foo
i know i told ellie i wouldnt write an entry like this, but i don know what to do anymore... im at the end of my rope, theres no where to go from here... its like i was walking alkong the path so long i barely noticed how untracked it was...
i cant STAND it here anymore... its gettingto the point where going back to qld, kicking off on a new foot and just getting awayy from it all sounds like the best option i have, but, i dont want to, i like melbourne, i like my frinds here, i like the places here, i just cant stand my home, and the complete lack of funds stops me from leaving...
im liveing in a house where i can do 400 jobs, and yet the one chore i forget is the basis for my mums WHOLE argument on how much i DONT do anything...
my brother is getting more and more annoying bye the day, and i just cant take it, i sit an dthink about it, and the more i do the more i realise that ppl dont really care if i hate myself, ior if im unhappy, as long as im more or less 'normal' as long as im not an embarresment... and its things like these that make me have thoughts i really really shouldnt, at one point i even felt like hurting everyone, eventhose who i loveand havent done me any harm, im at a poinr where nothing is its ownthing, everythign seems to come into one thing, and yet no two things seem to fit...how can youre mind, the very essence of you do thngs like this, how can it make you feel so bad about being you...
its at thios point only like 2 of youknow what im talking about,well lets just let you all in on thes HEART WRENCHING horror story of a secret...
ive lived 18 yrs in a gender, I DONT WANT TOBE ANY MORE!
ive never wanted to be it, i dont like it, its uncomfortable and i want none of it...
i can never be who i really want to be while im like this, i cant, i cant, I CANT 'do' ANYTHING! i cant live life to the fullest, these so called glory days are not.. there a horror tale for the ages, if i knew, for certain, that it would be like this for good, i would kill myself right now... but i cant, because i have this terrable fear of not knowing what might happen if i do live, its not important anyway, no-body ever reads this thing, nobody ever REPLIES to this thing, what the point of it??? venting anger/frustration?? WHY it'll just happen again.. i just wish someone could explain to my mum that i cant stand this anymore, and the fact that she wont even LIOSTEN or support my descision, only makes things worse, the fact that she is so THOROUGHLY convinced that she knows who i am better theni do ...
if only someone could tell her she is wrong, and that for me, this is aa horrabele experiance, like its a punishment for a crime i didnt commit, being uncomfortable with yourself, not haveing youre own body, haveing to HATE yourself because of youre body, i just wish i could cry, but i can, i can feel it, its there, why wont the tears come? why? is there a god? and does he hate me so? that he wont even let me pity myself, wont let me feel my own emotions... NAY there is no god, for someone such as he would not let this happen, this horrendous injustice.
im sorry everyone, i know some ppl depend on me to be the strong one, and that ive given the male 'gentlmen' image, but thats because im trying to hold it all together, but if i try for too much longer, i just dont know what will happen, if ill just snap, and hurt someone i dont want to, and that scares me even more, i dont understand any of this... somebody please just help me....
make them see how much it hurts me, how it hurts me to be me...
i cant STAND it here anymore... its gettingto the point where going back to qld, kicking off on a new foot and just getting awayy from it all sounds like the best option i have, but, i dont want to, i like melbourne, i like my frinds here, i like the places here, i just cant stand my home, and the complete lack of funds stops me from leaving...
im liveing in a house where i can do 400 jobs, and yet the one chore i forget is the basis for my mums WHOLE argument on how much i DONT do anything...
my brother is getting more and more annoying bye the day, and i just cant take it, i sit an dthink about it, and the more i do the more i realise that ppl dont really care if i hate myself, ior if im unhappy, as long as im more or less 'normal' as long as im not an embarresment... and its things like these that make me have thoughts i really really shouldnt, at one point i even felt like hurting everyone, eventhose who i loveand havent done me any harm, im at a poinr where nothing is its ownthing, everythign seems to come into one thing, and yet no two things seem to fit...how can youre mind, the very essence of you do thngs like this, how can it make you feel so bad about being you...
its at thios point only like 2 of youknow what im talking about,well lets just let you all in on thes HEART WRENCHING horror story of a secret...
ive lived 18 yrs in a gender, I DONT WANT TOBE ANY MORE!
ive never wanted to be it, i dont like it, its uncomfortable and i want none of it...
i can never be who i really want to be while im like this, i cant, i cant, I CANT 'do' ANYTHING! i cant live life to the fullest, these so called glory days are not.. there a horror tale for the ages, if i knew, for certain, that it would be like this for good, i would kill myself right now... but i cant, because i have this terrable fear of not knowing what might happen if i do live, its not important anyway, no-body ever reads this thing, nobody ever REPLIES to this thing, what the point of it??? venting anger/frustration?? WHY it'll just happen again.. i just wish someone could explain to my mum that i cant stand this anymore, and the fact that she wont even LIOSTEN or support my descision, only makes things worse, the fact that she is so THOROUGHLY convinced that she knows who i am better theni do ...
if only someone could tell her she is wrong, and that for me, this is aa horrabele experiance, like its a punishment for a crime i didnt commit, being uncomfortable with yourself, not haveing youre own body, haveing to HATE yourself because of youre body, i just wish i could cry, but i can, i can feel it, its there, why wont the tears come? why? is there a god? and does he hate me so? that he wont even let me pity myself, wont let me feel my own emotions... NAY there is no god, for someone such as he would not let this happen, this horrendous injustice.
im sorry everyone, i know some ppl depend on me to be the strong one, and that ive given the male 'gentlmen' image, but thats because im trying to hold it all together, but if i try for too much longer, i just dont know what will happen, if ill just snap, and hurt someone i dont want to, and that scares me even more, i dont understand any of this... somebody please just help me....
make them see how much it hurts me, how it hurts me to be me...