion on this yet.
Chapter Fifteen: The Goblin’s Revenge
Day 12: the expedition turns whiny.
See, it is the One Ring. A One Ring that makes you irritable and obnoxious instead of expressly evil.
The passive-aggressive goblin’s revenge. Boy, you showed them.
Ron! Get back there, Ron! You’ll regret it in five minutes, and then you won’t be able to find them again!
Chapter Sixteen: Godric’s Hollow
Are we leaving these woods for the next plot point yet? Yes? FINALLY.
Chapter Seventeen: Bathilda’s Secret
Did Rita Skeeter pull a Lockhart on Bathilda? At some point, Harry is going to beat Rita up, right?
Ah! WTF! Okay, I admit that didn’t think that Bathilda’s secret would be that she was a snake.
Wow. Having a vision of killing your own parents must be pretty scarring.
And speaking of scarring: Harry, you idiot. You deserve that scar. Take the damn thing off. You have a bag no one but you can open!
Oh no! Harry’s impotent!
Chapter Eighteen: The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore
Wait. Hang on. So, there was no tangible benefit to going to Godric’s Hollow? Nice fake out, Rowling.
On the other hand, we’re back in the damn woods AGAIN.
I’m sorry, Rita, but your language is not impenetrable enough to be an actual biography.
Dumbledore: Magical Proto-Nazi.
Chapter Nineteen: The Silver Doe
That’s right, Harry. Wander off on your own. There’s no way Dark Wizards know anything about beautiful illusions.
Oh, shit, Harry, look out. The Green Knight is going to pounce on you and challenge you to a duel now.
Wow, Harry certainly is naked a lot in this book.
See, SEE! Ron agrees with me, Harry! Ron, the only character consistently more dense than you. TAKE IT OFF!
Of course it opens with Parseltongue. Just like everything else that belonged to Salazar Slytherin.
Ah, they’re going to take turns destroying the last three Horcruxes, are they? That’s egalitarian.
Oh, dear. Don’t taunt the Harmonians, Rowling. I’m surprised Ron didn’t crush the Horcrux with an anvil at this point.
Remind me to never piss Hermione off. Wow.
How…convenient that Dumbledore gave Ron a device with two not entirely related purposes. And knew Ron well enough to know that he would need the, um, teleportation-to-the-ones-you-love-after-acting-like-a-total-prat-and-running-out-on-them purpose.
Chapter Twenty: Xenophilius Lovegood
Wait, the Death Eaters took over the Ministry and immediately got the paperwork processed to make Voldemort’s name Taboo, enabling them to catch up to Harry and Co. not twenty minutes later? When the hell did the Death Eaters become efficient?
And, wait. Weren’t they still using Voldemort’s name at Grimmauld Place?
Wow, four hundred pages in and we finally get to the title.
Chapter Twenty-One: The Tale of the Three Brothers
Even in wizarding fairy tales, it’s always best to be the third sibling. They seem to be preternaturally blessed with wisdom.
Hey, Harry. An extremely powerful wand. I wonder who might be interested in something like that? Maybe someone who has been weeding through all the resident wandmakers?
Well, you know what they say: if in the first chapter there’s an Erumpent horn on the wall, in the following one it has to go off.
Chapter Twenty-Two: The Deathly Hallows
Why, yes, it is a good thing Hermione is here, as no one else appears to be capable of formulating a working plan or doing any magic whatsoever.
Harry, you’re obsessing again. I always get so embarrassed for you when you obsess, especially since you’re usually wrong. Don’t let that “being right about Malfoy” thing from last year go to your head.
I love you, Fred and George. And Lee and Remus and Kingsley. Even if your codenames are really, really obvious.
Also, I would think that at least Snape could guess their passwords. I mean, if Ron can.
Harry. You. Idiot.
Chapter Twenty-Three: Malfoy Manor
Huh. Making Greyback incompetent (or at least, more incompetent than the average Death Eater) sort of sucks all the threat right out of his character.
Hi, Dean! Why are you here?
Awww. Draco, you noncommittal little creep. I almost feel sorry for you.
Ah, pointless bickering. The true hallmark of evil.
Hi, Luna! I wondered when you’d show up again.
That’s it? That’s the death of Wormtail? He died as he lived: only good for one specific purpose that someone else could have filled just as admirably.
Dobby! Dobby, I love you.
Chapter Twenty-Four: The Wandmaker
D:
Ollivander, chill. No one blames you. Voldemort tortured you. We understand.
I wouldn’t worry too much about Voldemort getting the Elder Wand, Harry. He’ll probably be just as stupid about it as everyone else who has ever possessed it.
Chapter Twenty-Five: Shell Cottage
Remus’s middle name is “John?” What’s the matter? Did his parents run out of wolf-themed names?
Damn, you’re doomed, Remus.
That ominous premonition you’re having, Harry, is the entirely accurate feeling that you are going to mess up this deal with Griphook.
Chapter Twenty-Six: Gringotts
And now you know how Andromeda feels.
Harry! Imperio? Really?
Well, at least there’s a rationalization for why wizards can’t really trust goblins. Different mindset is better than “they’re just plain evil.”
Ha! You know you’re in dire straights when “setting free a dragon” sounds like a good plan.
Chapter Twenty-Seven: The Final Hiding Place
Well, you’ve got a Horcrux, but no sword. Now what?
Voldemort doesn’t even know that he can’t feel it when the Horcruxes are destroyed? How much research did he put into this?
I see we’re back to do things impulsively and without plans. I suppose this has occasionally been a winning strategy, but when it fails, it tends to fail spectacularly.
Chapter Twenty-Eight: The Missing Mirror
Suddenly I’m glad I was never too attached to Dumbledore. I hope we never find out whose curse killed Ariana.
Chapter Twenty-Nine: The Lost Diadem
There’s a whole lot of lost and missing shit in this book.
Neville! YAY!
I’d like a book about what’s been happening at Hogwarts in Harry’s absence, please.
Neville’s Gran! YAY!
I feel kind of bad for Dawlish. It’s like he has a WAH-WAH-WAAAAAH musical sting following him around all the time.
I don’t get it. Harry, you have a small army of people willing to help you look for the last Horcrux! You don’t know where it is, and, if you remember, Hogwarts is a pretty big place. You don’t even know what the Horcrux is. You don’t have to tell everyone why you’re looking for it!
SEE?! Once again, Ron agrees with me!
Oh, really. Now is not the time for Ginny to be getting jealous.
No, it’s not Aunt Muriel’s tiara; stop with the red herrings. It’s the one near your potions book, Harry.
Chapter Thirty: The Sacking of Severus Snape
You rock, Professor McGonagall.
Harry! Sirius’s death didn’t make you mad enough to mean a Cruciatus Curse, but spitting in McGonagall’s face does? You’re beginning to freak me out here.
Seriously, I have no idea what everyone was so het up about when Barty Crouch, Sr. authorized the use of Unforgivables in the last war, as everyone up to and including our hero seems to have no problem using them this time around.
Snape turned into a bat? Is his master Dracula? Has he taken up eating flies recently?
Harry, who are you to tell Ginny she can’t fight? It’s not like you haven’t been doing this since you were eleven!
Percy?! Well, I’m glad he came to his senses, though I can only imagine that he’s going to die now.
Chapter Thirty-One: The Battle of Hogwarts
Never give Voldemort a megaphone. He’ll abuse that privilege like whoa.
I like to imagine that some of the Slytherins would have stayed if they had been old enough. I mean, obviously the seventh years would leave, given the long standing animosity between Harry and themselves, but I imagine some of the fifth and sixth years would have stayed had they been allowed.
That’s my theory and I’m sticking to it, dammit.
A tree. In Albania. Luckily for Voldemort, Albania has only one tree.
Ah. Grawp. Go away.
Voldemort enters a room filled with student’s crap and believes he is the only one to have ever penetrated the secrets of the Room of Requirement? Seriously? Seriously?
And another thing, why isn’t Voldemort supplying better protection to his Horcruxes? I mean, he put some serious work into defending that locket. But he just left the diadem and the diary lying around apparently. The cup was relying on spells provided by other people, which I wouldn’t think Voldemort would trust. The ring was lying under some floorboards! Maybe there were spells protecting it, but obviously nothing as debilitating as what was around the locket. Where are the ridiculous death traps, Voldemort?!
Canon should not be bearing out my interpretation of Voldemort as a guy who just does not think shit through.
RON: Hi, Harry! We decided to destroy the Horcrux off-screen because we didn’t have enough time to show whatever Hermione’s inner turmoil was about. Good thing the basilisk venom didn’t dry up in the past five years, eh?
Yes, yes. I’m very glad your years of sexual tension have finally come to fruition. Now, come on before Voldemort kills Harry.
Crabbe and Goyle have personalities? Go figure.
Okay, maybe just Crabbe. Still not very bright, though.
Offed by your own minion! Good thing Crabbe is already dead. Voldemort would not be amused.
Oh, Percy. You need to work on those jokes.
What?! WHAT?! A freakin’ wall kills Fred? That’s worse than an arch! At least that’s an irregular architectural feature!
Chapter Thirty-Two: The Elder Wand
Oh, sure. Now you want him to utilize his connection with Voldemort.
Draco, you weasel. This was your chance to reform or whatever. How disappointing.
Ha. And Trelawney finally finds a practical use for a crystal ball.
Hagrid, you dumbass. Now is really not the time to be worrying about the giant spiders.
Voldemort spends his days having the same conversation with everyone he meets: “No, Lucius, Potter will come to me.” “No, Snape, I am not worried someone will kill Potter before I can get there.” “Yes, I am aware that my snake is floating.”
Yeah, that’s kind of skeevy. I’m not sure I’d want my most hated professor looking longingly into my eyes while he died.
Chapter Thirty-Three: The Prince’s Tale
Remus and Tonks? Wow. Well, it’s a good thing they appointed as godfather to their son someone capable and mature, and destined to have a long, healthy life. Oh, wait…
You are very, very creepy, Snape. And a little pathetic. And kind of sad.
Gloria, I wish we could get at least one not entirely assholish view of James.
Okay, I’m mollified. I always thought Snape killing Dumbledore on his orders was stupid, but if he was dying anyway, at least it’s not entirely irresponsible.
Albus, you colossal prick.
Chapter Thirty-Four: The Forest Again
NO! No more forests!
Oh, Harry. Don’t get existential on me now.
Colin Creevy! Annoying fanboy is dead? Nooooo!
Oh, Harry. I knew you had to die, but look on the bright side: I was wrong about how permanent it was going to be. I mean, look at all the pages I have left to go. We’re not changing narrators now.
What the…? Why the hell is Hagrid there? I mean, obviously he got caught, but why is he still alive?
Oh, Harry.
Chapter Thirty-Five: King’s Cross
Huh. And now it’s time for the traditional “Dumbledore sits Harry down in his office and explains everything.” Except they’re dead, so it can’t possibly be done in Dumbledore’s office.
Voldemort bonded Harry to himself twice and didn’t realize it either time? Just how dumb is this guy? There’s a thin line between believing something is unimportant and not thinking about a subject at all.
Look, Dumbledore. King’s Cross may be a slightly weird place for an exposition block, but at least it’s symbolically sound. Give it a rest.
Oh, Dumbledore. I’m glad you’re not a total creep.
Albus, you colossal prick. You let Snape die believing he was helping to destroy all that remained of Lily Evans in the world.
Chapter Thirty-Six: The Flaw in the Plan
I think there have been several flaws in Voldemort’s plans, but we’ll let it slide.
Narcissa! I’m glad someone in the Malfoy family knows what’s really important.
For some reason, I love that McGonagall is the first to react.
Neville! Damn, you’re badass! Now I’m glad I love your actor in the movies so much. This part is going to rock!
And somewhere, Griphook is very pissed off.
Oh, hey, Kreacher. Where have you been?
Mrs. Weasley with an AK to Bellatrix! Wow, did not see that coming. Lots of swearing in this book, too.
HARRY! Did you figure the wands out all by yourself? I AM SO FRICKIN’ PROUD OF YOU.
I’m kind of surprised a chapter doesn’t end with Voldemort’s death. I realize there’s not much left, but it sort of loses some impact when everyone just starts partying paragraphs after he dies. I mean, this was Voldemort.
I love you, Luna. “Look! A large distracting thing!”
I hate to break it to you Harry, but you announced you were the true master of the Elder Wand in front of a large crowd of people. You may not go about boasting about it, but I reckon someone interested in taking it from you just might figure out that you had it.
Epilogue: Nineteen Years Later
Um, I’m happy everyone’s happy and all, but this is kind of boring. I want to know what they’re doing with their lives, other than popping out children. I mean, does my theory that Hermione becomes the first Muggle-born Minister of Magic come true? I’ve been hanging on to that one for a while. How about Harry, of all people? What does one do for a living after defeating a Dark Lord? Sell Amway?
Albus Severus? Why do you hate your children, Harry?
Chapter One: The Dark Lord Ascending:
Oh, huh. I thought it would be Trelawney. To finally put to rest the whole prophecy thing. I guess we’re just dropping that all together, then?
Voldemort and some Death Eaters plot vaguely and then someone I don’t care about dies. I swear I’ve seen this happen before, but where? Hmmmm…
(Or, to paraphrase my friend, priscillapuck: “Tonight the part of Frank Bryce will be played by…”)
Chapter Two: In Memoriam
The wizarding world has some seriously off standards. They teach young wizards how to turn small animals into flatware, but not how to apply the magical equivalent of a Band-Aid.
Oh, my God, it’s like a filler episode of anime. Seriously, I remember what happened in the previous books, thanks. I wouldn’t be reading this one otherwise.
Sirius’s mirror is actually going to be important? Who knew?
Harry, I know you’re upset that Rita Skeeter is making shit up about Dumbledore, but you are focusing on the entirely wrong thing here. Perhaps you should be more concerned that she is implying that he was abusing you and you killed him for it.
Chapter Three: The Dursleys Departing
On the front piece: Is Harry shaking hands with Dudley?
On the chapter: Yes. Yes, he is. Good show, Dudley. Way to not be a complete jerk. There’s some hope for you yet.
Chapter Four: The Seven Potters
I love you, Fred and George.
I like how this plan puts as many known cast members as possible in potential danger. It’s like Rowling’s daring us to take bets on who is going to die first.
HEDWIG! OMG! SHE FUCKING KILLED HEDWIG!
In other news, this fight scene freaking rocks.
Chapter Five: The Fallen Warrior
Hagrid’s not dead, Harry. It’s the beginning of the chapter; too obvious.
I wonder how frequently Andromeda has random people on the street shout at her because she looks like her sister. I imagine at least once a week.
Remus, I certainly don’t want Harry dead, but let’s not be urging Harry to try out any more Unforgivables here.
I love you, George and Fred.
This scene stopped being tense pretty quick: there are only two groups missing. One is Moody and Mundungus, and the other is Bill and Fleur. The eighth chapter is called “The Wedding.” And I seriously doubt Moody and Mundungus are going to tie the knot.
Yeah, well, Harry doesn’t exactly treat his friends the way James did, does he, Remus?
Oh look! Now that it’s convenient to do so, Harry can see through Voldemort’s eyes again! Please tell me that Voldemort at least has an inkling that this happening? I don’t want this to turn into deus ex plot device.
Chapter Six: The Ghoul in Pajamas
Ron and Hermione have been doing a lot more thinking about this Horcrux hunting thing than you have, Harry. Perhaps you should listen to them.
Oh, Hermione! I feel so bad for you, even if that is the creepiest thing to do to your parents ever!
Pretty amazing how Dumbledore gave you practically no useful information, isn’t it, guys? Thank goodness Hermione actually did some freaking research.
Chapter Seven: The Will of Albus Dumbledore
I cannot believe Ron just gave Harry a book of dating advice.
Well, actually I can, but still.
Harry does not appear to need said dating advice book, because he’s about to score with Ginny. Go Harry!
Okay, I know I should stop focusing on Ron and his amazing present, but does Ron think Harry was trying to hit on his mother with that compliment about the Snitch cake? And he approves?
So apparently, Dumbledore didn’t think their quest was vague enough to begin with, so he left the Trio clues in his will to make it even more oblique?
What the…? When did Scrimgeour start channeling Snape?
Holy shit. You’re gonna die, Harry. That’s what that means.
Chapter Eight: The Wedding
Okay, they’re married. Let the shit hit the fan!
Ron, Luna is not here to entertain you. She is here to lend a sense of pure awesome to this otherwise boring chapter.
OooOOooh, mysterious Dumbledore backstory! Well, duh, he’s not as great as you thought, Harry. No one is that preternaturally good.
See, this is why a strong executive figure isn’t always a good idea. Death Eaters take out one guy and suddenly, WHAM! the entire government is evil.
Chapter Nine: A Place to Hide
What the hell, Hermione? I love your Bag of Holding and all, but you were carrying everything you needed for an epic journey to the wedding for no apparent reason?
Even in the magical world of Harry Potter, there’s street harassment. Figures.
I should hope you know the theory behind Memory Charms, Hermione, considering you altered the memories of both your parents!
Huh? Wha? Those are the spells that have been set up against Snape? Next are we going to stick his hand in a bowl of peeled grapes and tell him they’re eyeballs?
Harry, if you start obsessing over Draco again, I’m going to kill you.
Chapter Ten: Kreacher’s Tale
Meanwhile, Harry, Hermione and Ron finally work out what fans figured out hours after book six came out.
It must really suck to be a house elf, if all it takes to make one your friend is to be nice to it once.
Chapter Eleven: The Bribe
On one hand: Harry, you need to stop projecting your issues on someone who hasn’t even been born yet. On the other hand: Remus, what made you think this would go over well with some who has lost every parental figure he’s ever had?
Oh, it’s Umbridge who took the bribe. I was wondering what was up with the chapter title.
Chapter Twelve: Magic Is Might
Oh, hey. Harry can Apparate now? Good for him.
Good Lord, you just thought of Phineas Nigellus now? You’ve been there for weeks! How do you know he doesn’t already know you’re there?
The Trio is so cool when they’re plotting.
Well, you got in. Now what?
Things go to hell, apparently.
Chapter Thirteen: The Muggle-Born Registration Commission
Where the hell is the rest of Moody? I hate you more than ever, Umbridge.
Is it wrong that I am more seriously creeped out by Umbridge’s Post-It Note than any of Voldemort’s big ol’ speeches?
Holy crap, wizards, what is wrong with you? Experimental Charms is probably the last department that should have careless people. It would also make spotting obvious decoys that much easier.
Stealing magic? This here is the problem with wizards: they do everything the same for centuries, and don’t investigate anything.
Ah, Umbridge. Like a pig in shit. Blast her in the face, Harry.
Chapter Fourteen: The Thief
You’re putting it on? YOU’RE PUTTING IT ON?! Have you lost your mind, Harry? Don’t put on the One Ring Horcrux!
Gee, Hermione, should Harry try to use Occulemency? I don’t think you’ve expressed your opinion on this yet.
Chapter Fifteen: The Goblin’s Revenge
Day 12: the expedition turns whiny.
See, it is the One Ring. A One Ring that makes you irritable and obnoxious instead of expressly evil.
The passive-aggressive goblin’s revenge. Boy, you showed them.
Ron! Get back there, Ron! You’ll regret it in five minutes, and then you won’t be able to find them again!
Chapter Sixteen: Godric’s Hollow
Are we leaving these woods for the next plot point yet? Yes? FINALLY.
Chapter Seventeen: Bathilda’s Secret
Did Rita Skeeter pull a Lockhart on Bathilda? At some point, Harry is going to beat Rita up, right?
Ah! WTF! Okay, I admit that didn’t think that Bathilda’s secret would be that she was a snake.
Wow. Having a vision of killing your own parents must be pretty scarring.
And speaking of scarring: Harry, you idiot. You deserve that scar. Take the damn thing off. You have a bag no one but you can open!
Oh no! Harry’s impotent!
Chapter Eighteen: The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore
Wait. Hang on. So, there was no tangible benefit to going to Godric’s Hollow? Nice fake out, Rowling.
On the other hand, we’re back in the damn woods AGAIN.
I’m sorry, Rita, but your language is not impenetrable enough to be an actual biography.
Dumbledore: Magical Proto-Nazi.
Chapter Nineteen: The Silver Doe
That’s right, Harry. Wander off on your own. There’s no way Dark Wizards know anything about beautiful illusions.
Oh, shit, Harry, look out. The Green Knight is going to pounce on you and challenge you to a duel now.
Wow, Harry certainly is naked a lot in this book.
See, SEE! Ron agrees with me, Harry! Ron, the only character consistently more dense than you. TAKE IT OFF!
Of course it opens with Parseltongue. Just like everything else that belonged to Salazar Slytherin.
Ah, they’re going to take turns destroying the last three Horcruxes, are they? That’s egalitarian.
Oh, dear. Don’t taunt the Harmonians, Rowling. I’m surprised Ron didn’t crush the Horcrux with an anvil at this point.
Remind me to never piss Hermione off. Wow.
How…convenient that Dumbledore gave Ron a device with two not entirely related purposes. And knew Ron well enough to know that he would need the, um, teleportation-to-the-ones-you-love-after-acting-like-a-total-prat-and-running-out-on-them purpose.
Chapter Twenty: Xenophilius Lovegood
Wait, the Death Eaters took over the Ministry and immediately got the paperwork processed to make Voldemort’s name Taboo, enabling them to catch up to Harry and Co. not twenty minutes later? When the hell did the Death Eaters become efficient?
And, wait. Weren’t they still using Voldemort’s name at Grimmauld Place?
Wow, four hundred pages in and we finally get to the title.
Chapter Twenty-One: The Tale of the Three Brothers
Even in wizarding fairy tales, it’s always best to be the third sibling. They seem to be preternaturally blessed with wisdom.
Hey, Harry. An extremely powerful wand. I wonder who might be interested in something like that? Maybe someone who has been weeding through all the resident wandmakers?
Well, you know what they say: if in the first chapter there’s an Erumpent horn on the wall, in the following one it has to go off.
Chapter Twenty-Two: The Deathly Hallows
Why, yes, it is a good thing Hermione is here, as no one else appears to be capable of formulating a working plan or doing any magic whatsoever.
Harry, you’re obsessing again. I always get so embarrassed for you when you obsess, especially since you’re usually wrong. Don’t let that “being right about Malfoy” thing from last year go to your head.
I love you, Fred and George. And Lee and Remus and Kingsley. Even if your codenames are really, really obvious.
Also, I would think that at least Snape could guess their passwords. I mean, if Ron can.
Harry. You. Idiot.
Chapter Twenty-Three: Malfoy Manor
Huh. Making Greyback incompetent (or at least, more incompetent than the average Death Eater) sort of sucks all the threat right out of his character.
Hi, Dean! Why are you here?
Awww. Draco, you noncommittal little creep. I almost feel sorry for you.
Ah, pointless bickering. The true hallmark of evil.
Hi, Luna! I wondered when you’d show up again.
That’s it? That’s the death of Wormtail? He died as he lived: only good for one specific purpose that someone else could have filled just as admirably.
Dobby! Dobby, I love you.
Chapter Twenty-Four: The Wandmaker
D:
Ollivander, chill. No one blames you. Voldemort tortured you. We understand.
I wouldn’t worry too much about Voldemort getting the Elder Wand, Harry. He’ll probably be just as stupid about it as everyone else who has ever possessed it.
Chapter Twenty-Five: Shell Cottage
Remus’s middle name is “John?” What’s the matter? Did his parents run out of wolf-themed names?
Damn, you’re doomed, Remus.
That ominous premonition you’re having, Harry, is the entirely accurate feeling that you are going to mess up this deal with Griphook.
Chapter Twenty-Six: Gringotts
And now you know how Andromeda feels.
Harry! Imperio? Really?
Well, at least there’s a rationalization for why wizards can’t really trust goblins. Different mindset is better than “they’re just plain evil.”
Ha! You know you’re in dire straights when “setting free a dragon” sounds like a good plan.
Chapter Twenty-Seven: The Final Hiding Place
Well, you’ve got a Horcrux, but no sword. Now what?
Voldemort doesn’t even know that he can’t feel it when the Horcruxes are destroyed? How much research did he put into this?
I see we’re back to do things impulsively and without plans. I suppose this has occasionally been a winning strategy, but when it fails, it tends to fail spectacularly.
Chapter Twenty-Eight: The Missing Mirror
Suddenly I’m glad I was never too attached to Dumbledore. I hope we never find out whose curse killed Ariana.
Chapter Twenty-Nine: The Lost Diadem
There’s a whole lot of lost and missing shit in this book.
Neville! YAY!
I’d like a book about what’s been happening at Hogwarts in Harry’s absence, please.
Neville’s Gran! YAY!
I feel kind of bad for Dawlish. It’s like he has a WAH-WAH-WAAAAAH musical sting following him around all the time.
I don’t get it. Harry, you have a small army of people willing to help you look for the last Horcrux! You don’t know where it is, and, if you remember, Hogwarts is a pretty big place. You don’t even know what the Horcrux is. You don’t have to tell everyone why you’re looking for it!
SEE?! Once again, Ron agrees with me!
Oh, really. Now is not the time for Ginny to be getting jealous.
No, it’s not Aunt Muriel’s tiara; stop with the red herrings. It’s the one near your potions book, Harry.
Chapter Thirty: The Sacking of Severus Snape
You rock, Professor McGonagall.
Harry! Sirius’s death didn’t make you mad enough to mean a Cruciatus Curse, but spitting in McGonagall’s face does? You’re beginning to freak me out here.
Seriously, I have no idea what everyone was so het up about when Barty Crouch, Sr. authorized the use of Unforgivables in the last war, as everyone up to and including our hero seems to have no problem using them this time around.
Snape turned into a bat? Is his master Dracula? Has he taken up eating flies recently?
Harry, who are you to tell Ginny she can’t fight? It’s not like you haven’t been doing this since you were eleven!
Percy?! Well, I’m glad he came to his senses, though I can only imagine that he’s going to die now.
Chapter Thirty-One: The Battle of Hogwarts
Never give Voldemort a megaphone. He’ll abuse that privilege like whoa.
I like to imagine that some of the Slytherins would have stayed if they had been old enough. I mean, obviously the seventh years would leave, given the long standing animosity between Harry and themselves, but I imagine some of the fifth and sixth years would have stayed had they been allowed.
That’s my theory and I’m sticking to it, dammit.
A tree. In Albania. Luckily for Voldemort, Albania has only one tree.
Ah. Grawp. Go away.
Voldemort enters a room filled with student’s crap and believes he is the only one to have ever penetrated the secrets of the Room of Requirement? Seriously? Seriously?
And another thing, why isn’t Voldemort supplying better protection to his Horcruxes? I mean, he put some serious work into defending that locket. But he just left the diadem and the diary lying around apparently. The cup was relying on spells provided by other people, which I wouldn’t think Voldemort would trust. The ring was lying under some floorboards! Maybe there were spells protecting it, but obviously nothing as debilitating as what was around the locket. Where are the ridiculous death traps, Voldemort?!
Canon should not be bearing out my interpretation of Voldemort as a guy who just does not think shit through.
RON: Hi, Harry! We decided to destroy the Horcrux off-screen because we didn’t have enough time to show whatever Hermione’s inner turmoil was about. Good thing the basilisk venom didn’t dry up in the past five years, eh?
Yes, yes. I’m very glad your years of sexual tension have finally come to fruition. Now, come on before Voldemort kills Harry.
Crabbe and Goyle have personalities? Go figure.
Okay, maybe just Crabbe. Still not very bright, though.
Offed by your own minion! Good thing Crabbe is already dead. Voldemort would not be amused.
Oh, Percy. You need to work on those jokes.
What?! WHAT?! A freakin’ wall kills Fred? That’s worse than an arch! At least that’s an irregular architectural feature!
Chapter Thirty-Two: The Elder Wand
Oh, sure. Now you want him to utilize his connection with Voldemort.
Draco, you weasel. This was your chance to reform or whatever. How disappointing.
Ha. And Trelawney finally finds a practical use for a crystal ball.
Hagrid, you dumbass. Now is really not the time to be worrying about the giant spiders.
Voldemort spends his days having the same conversation with everyone he meets: “No, Lucius, Potter will come to me.” “No, Snape, I am not worried someone will kill Potter before I can get there.” “Yes, I am aware that my snake is floating.”
Yeah, that’s kind of skeevy. I’m not sure I’d want my most hated professor looking longingly into my eyes while he died.
Chapter Thirty-Three: The Prince’s Tale
Remus and Tonks? Wow. Well, it’s a good thing they appointed as godfather to their son someone capable and mature, and destined to have a long, healthy life. Oh, wait…
You are very, very creepy, Snape. And a little pathetic. And kind of sad.
Gloria, I wish we could get at least one not entirely assholish view of James.
Okay, I’m mollified. I always thought Snape killing Dumbledore on his orders was stupid, but if he was dying anyway, at least it’s not entirely irresponsible.
Albus, you colossal prick.
Chapter Thirty-Four: The Forest Again
NO! No more forests!
Oh, Harry. Don’t get existential on me now.
Colin Creevy! Annoying fanboy is dead? Nooooo!
Oh, Harry. I knew you had to die, but look on the bright side: I was wrong about how permanent it was going to be. I mean, look at all the pages I have left to go. We’re not changing narrators now.
What the…? Why the hell is Hagrid there? I mean, obviously he got caught, but why is he still alive?
Oh, Harry.
Chapter Thirty-Five: King’s Cross
Huh. And now it’s time for the traditional “Dumbledore sits Harry down in his office and explains everything.” Except they’re dead, so it can’t possibly be done in Dumbledore’s office.
Voldemort bonded Harry to himself twice and didn’t realize it either time? Just how dumb is this guy? There’s a thin line between believing something is unimportant and not thinking about a subject at all.
Look, Dumbledore. King’s Cross may be a slightly weird place for an exposition block, but at least it’s symbolically sound. Give it a rest.
Oh, Dumbledore. I’m glad you’re not a total creep.
Albus, you colossal prick. You let Snape die believing he was helping to destroy all that remained of Lily Evans in the world.
Chapter Thirty-Six: The Flaw in the Plan
I think there have been several flaws in Voldemort’s plans, but we’ll let it slide.
Narcissa! I’m glad someone in the Malfoy family knows what’s really important.
For some reason, I love that McGonagall is the first to react.
Neville! Damn, you’re badass! Now I’m glad I love your actor in the movies so much. This part is going to rock!
And somewhere, Griphook is very pissed off.
Oh, hey, Kreacher. Where have you been?
Mrs. Weasley with an AK to Bellatrix! Wow, did not see that coming. Lots of swearing in this book, too.
HARRY! Did you figure the wands out all by yourself? I AM SO FRICKIN’ PROUD OF YOU.
I’m kind of surprised a chapter doesn’t end with Voldemort’s death. I realize there’s not much left, but it sort of loses some impact when everyone just starts partying paragraphs after he dies. I mean, this was Voldemort.
I love you, Luna. “Look! A large distracting thing!”
I hate to break it to you Harry, but you announced you were the true master of the Elder Wand in front of a large crowd of people. You may not go about boasting about it, but I reckon someone interested in taking it from you just might figure out that you had it.
Epilogue: Nineteen Years Later
Um, I’m happy everyone’s happy and all, but this is kind of boring. I want to know what they’re doing with their lives, other than popping out children. I mean, does my theory that Hermione becomes the first Muggle-born Minister of Magic come true? I’ve been hanging on to that one for a while. How about Harry, of all people? What does one do for a living after defeating a Dark Lord? Sell Amway?
Albus Severus? Why do you hate your children, Harry?